This has to be serious lightning-round. There's poker to be played and schmucks' money to be won:

1. Work bathroom. Here's a great irony: I work for a newspaper but apparently newspapers never provide ... newspapers to read in the can! Unbelievable! I don't want to point fingers, but we share unisex facilities. That's right: Tampon dispensers but no fucking sports page. The injustice, in this day and age. And even if we had the sports page, it'd be heavy on Halos coverage and inexcusably light on the Dodgers.
   
   And it's part of a paper that ran: "I LOVE PALM SPRINGS" as the headline for Schwarzenegger's weekend visit. Why not just cut to the chase and give mein gubernator free advertising?
   
   The more I type, the more unacceptable the bureau bathroom gets, on so many levels...
   
   
2. Sophia Coppola: Dead to me for quite some time actually, but I feel the need to reiterate since I saw someone offer "Coppola" wine the other day and rave about it just on the name, like this was some great fucking vintage, like Italian family film dynasty = quality winery.
   
   Allow me to remind the world: Through the most shameless act of nepotism in human history, Spoiled Sophia made a mockery of the greatest film epic ever conceived. She should have been banned from Hollywood right there, but no: We allow her to reblossom as a director, and somehow not only does she have a career but she and daddy have fucking wine?? I need to stop typing this, I'm getting too angry. No, I'm not trying to be funny. And finally...
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
3. The Israeli Government
   
   Editor's note: Wow, lightning-round Middle East foreign policy. This oughta be good.
   
   In a phrase? What a bunch of assholes. (Click on the Qana photo gallery further down the page. And make sure you didn't just eat.)
   
   Editor's note: ...Well that analysis certainly lived up to billing.
   
   Look, I get the whole every-country-around-us-would-see-us-destroyed-if-given-the-opportunity thing and don't think I'm not sympathetic. Those Hezbollah pricks aren't any better. Not to mention Hamas and all the other douchebags - you couldn't offer me all the blow in Colombia to get on a Jerusalem metro bus.
   
   But you guys are Jews, for Christ's sake!
   
   Editor's note: ...?
   
   You've seen generations of pain and heartache and tragedy on a genocidal scale! You've been victimized throughout your entire history! So you've gotta have a ridiculously atrocious and deplorable foreign policy to have the world condemning your actions.
   
   Where do you learn to take such tragedy and spin it on its axis, and have the world so suddenly pissed at you? Who isn't pressuring you to cease-fire? Who's bankrolling all these precision-guided missiles?
   
   All those weapons you use, in your infinite wisdom, that only serve to piss off the survivors who were lucky enough not to get incinerated or crushed by falling rubble, so that they wanna come at you with an even fiercer vengeance? And once they come, you lob more missiles in the name of self defense?
   
   At what point does this laughable downward spiral stop? Because I only see you "self-defending" until all the people who're pissed at you are fucking dead, and that can't be the endgame here, right? ...right?
   
   Seriously, where'd you learn that strategy? Who told you it was OK?
   
   Well, in any case, I feel sorry for the dumb ignorant schmucks who live in whatever superpower's bankrolling this tragicomedy.
   
   Because I sure would feel dumb if those were my tax dollars helping to bomb dozens of terrorized women and children into the afterlife. Ha! Suckers...

"Where you live should not decide
Whether you live, or whether you die"

--U2