Valentine's is Coming -- Are You Ready?!?
(We have chocolate truffles if you need them.)

From time to time, various friends tell me their relationship woes. Being a "big sister" type, I tend to offer advice or "solutions" where only sympathy is needed. Sorry.

For those who _do_ want advice on taking those relationship bumps without losing your marbles, here's a little piece I wrote.

Erica's Unsolicited Lecture on Love

In my experience, unrequited love/interest is all too common. Falling in love is kinda like playing a slot machine, you can have *almost all* the right combinations of factors and still not win the jackpot.

(What's worse, being a good and lovable person doesn't necessarily improve your odds: people just fall for particular combinations of traits, both good and bad. Who knows what a person unconsciously desires? It might be love, good cooking, or a pure and ringing soprano voice; it might be verbal abuse, distance, illogic, boring hobby obsessions, or the smell of dirty socks.)

Unfortunately, once somebody's not interested, they tend to stay that way.

But that's depressing. A splash of hope:
If someone is interested, but there's a problem, you can ask about it. Problems can be solved and possibilities may open up again. Sometimes you learn more about yourself.

Meanwhile, cheer yourself up as best you can.
It might be that he has a secret insane wife ... or the woman of your dreams was only after you for your credit. When you covered the ATM screen, that was the beginning of the end. In these cases, you'll likely never know "the reason." But you're better off with them gone, eh?

We can clothe Your Lost (or Misplaced) Lover in absurd fantasy vices and motives if you like. If we make it funny enough, you could even use it as a no-pressure way to ask "What's Up?"

How about a multiple-choice "exit survey," like this one:

"We haven't heard from you in a while. Have we lost your interest? Would you mind participating in this brief survey to help us improve your romantic experience?

I'm not returning my calls at the moment because:

a) I got swept up in my work / hobbies / friend's crisis / family emergency, sorry, will send flowers ASAP

b) I realized I'm not ready to put my energy into a new relationship right now, at least not THIS much energy

c) I found someone else who collects buttons, smells like cheese, or is otherwise more "my type."

d) I suddenly had an attack of remorse over hiding my insane wife / husband / pernicious disease / love child, and resolved to distance myself from your innocent sweet self before causing further harm

e) You refused to participate in my nefarious plot, damn you to heck!

f) My secret boss from the Hidden Agedacy has called me for a Super-Sly Mission into the Danger Zone, and talking to you right now would blow my cover

g) You are my god(ess), and I worship you with a profound faith. I don't need to see you to know you are there. Can't you use your telepathy from up on that pedestal, to know how much I adore you?

h) Other ingenious explanation, insert here: ____________________________________________________

Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences with us. We value your choices, and will take any approriate steps to resolve issues that are brought to our attention.

Yours,
Miz/Mr X / The Management


...

When all else fails, take care of yourself. If you were a pet, would the Humane Society be worried? Here's my checklist:

- Eat, Drink, and Toilet: Use the many ingenious devices in the bathroom as needed (bathe, shower, potty, electronics, etc.)
- Rest: breath deep, stay warm or cool, sleep.
- Walkies: 2 days without exercise puts most people in a very bad state to handle stress or adrenaline. Take a walk, run, hike, bike, hit the gym, or dance your heartaches out before attempting a Serious Conversation. Otherwise, your body's unresolved Fight or Flight responses will kill any chances of a healthy outcome.
- Chemical Messengers, also called Angels of Angst: Adrenaline is one. Another one that gets me, personally, is blood sugar. What is it for you? You know your own triggers and conditions. Are you susceptible to alcohol, cigarettes, thyroid or brain chemistry imbalances? Drunk dialing is not the answer. If you indulge in chemical coping, get yourself cleaned up before you start in on someone else's intangible Relationship Issues.

Finally, remember we're all human. Give yourself and those around you the benefit of the doubt, or at least your compassion, if not forgiveness.
We're all stuck in these little squishy bodies that need constant care and attention, and we don't always manage to get everything "cleaned up" before we interact with each other.
But most of us mean well. And most of us respond better when we treat ourselves, and each other, gently. Do your best, give others the space to do the same, and save those really nasty comebacks for creative writing class.