Last year, it was D.C. tourists decked out in unflattering kakhi and denim shorts, fanny packs, hawaiian shirts, oversized sunglasses, visors, FBI caps, American flag shirts, and screaming tykes in double strollers that block the width of the subway train.

This year...

(Can we have a drumroll, please?)

This year, the Dickie Cronkite Pat Buchanan Award goes to...

(BUMbumBUMbumBUMbumBUMbumBUMbum...)


...

Ohio! Congratulations, come claim your trophy!

And no, it's no coincidence this year's award follows Florida's stunning upset over OSU in the National Championship Game.

How gratifying was that? Well, OK, I happen to work at a paper in California where 70 percent of the staff hails from Ohio. Everyday, I'm subjected to some riveting story of life in the Buckeye State. Our managing editor? Ohio. Biz editor? Ohio. Local editor? Ohio. Zoned weekly editor? Ohio. Zoned weekly reporter? Ohio. Features editor? Kentucky ... and that's pretty goddamn close to Ohio. Another weekly reporter? Ohio. Mobile online journalist? Take a goddamned guess. It goes on.

Our managing editor is running an affirmative action program for Ohioans. Most of the hires following me have been yanked from the dreaded Midwest state. And I could say there isn't the slight occassional trace of Native Buckeye favortism ... but that'd be a lie. Actually, as a Native God's Countrian it's a tremendous honor they even considered my resume, let alone hired me. In this affirmative action gone wrong, I'm a blindingly white, plain caucasian named John Smith.

And they don't always grasp God's Country. A few months ago our star columnist, whom you'll never believe this but she's a rural Ohio transplant, bashed God's Country West with the predictable "everyone's so plastic" arguments. A couple of problems, though: The events she described took place in Simi frickin Valley, home of the original Rodney King trial, and at her friend's house. Those details were conveniently ommitted. Minutes after I read that, I.T. was ordering me a new computer monitor.

So yeah - while I stoically walked around the office Tuesday, inside I was uncontrollably sobbing tears of joy. Only during moments of extreme intoxication have I revealed my true identity as Sith Lord Darth Californius, Enemy of Ohio. (At last we shall reveal ourselves to the Jedi, at last we will have our revenge! ...sorry, HBO's been permaplaying Star Wars Episode I.)

Have you ever driven through Ohio? There's just something about it ... a desperate three hours where you're just clawing to see either "Welcome to Pennsylvania" or "Indiana." Yes. Indiana. That's how bad it gets.

And at what cost, this blessed Florida victory? Let's see...UCLA fell from the top spot following their loss to Oregon. The Hoyas lost to effing Villano-fun, despite a nine-point lead in the second half. And the Lakers upset the Mavs! ...then blew a game at Memphis and Houston just bent them over tonight.

But I'll take it. For what is a man without freedom (from Ohio)?

OK, Nameless is getting mad cause I'm ignoring her, so I gotta go. No neat ending to wrap things up. Blame her.