Happy birthday Eleanor. Today, you would have been 98 years old. I wish I could go to your grave today and put something there, but the ground is covered in snow and it's -33 outside right now. Besides, I don't think taking your great-grandson out in this weather would be a good thing, you know?

I miss you so much, I can't even say. I still think about you all the time and when I do, tears come to my eyes. I know people say that over time the pain goes away, but I think that's a load of bullshit. The pain never goes away, you just start to get used to it.

Last fall when I went to your grave to talk to you I felt you there. On the way home a certain song, "Silent Lucidity", played. While the lyrics made me cry, they also made me smile because I knew you were telling me that you were still there.

I wish you could see Gabriel now. He's grown so much and he is so amazing. Every day he surpasses my expectations. I know I'm biased, but I do believe he's the best little boy in the whole wide words. He's super smart and very athletic. He never ceases to amaze me.

I'm still trying to find a job as an attorney and that doesn't seem to be going to well. But it's okay, because I can take this time to be the best mother possible to Gabriel. God, you'd be proud of how this kid is turning out. While I might not be where I want to be in my career, I'm able to make an impact on my son's life, and in the end that's what will make my mark on the world.

I miss you so much Grandma. I wish you were still here and I'd give anything to have one more day with you. If I could go back in time go just one day, I'd want it to be when I was at your place. I remember how we used to play Uno and some Garfield card game. If I could do that, I'd hug you and tell you how much I cared about you.

Sometimes I drive by your old place in Muskego and sometimes I drive from there on the same route that we used to take to the mall in Hales Corners (which is gone now by the way). It's peaceful and heartbreaking all at the same time. But I need to do this on occasion, just so I remember and don't forget a single moment with you. You understand?

I told Dad that I visit your grave on occasion and he didn't understand why. His view is that when you're dead your gone and it doesn't matter anymore. I explained to him that these visits were for me, to make me feel better and he seemed to understand that. Did you know that someone had some delicate flowers planted in front of your headstone? I wonder if my aunt Mitzi did that. I hope I'm not the only one visiting.

God, I miss you so much. It doesn't get any easier, the pain is still there, but you have to get used to living with a hole in your heart and just keep going on.

Happy birthday Grandma. I miss you so much.