As you may recall, a couple of weeks ago I visited a prospective client with one of our sales people ("Account Executive", for the politically-correctly inclined). He graciously gave me one of the logo'd corkscrews that were gifts for the people attending the session (which I had to stow in my checked bag, since it has not only the vicious corkscrew, but also a wickedly sharp little knife, and we certainly can't have the passengers randomly opening bottles of wine on domestic flights). He also promised to send me a "special" gift to my office.

When I returned from vacation, I waded through all the crap that had piled up on my desk (there are trade magazines for *everything* and you have to wonder who really reads all this junk). Among the offers for database analysis tools and seminars with Steve Ballmer and Craig Barrett, was a red box bound by a creamy grosgrain ribbon tied in a bow. I pulled the ends of the ribbon, wondering what other uses it could be put to, undid the knot, slipped the lid off the box (embossed with the Red Envelope name), removed the tissue paper and found a box containing a... pen. Now, I am not one to sneer at gifts, but pens are rather common business give-aways. I must have several dozen of them - wood, translucent plastic, light-up, heavy stainless steel, roller ball, ball point, even a Waterman that I treasure and never loan to anyone. This, however, is no common pen. This is a pen that brings snickers and sly looks from anyone to whom I demonstrate it. This is a pen that could only have been sent as a gift by someone who has not attended our anti-harassment training. This is a pen that I pray has not been sent to any of our clients or prospective clients. For this is a... massaging pen. As described on the Red Envelope site it "features a massaging top, which activates when pushed against a pressure point. Massage pen includes diagrams mapping out various spots for remedying stress." Yes. Just what you're thinking. And no. It doesn't write very well at all.

It could have been worse. It could have been the laughing pen.