"We're gonna need a bigger boat."

--Roy Scheider in Jaws


I really hate press conferences here - my heart drops every time they send me to cover one. Sure, conferences can get pushy and hectic in the states, but without fail every rueda de prensa I've hit in Caracas has been an exercise in chaos and hostility, regardless of the event's importance.

The TV cameramen hold an open disdain for print reporters. Once they set up their shot they just start yelling across the room, throughout the entire briefing. 'Fucking broadcasters.

Without fail, reporters shush them so we can all hear, but the cameramen just ignore and only momentarily shut up if someone inadvertently wanders into their shot - forcing them to tap or even shove the person. Two weeks ago I noticed my hand and tape recorder on TV, held up to the U.S. ambassador's face, and sure enough you see another arm reach in and slap mine, the universal signal for "get the fuck out of the way."

And honestly the newspaper folk aren't much better. Yesterday a cellphone rings in the middle of this EU press conference - they're in town to observe the congressional elections coming up. So this lady several rows over answers and starts chatting literally as loud as the poor EU observer chief...who clearly isn't used to this behavior either and starts giving her a look as he speaks, with no success. She chats for a few minutes - making sure we all realize how important she is - and finally hangs up at her own leisure. Repeat that same scenario several more times during the same briefing and you get the picture. Cell phone etiquette doesn't exist here.

And sure, yes, I know - press conferences can get pushy back home. I guess I'm particularly sensitive since I'm only picking up 80 percent of what these fuckers are saying anyways - it's beyond frustrating.

One of the things I love about reporting - especially GA reporting - is the fresh possibility that comes with every new assignment. The impromptu challenge to become a psuedo-expert by 3pm on a subject you didn't know existed that morning. But this is ridiculous. I go to these briefings just to learn just how deep in over my head I am...

So I mention this Caracas phenomenon last night (minus the in-over-my-head part), wondering if it's just me, and a buddy tells me he actually got in a fist-fight with a cameraman last year during a press conference with President Chavez. ...! It happened at the presidential palace days before a referendum vote aimed to recall his leadership.

This friend's a tall guy, and he was standing in the scrum about six feet from the president. A cameraman repeatedly pushes him from behind, as my buddy tries to accomodate, while still holding his recorder out near Chavez. Suddenly, the cameraman grabs my friend by the hair and yanks him backwards.

So my buddy turns around and punches the guy in the face.

This is the best part: He figured that would be the end of it, in an eye-for-an-eye sort of way. So after socking this guy in the face six feet away from President Chavez, my friend simply turns around and resumes taping. ...until a fist connects with his cheek.

Before it can escalate, guards are already there. They grab them both, pull them out of the crowd, and hold them for about an hour. Apparently, Chavez missed the incident with all the chaos around him. In custody, the cameraman starts freaking out since he was Colombian and fears he'll be deported. Meanwhile, my friend has to go back to his bureau chief and explain what happened.

The bureau chief's principal concern: "Who won, you or him?" (The Colombian did**) Then, for the next week, my friend's going to events with a giant shiner.

Now that's dedication.



**But it was a cheap shot. Dirty Colombians - right, Lights?