Look, we don't have a lot of time: My name is not Dickie Cronkite. I'm Jack Bauer, and I'm a federal agent. Later today, an ultra-right-wing faction of the Michigan Militia plans to destroy either the New York Times, the Washington Post, or the LA Times. We're still not sure which, and I went to J-school undercover in order to be hired by these papers but so far it hasn't worked and time is running out. You need to get me a job at any one of these papers as an investigative reporter so I can trace the source of the bomb. Listen to me: You need to help me do this, by any means necessary - illegal wiretapping, torture - you name it. These men - they have my daughter. They want confidential sourcing information from the editors-in-chief, and if I don't deliver it to them by 11pm tonight they'll detonate the bomb and they will kill my daughter.

That's all I can tell you right now, just - get me a job at The New York Times, The Washington Post, or The LA Times. Right now. Today. People's lives are on the line here, now go!!

...

(I really think I need to put those DVDs down now and get some rest.)

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It's amazing what Phil has done with the second-youngest squad in the NBA, but the Lakers continue to bring my soul great pain.

Exhibit A: T-Mac's game-winning layup last week with point-three left on the clock and a squad that apparently decided all of a sudden that they didn't feel like playing defense. Christ, even Flea was upset about this.

Exhibit B: Yesterday's nationally televised loss to Shaq and the Heat, a team on the mend.

Not to jinx him, but Phil's slowly getting all those monkeys off his back, you know - proving his worth as a bonafide coaching legend and not just some dude who happens into these teams loaded with talent. Overall, these Lakers are coming together much better than expected.

Yet even so, I remain angry with Kobe. Yes, even 62-points-in-three-quarters-against-the-Mavs Kobe. He's still Bizarro-Kobe, Evil-Kobe, ever since the rape charges. All these years later, I still shake my head. If you have to dump one of them, of course you keep Kobe. But why goddammit? Why did it come to that?? Together Kobe and Shaq were unstoppable, but together they also had a combined maturity of 12 years, and that sad fact brought down a city dynasty with maybe two more championship rings left in it. Unbelievable.

It still hurts to think about, as I watch Shaq shove poor Chris Mihm out of the way to recover the game-winning rebound, and smug Laker-haters around the world chuckle that we're finally getting a taste of our own medicine.

Who knows: If there's a silver lining it's that Eva Longoria should take Tony Parker off his game just long enough to sabotage another Spurs championship. Seriously, eff those guys.

On a brighter note, how 'bout Your Los Angeles Dodgers? We may be the new franchise where Red Sox players past their prime go to die, but I don't care. I'm still happy. Furcal, Mueller, No-mah, Grady Little at the helm, not to mention Kenny Lofton, plus promising pitchers - if Brad Penny and Eric Gagne can stay healthy. PLUS our quality farm system out in Vegas for when our Red Sox veterans go on life-support? I mean...look: I just don't wanna jinx the possibilities here.

Former GM Paul DePodesta is dead. To quote Yoda: "Over your rule is. And not short enough it was." New General Manager Alex Colletti walked in like Al Pacino to the Baird Academy in Scent of a Woman. "Somebody outta take a FLAMETHROWER to this place!!" And Colletti did - this is a totally overhauled Dodger squad. Who knows if they'll excel, but it's good to know somebody's kicking the team in the pants, and trying at least something to restore Baseball's Greatest Franchise to its former glory.

Editor's note: Dickie- er, "Jack Bauer" loves that if you do a Google Images search of Paul DePodesta, his blog pops up on page 2 of the results - with Dickie lamenting the fact that Podesta is still alive. First of all...who the hell is searching for Paul DePodesta photos? But it's won him some readers so who cares.)

Well, that's enough sports shop for now - now that I've left half of you scratching your heads what those last few paragraphs meant.

I'll just add that yes, I do think it's funny that a guy named "Lovie" helped da Bears win the NFC North title and get a first-round playoff bye. Who knew.


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Hope everyone had a happy Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, or moment of silence at your desk in between classes.

More importantly, in the spirit of the season I hope everyone cashed in on awesome gifts. My parents, recognizing their son's strange new nomadic lifestyle, gave me the best gifts they possibly could: cash and jumper cables.