First, the bad:

I think I'm cursed when it comes to getting a job. No joke. I found my dream job. The kind of law I wanted to do combined with a corporate atmosphere (which meant that I would be able to have nights and weekends with my family like a normal human being and not stress over billable hours). There were a bunch of other perks as well. Now, I hear that the position is being postponed indefinitely. It doesn't matter if they're interested in you or impressed if the job's not going to open up, now does it?

The weight of finding a job is wearing heavy on my shoulders and I feel so depressed over the entire thing. Come on now, it's just not right for me to be able to find nothing in this amount of time.

If I'm lucky, I can *maybe* find one legal position to apply for a week. And then, I'm not qualified enough for it. Blind sending resumes to law firms like I did in LA is no good because in this economy places just aren't hiring and don't want a flood of resumes they won't use.

I've thought about clerking for free just to get my foot in the door, but those positions are for law school students only. Some weird ass law out here doesn't allow them to hire an attorney for a student position.

Even the small firms and public servant positions aren't hiring. This economy sucks.

I need and want a job. Why the hell else would I have put myself through law school and two state bars? I know that I'm 33 and still getting parental aid just to make ends meet. I know that's beyond pathetic. I know that right now I'm a waste of space and an utterly worthless human being. I know all this and I'm trying my best to find something, but it's just like hitting my head into a brick wall.

This is seriously getting me down and depressed. I try to put on a happy face, but on the inside I feel like it would just be better for my parents if they never had me. I'll admit it. I'm useless.

The good:

One of the only things keeping me going is Gabriel. He's amazing and more than I could have ever hoped for. He's everything to me. And my god, is this kid smart. Reading his first word at 2 years and 2 months? Incredible. I'm so proud of him. I honestly don't know what I would do if I didn't have him in my life.

Last night we had a terrible storm. Super hard rain and lots of thunder and lightning. In the middle of the night, Gabriel came into our bedroom, climbed into bed with us, and snuggled up between Rob and I.

I think I might just have a Mama's boy on my hands right about now, and I love it. He's practically attached at my hip. You won't see me complaining about that. I need him just as much (if not more) then he needs me.

I have 4+ loads of laundry that I need to get done. But it can wait. Gabriel is currently sitting next to me on the couch and we're watching Mr. Rogers together. His head is on me and he's just chilling. I couldn't ask for a better kid. And I'm even saying this after having a poopsplosion this morning.

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