Beginning of April - join a health club, begin low-intensity weight training and cardio workouts. Develop almost imperceptible soreness in a few places.

Mid-April - continue the weight training and cardio, add in Pilates. Notice some sense of having been stretched on the rack after the classes on the "Reformer" (which is the mechanical incarnation of a prison cell-mate you never want to know).

May 3 - have first serious personal training session that involves large plastic balls, free weights, track walking, stretching, and something called a Cibex machine. Realize that lower back is in rebellion from having to curve under the large purple ball while squatting and holding a 20 pound weight.

May 4 - wake up to acute pain in the quadriceps area, with some soreness in the calves. Expect pain to lessen during the day as I get up and walk about. Once again, am proved completely wrong. Attend Pilates class and grit teeth through the additional pain brought on the leg circles and toe presses and such.

May 5 - get out of bed and discover that right leg, specifically the right calf, has decided to retire and move to Tahiti, leaving behind a quivering, shrieking mass of previously connected muscle fragments. End up on floor on top of dog who is curious as to the early AM display of affection. Thigh and left calf pain pale in comparison to the agonizing pain in right calf.

Struggle into work, hoping there will be no fire today that will require use of stairs. Stop every time I stand up for approximately 5 minutes to convince brain that the sharp, stabbing sensation of a serrated knife cutting through the calf muscle isn't really *that* bad. Slide crab-like across floor, moving from one piece of furniture to the next, smacking self in head for not having the foresight to keep a cane in my office (like my TV crush, Dr. House).

Get home and open BenGay Pain Relieving Heat Pad. Remove backing, apply sticky side to calf and wait for the "concentrated, deep-penetrating heat". Wait some more and note distinct odor of eau de camphor. Wait and realize that leg muscle is cramping further due to slimy, cold adhesive on pad. After 30 minutes of chill with no heat, give up and fall back to plan B, the traditional heating pad, with its temperature settings of "too cool to be called heat", "slight warming sensation", and "approximate temperature of the surface of the sun".

Check Pfizer web site (they really don't like to admit they make BenGay, or maybe they're just a tad preoccupied with the Bextra/Celebrex mess) and in their cleverly hidden FAQ discover that "The patch will first feel cool before generating a warming sensation. For best results, please ensure that the skin is clean and dry before applying." Aha!! Clean *AND* dry!! And here I thought filthy and dry or clean and saturated was ok! Silly me!

Wonder how to tell a strained or pulled muscle from something torn or rent apart. Wonder if there's any of that oxycodone left in the medicine chest...