INSURANCE: An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.
~ Ambrose Bierce ~
The new year dragged with it much that is different (though, sadly, not new and improved), not the least of which is a new health insurance plan. (As a caveat, before I start the full-fledged, artery-popping, shrill-voiced rant, I do feel overwhelmingly fortunate that our family has health insurance at all, that we do not have to choose between food and prescriptions, and that we live in the middle of a deep vein of excellent medical care.)

Over the years we’ve been associated with every insurance company, HMO, PPO, and all other xxOs that make up the health insurance world. The last one – United Healthcare – treated us reasonably well, and the quality of their service was adequate. Translated, this means that they took less than a year to process most claims, did not send statements that contained more than 12 unintelligible jargon-filled sentences, and your average wait on their 800 number was only 30 minutes. The current insurer – it begins with an A and ends with an etna – and the plan that my ex-company opted for have combined, in just 11 short days to provide omens of a very bad year, laced with much profanity directed at the people who dream up such convoluted rules and procedures. (Much as the meek shall inherit the earth, so shall the officious burn eternally in every circle of hell simultaneously.)

First, we were notified that they will not supply a third insurance card for my 18 year-old son to carry to his appointments. They suggested that we print a “temporary” one from their website and use that. I suggested that they print one and use it to make an origami rectal thermometer and use it to determine whether their temperature is in the red zone.

Next, they sent us a paper notice that Becca could stay in the hospital for 3 days to recover from her appendectomy. We received it after she had been discharged. Because we had learned from their website that 2 days was the maximum stay unless there were complications. They apparently don’t understand the concept of “calling on the phone” or “sending an email” to alert customers about information that is perishable.

The crowning glory – thus far – is the prescription drug plan. Also known as the “Save the next one of those GET YOUR MEDS FROM CANADA spam mails because you’re going to need it” plan. There are quantity limits, and impenetrable medical terminology, and a “step therapy” section (which means that you need to try a less expensive medication before you can move up to a more expensive medication. Great in theory, but it even applies if it’s a medication that you’ve been on for years! I saw my sleep doctor today and she’s familiar with the drill – she writes a letter describing the medical necessity for the medication, the insurance company rejects it, she writes another letter, and they may approve it. A complete and utter waste of time and money. I wonder how many people develop high blood pressure directly as a result of this plan.

This insurer’s tag line is “We want you to know”. There are simply too many ways to complete that thought to even begin to list them here.