Alright, so let's review:

I had my own little incident on Thursday, and am laying low at a co-worker's apartment in a relatively safe part of town.

Stone-ito's fighting off potential ecoli while waking up to devastating earthquakes in India.

And now, the worst of all: Last night my friend Karen and a local associate of hers in Nairobi were chased down the road by a pack of laughing, machine gun-wielding children from an adjacent slum. She says they were apparently high on a homemade concoction called ch'angaa, and that they fired off some rounds into the trees...I don't want to know how close the trees were.

It's only been two weeks, and this is getting fucking out of hand.

So. In an attempt to bring us back to some semblance of sanity and normalcy, I'm shifting gears to do what I do best - writing superficial and marginally offensive blog posts.

Okay. It needs to be said: THEWOMENDOWNHEREJESUSCHRISTTHEREMUSTBESOMETHINGINTHESOILIT'SLIKETHEYGROWONTREES!!!

There. I said it. It needed to be said. I feel better, damnit.

Look, I've "expressed enthusiasm" for other locations...but know I speak the truth when I say I have never - never - no, NEVER been to another place with the same amount of ridiculously hot girls, per capita. In fact, I just phoned the Ministry of Ridiculously Hot Women and their spokesperson confirmed that Venezuela does in fact lead all other nations per capita.

No, you still don't get it - you think I'm just being a typical guy, but I swear to God, I'm not exaggerating - there's a friggin' conspiracy down here!

Despite the crime, the violence, the desperation, the poverty, the overcrowding, and the pollution, I'm beginning to think Caracas is the Stepford of South America.

You'll see the same scene played out over and over again: Some plain-looking guy walking down the street with a model-caliber girlfriend on his arm, who probably wouldn't give him the time of day back in the states. They're just...they're just everywhere. I've never seen anything like it. It's indescribable.

Part of it is definitely the culture. Even your basic cellphone adds here resemble airbrushed Maxim covers. Feminism is not exactly alive and well - on average the girls wear one, maybe two sizes smaller than they would back in the states. In some cases, the results are stunning - in others, it's sad and shows the pressures the ladies down here face. There's a massive beauty industry that starts training girls here from the time they're very young - I'm talking actual classes. One of my "co-workers" - you know, one actually gets "paid" - is working on a feature as I type.

...So how do I feel about this? Depends. Please read your designated response below.

Ladies: I think this is terrible - shocking - demeaning - degrading, a tragedy. I believe it's a horrible commentary on the machismo that infiltrates every aspect of Latino culture. While here, I pledge to do all I can to stop it. Thank you.

Guys: Dude...you have GOT to see this place! It's fucking amazing...I'm like a kid in a candy store!

C'mon ladies, gimme a break. I just got robbed at gunpoint - I need to find the positive wherever I can.