It has come to my attention that we’ve recently changed to a new brand of coffee stirrers. The previous ones were sturdy red plastic, capable of mixing a concoction of three parts powdered creamer, two parts sugar and one part coffee into a perfectly blended drink. The current choice of gossamer-thin, translucent, flimsy white “sticks” may be a good look for Lindsay Lohan, but is woefully inadequate for actually combining liquid ingredients. If these stirrers were men, they would need a cocktail of Viagra, Cialis and Levitra to perform, if you get my meaning (btw, that should in no way be construed as a statement of sexual and/or workplace harassment, so please don’t contact HR – again – there’s no need to hold a grudge for that “officious little prick with a Napoleon complex” comment from several years ago). Because of the structural deficiencies in this product, I am forced to use three stirring devices to mix my morning eye-opener. That would hardly seem cost-effective or environmentally sound because, as we all know, plastic doesn’t grow on trees. So please, in between enforcing the office/cubicle space policy down to the square inch with a zeal that can only be described as maniacal, please bring back the relentlessly robust and rigid stirrers of our past.

And while we’re on the subject of swirling liquids, I realize that the installation of the new automatic flushers in the bathrooms was well-intentioned (and we all know what road is paved with *those* intentions), but is it really necessary to flush three times every time? I don’t need the toilet to say hello to me via a flush the instant I enter the stall. Nor do I need to be reminded with a celebratory flush that it takes me a bit longer to get myself together than it used to. One flush is almost always sufficient. And I prefer to decide when additional cleansing of the bowl is required.

Yours in the pursuit of continuous improvement,
That woman who had her conference table replaced three times because the first one was scratched, the second was too small, and the third didn’t match the chairs