You can always spot an experienced traveler – or at least one who has been hit by a geyser of exploding creamer or salad dressing in the highly pressurized cabin of a plane – they always open containers pointing away from them. Our flight left Philadelphia for LA about an hour late today. We had left the gate when we had to return because someone forgot to either put on or take off cargo (I’m willing to bet there’s someone going to Dubuque whose luggage is in the belly of our plane), then the tractor that pushes the plane out into the alleyway had apparently been misplaced, then we were stacked up behind all the on-time planes whose cargo handlers hadn’t been out quite so late last night, then we were on the runway to the point where we had already heard the “Ladies and gentlemen we are number one for departure, flight attendants – please take your seats” message, when we heard the disturbing words, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re sorry to have to give you some bad news”. I was expecting to hear that someone’s pet bunny had been left behind and we needed to return to the gate to get it and that someone in the first class cabin would need to relinquish their seat for said rabbit. Instead, we were informed that a departure point to the west of the Philadelphia airport (I thought the airport *was* our departure point) was congested and that we’d need to leave the runway until the airspace was cleared. After an agonizing five seconds on the taxiway (which our martinet flight attendant informed us was an *active* taxiway and would we kindly return to our seats, put away our electronic devices, get out of the bathroom, and otherwise stop enjoying ourselves) we received word that the flight equivalent of Liquid Plumr had been applied to the clog and we were now free to go.

While sitting on the plane, I looked up at the monitor (which I was not watching) and saw an infomercial for Microsoft’s latest version of their applications. Highlighted on the screen in big letters was the word SAFEWORD. I knew that Microsoft could be tough on competitors and customers, but didn’t realize it had gotten to the point where we needed the adult equivalent of saying “uncle” when dealing with their apps.

Books: I Don’t Know How She Does It. So very recognizable, in many many ways. People use this phrase with me all the time and I never know what to answer. The dirty little secret is that there are multiple rooms in my house that are biohazard zones which the cats have adopted as alternative sanitary facilities, the entire family room needs to be blown up and done over, the mess from the flood in the basement last winter is still not cleaned up, I never did find all the Halloween decorations (maybe they were carried off in the flood and I just didn’t notice), and we spend about ten times as much on take out food as we do food from the grocery. But I never did pound on mince pies at 3 AM to make them look as if they were homemade. One small consolation.

In the spirit of this book, my “Must Remember” list would include – Buy 50th birthday gift for boss’s wife’s surprise party on Saturday night – something elegant and unique, but not too ostentatious – she has very particular tastes that cannot be duplicated, thus this precludes the usual stock gift ideas. Get to vet to buy diet cat food – two are too fat, one is anorexic – presents daily feeding challenge in which obese cats must be sequestered so that timid, skinny cat can drink her lactose-free milk in solitary – no noises can be made while she drinks or she will be scared off. Get rid of hay bale, cornstalks and pumpkins before they rot into soggy mess in front yard, verifying neighbor’s fears that we will become the house that exists in every neighborhood that is ill-maintained and weedy. Call all the places Caitlin ordered hemp clothing from (no more cotton, leather, or shoes that are made in Malaysian sweat shops for her) and find out why they’ve taken my money but have shipped nothing yet (fully expect to hear Jefferson Airplane in the background and the sounds of inhaling when I speak with customer service). Buy Christmas gifts for nanny, guitar teacher, cheerleading squad leader, administrative assistant. Plan dinner for new team who now reports to me. Try to schedule holiday lunch at restaurant that is, by now, completely booked and have to settle for Bob’s Big Boy Holiday Buffet.

Movies: the ending of Everybody Says I Love You. I want to be part of the family that can, in an entirely carefree manner, wing their way to Paris for the holidays and stay at the Ritz.
Pirates of the Caribbean (on the plane, no sound) – sadly realize that Johnny Depp looks better in eyeliner than I do.