So I finally got my feet wet for the AP today, in style - attending a speech given by Hugo Chavez Frias, president of Venezuela. Not bad for a first "assignment" (I phoned in my notes; the bureau chief watched the whole thing on TV. I won´t get a byline, but hey...if it gets picked up I guess that´s a moral victory.)

There was an article in this morning´s El Universal, i.e. the reason why we keep bulletproof vests in the office, that mentioned how 56 percent of the Venezuelan populace supports Chavez, and yet after seven years 70 percent doesn´t support chavismo, i.e. his government´s policies.


A lot about Chavez makes sense, just in this first week in Caracas. I can totally see how he´s the fly in the ointment - the guy pissing off the White House over and over again. It´s totally his personality.

Chavez has no off switch. He´s on live TV all. the. time. Every night, he´s at some state function, broadcast on state TV. And he´s not just there; he talks, and he talks, and he fucking talks! In fact, I hear him on the TV behind me right now, here in the lobby of the Hotel Floresta.

And after that? He goes on TV for six consecutive hours each Sunday, 11am to 5pm, answering calls from regular citizens and explaining "policy" in laymen´s terms on his weekly show, Alo, Presidente. One seriously wonders when this guy actually meets to discuss policy with his advisors.

He´s the opposite of Bush, who won´t get in front of a camera unless he´s beaten over the head. You can´t drag Chavez away from the camera with a stick.

And if you´ve seen The Revolution Will Not Be Televised, then it also makes sense why...the revolution was not televised (i.e. the attempted coup against Chavez back in 2002). This guy knows how to use the medium, as do his opponents.

It´s no wonder all the correspondents down here, regardless of the news agency, are completely and utterly sick of Hugo Chavez. The guy is one giant stream of consiousness. He simply won´t shut the fuck up. He literally speaks his mind.

And today was no different. Chavez was there commemorating the sixth annual comision mixta between Venezuela and Cuba, so you had all these flags from both countries everywhere.

...which is a whole other blog post in itself.

The vice president of Cuba spoke before Chavez did, and he kept his remarks relatively brief. He considered both countries the same pueblo, praising Cuba and Venezuela as "the greatest democracy in the world" because, "it´s the only democracy with two elected presidents."

I´m not even kidding. You seriously had to be there.

Then Chavez gets up. He starts talking about the $800 million dollars in projects between the two countries -advances in science, technology, health, fitness, education, as well as BLAH. He echoes the Cuban VP´s sentiments about the two people bonding as one - two trees sharing the same branches, the same roots.

(And if I´m Venezuelan, I´m scared shitless when I hear this rhetoric. Have you even seen Cuba?? Me neither, but I hear it sucks. And wait, when was the last time they elected somebody new president?)

And then...he just goes off. I can´t even do it justice. He just...wanders. He just...starts talking to himself, really.

He points out to the audience the similarities between the words "science" and "conscience." I´m not kidding...that leads him to ponder the various type of science - you know, geology, biology, astronomy...and speaking of astronomy...how about Mars? We´re going to need to colonize it soon, at the rate we´re going. The polar ice caps are melting. Just look at the devastating effects of capitalism on the environment - the hurricanes; the floods.

He starts talking about this Colombian author he´s been reading who rails on the effects of capitalism on the poor.

He rambles, in detail, about what happens when you go get a checkup at a public hospital.

He starts about the former president of Ecuador. ...Wait, weren´t we here eatin´ some food, learnin´ about Cuba?

Look, Chavez is that teacher you had in high school who never had a lesson plan. That´s the best I can describe. It´s true: He´s nuts. The guy is certifiable.

But I was stoked for about 90 minutes: Chavez kept making reference to the U.S. as the gigantesco de siete lenguas, or "the giant with seven toungues" ... which had me scratching my head at first, until I figured it must be a rough translation of "the seven-headed monster," which is a Biblical reference, if I´m not mistaken - maybe Revelations...?

Sweet! He´s calling the U.S. a seven-headed monster! He´s never done that yet! I´ve got a fucking scoop! I thought. Until I ran my notes by the bureau chief, who checked with our native Venezuelan reporter, who informed that Chavez was actually saying gigantesco de siete leguas, or the "giant seven leagues-tall," which refers to a local fairy tale or something. Oh well. I suck.

A few minutes after Chavez´s hour-long discours on whatever-the-fuck, I wandered out by the lobby and around the corner, and hey what are all these soldiers in red berets doing right he-...?

Whoa. There´s Chavez, standing maybe 10 feet away. There´s the guy who´s been causing all the fuss.

There´s the reason I´m living in an eyesore for at least the next couple of months. Right fucking there.

And hey look, now he has me rambling aimlessly. Alo, presidente.