Although I don't regularly read the text on "feminine products", I am plumbing new depths of boredom here at the beginning of two weeks of a non-Hawaiian vacation (which is another whole story in itself). Apparently this is what led to me read the words that are printed - in tiny, non-Boomer-aging-eyes font, I might add - on the little piece of paper that you, um, peel away from certain parts of certain feminine products - "Have a Happy Period." Repeated in French no less. WTF?? This is what happens when good marketers go bad because they have too much time on their hands. Do the people at Always feminine products really believe that that smirkingly obnoxious message will bond me further to their brand? Do they actually think that reading those words will make me cheerful and forget about the cramps and the bloating and the tenderness and the backaches and the headaches and the general bitchiness that causes one child to warn the pets away from being anywhere in my vicinity? DO THEY??

In keeping with the "let's share unseemly female details" theme of this entry, the younger child had an appointment for a physical this week. After we got into the exam room and the nurse had taken her blood pressure, she handed Becca a paper gown and a sheet and told her to take off all her clothes except for her bra and panties and put on the (embarrassing, chilly, and difficult to maneuver) paper gown with the opening in the front. As she left the room and closed the door, Becca turned to me with a chagrined look on her face. Paper gown nerves, I thought. Until she said to me in a small voice, "No one told me I had to wear panties today."

Monthly ISP charge, $14.95. Cable modem bill, $59.95. Humiliating your children on the Internet, priceless.