Steve worries about people he loves when they are far away in dangerous places.

I worry about the state of the world, economies, injustice, systemic abuses.

I worry about people, too, when I think they are unhappy. But I rarely worry when they seem happy, risks notwithstanding. They can be out on a limb and laughing, and I love their daring even as I wait for them to fall. What could I possibly say? daredevils and lovers have little regard for advice.

I think I must either be completely oblivious to the effect that the loss of someone dear to me would have on my life, or unafraid of grief... or maybe wise enough, or foolish enough, to prefer grief to fear.

[Perhaps I shoult record the thoughts, and let my self-opinion wait for later years. But then, there was that guy whose youthful work was taken up by the Nazi as justification for mass extermination, even after he had changed his views and corrected himself in print. So maybe the caveats are worth retaining, in case I publish where new Nazis can be inspired by it. So take note, nascent Nazis and passionate youths! Life is more complicated than that.]
...

Does worry make a thing worth more? Karen (Isac Dineson's character in "Out of Africa") told her lover that she wanted to be one of those things that are worth having even though they cost something. (In this case, she meant that she wanted him to be willing to take on marital fidelity, to give up a little of his freedom for her. He offered freedom; she wanted happiness.)

Are things worth more because they cost something?

Did Karen's love for Denys mean more to her because it cost her her self assurance? or her self more because she was eventually willing to turn Denys away on principle? On that note, perhaps her syphilitic husband's affection "counts" for more because it cost her the ability to bear children. Whom she craved.

Is a thing more precious because of awareness of its cost, or its risk? Does that awareness add to our enjoyment, or distract from it?

Something dies to provide our meat, in the metaphorical or literal sense. Is it better to eat meat with respect, or with gusto? Can we do both? Is it better to abstain?

I thought tonight that worry diminishes the vibrancy of life. Better to meet trouble, that dedicate your life and mind to avoiding it. But I lose confidence, certainty. I'm not sure that worry doesn't enhance life -- at least a little worry, or awareness of the transience of beloved things.

Soy consado.

Roll me over next to the wall.