Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year.

So much has happened in the past few weeks, I've been meaning to write something ...

but the constant chiaroscuro of dark rainy days, bright busy gatherings, bizarre cycles of sleep, and abundant sugar, have combined to render me almost incommunicado.

Bright news: I have been hired part-time at the City Repair project, yay! (This is one of the non-profit groups I've been volunteering for, www.cityrepair.org). It's going to be a very interesting challenge, and I'm looking forward to taking on a more productive role again. Unless I can earn my keep and increase my hours with some grant-writing or other fundraising, I'll be looking for a second part-time job to make ends meet.

Christmas was enjoyable. Corinna and Brett made some nifty artwork for Christmas presents. My stepbrother Alex makes a lovely cinnamon-spicy pumpkin pie. Tie-dyed underwear, marshmallow guns, and "Hoopla" were among the party favorites of 2005. It is still a long way from Dad's house to Grandma's house, and vice-versa. I miss "simple" Christmases, when I wasn't responsible for driving anybody anywhere, including myself.

Our family is going through (has recently gone through?) the transition where the nuclear family becomes the extended family. Right now is the awkward phase where most of the siblings are married, but nobody has kids yet. So there's a great deal of expectation to be with parents on Christmas, and a lot of parents to satisfy (at least two households in every case, often three or more).
I think when kids start arriving, there will be more excuse to stay home and enjoy a less road-weary holiday. We already let the Campbell Clan Christmas slide this year (Mom's siblings). There's a New Year's party at Katharines', so maybe that will be the family get-together this winter. Ritter Christmas, with the aunts and uncles on my Dad's side, has been sensibly relocated in January for many years now. (Well, sensibly if you aren't trying to make plans to visit Teresa's new baby, due January 8th, down in L.A.) Of course, I'm still the only unmarried sibling, so it will be some years before I can use that excuse.

After all this dies down, I'm psyching myself up to move in with Grandma for a little while. She's closer to my new job than Mom is, and she's also increasingly dependent on the extended family for errands and other daily needs. One of these days we're going to have to sit down with the whole family and talk about the situation. Right now, I'm hoping to get in a few good months of storytelling and mutual reacquaintance while her memory is relatively intact. For it to be a workable situation longer-term, we'd need to come up with some arrangement that balances both of our needs.

I'm craving companionship, and not the grandmotherly variety. I've been moving too fast, for too long, and worked up quite an appetite for love, stability, and commitment.
Frustratingly, it seems like I have a knack for becoming attracted to men who are already overcommitted -- too busy to have time for me, or already in a romantic relationship that precludes the kind of interest I crave. I'm paradoxically uninterested in available men, at the moment: they seem too old, or too young, or there's just no "spark." Maybe I'm being impatient, or setting my expectations too high. Worse, maybe I'm congenitally attracted to "unavailable" men, craving their attention precisely because it is difficult to obtain.

On a more practical note, maybe "busy" is just part of life right now. A side effect of "intelligent, competent, and creative." Any man who would interest me, is not likely to be sitting around doing nothing. At this age, mid-career, most of us are throwing ourselves into something, or the search for something. Many of us are moving quickly, on a fast track to somewhere, or changing course. Finding a partner in this heady phase of life is a bit like trying to merge airplanes in mid-flight: it's a minor miracle if any two meet while going exactly the same direction, let alone at the same speed.

Or maybe it's more like couples dancing: you have to make the effort to match each other. You can dance with almost any partner, as long as somebody leads and somebody follows, and you both pay attention. Holding yourselves in tandem requires a "frame," focus, and forgiveness. Once the groundwork is laid, synchrony of speed and direction are easily achieved. Even whirling turns and reversals are possible together, in fact are a pleasure, rather than a sign of discord.

I suppose dancing would be one way to meet more guys... or aikido, now that Chrismas presents have provided the gear and money that would allow me to join a dojo here.
I'd rather meet someone through a mutual pursuit, learn his character casually, than gamble on blind dates and personal ads. (The goal of "meeting someone" is more palatable than my sneaking suspicion that I've already met more than enough men, and what's missing is my own willingness to commit.)

This time of year always seems to require some degree of slowing down. Dangerous driving weather, mental energies and moods at a low ebb, and the tangle of cheerful commitments that excuse almost any lapse of attention. It's a strange time to be starting a new job. Wish me luck.