Barber is a noble profession. And there’s a lot of history to it. Ever since man walked out of the caves with long unkempt hair, barbers have been there to greet us. They helped us get through the tumultuous 60s and are finally putting an end to last vestiges of the mullet. The saying goes that you shouldn’t trust a bald barber, but I instead don’t trust barbers whose poles do not spin. It just shows no respect for the craft. My barber is bald, and his name is Dick, and I suspect that he may be gay. But I’m okay with that, because his pole spins, and he washes the combs in that blue stuff – that you THINK is Windex but is actually cleansing solution, or blueberry Kool-Aid whichever.

Anyway, so my wife, having freshly married me, has decided that it is time for me to change. (The Neutering process begins!) She thinks my hair is ‘too conservative’ and wants me to go to a ‘stylist’ instead of a barber. Don’t worry, by ‘conservative’ she means ugly, and by ‘stylist’ she means a guy whose orientation is less ambiguously gay.

But stylists spray all kinds of crap in your hair? Stylist’s shops aren’t decorated with handguns, old horseshoes and tobacco spit?! STYLISTS DON’T HAVE SPINNY POLES??!!