Being my own special interpretation aka thin, sad rip-off of a blog post that Keith Snyder posted 6/9 entitled "Memo to Ladies of Queens Boulevard". A) go click on Keith's link up there so I don't have to mess up the url and B) it's an homage, dammit.

TO: Strangers in Seattle, or actually, anywhere I've been
FROM: The woman using the motorized 3 wheel scooter with the Powerpuff Girl Stickers
RE: Your attempts to make contact with the woman using the motorized 3 wheel scooter ….

1. Yes, that's right, it's motorized. Yes, I can plug it in to recharge it. Yes, it needs recharging.

2. Five miles an hour.

3. Yes, it's very handy.

4. No, I don't use it so that you can make cute jokes about it. I really do have a disability. It's not endlessly fascinating to discuss it with strangers seeing as I've lived with my disability for decades. How long have you had yours?

5. Yes, I CAN steer it rather well. I've been using a motorized scooter for 8 years. They're easier to steer than an office chair. This is not rocket science. It goes forward, it goes backward. It goes. It stops.

6. Thank you for your suggestion. I'll be sure to go real fast next time.

7. Thank you for your suggestion. I'll be sure to slow down next time I see you so my scooter -a teeny little vehicle which cannot possibly go faster than 5 miles an hour at its best - does not scare you. You can stop hyperventilating now, really. I stopped 4 feet away from you.

8. None of your business.

9. How much did your car cost you? How much was your cell phone? Or your laptop? Why is it ok for you to ask a total stranger the cost of something she is using?

10. About three years.

11. Yes, well it would have been a lot better if Medicare would actually pay for something this useful, but alas, they have a rule that says "if you don't use a scooter in the house, you clearly aren't disabled enough for us. Never mind that your house isn't accessible. Never mind that without the scooter, you'd be housebound. We don't care, we don't have to, we're Medicare. And sorry ,but you asked, you get to hear the rant.

12. None of your business.

13. Yes, I'd be glad to discuss it with you because your mother/father/son/daughter/sister needs one.

14. Gosh, that's funny. I've had a scooter since 1997 and never once has anyone joked about getting a "speeding ticket" before in my life. Not once. Golly gee, gosharootie, that's funny. yuk-yuk. Sorry but it gets tiresome, even if you DO think you're being original.

15. Here's the deal. I'll trade you. You can have the scooter. And you get the fractures, all the bone problems, ALL the pain, every thing that put me here. Deal? Here's the key. It's yours, the second we trade lives.

16. Yes, it goes on the bus. I ride the bus all the time. Is this your first time ever using public transit in Seattle? I see; well, all buses in this city have been lift -equipped for years. Yes, that is very nice. No, Metro did not do it because they felt like being nice.

17. Yes, it goes backwards. Yes, it can tip over, but you have to be immensely stupid to let that happen. Yes, I've been immensely stupid. Twice.

18. Sir, get out of my way. I have a migraine headache, rather severe pain in my hip and your little dancey-pooh getting in my way on the sidewalk, yuk, yuk, and blocking my way is SO not funny it makes me want to scream filth at you. I don't care if you're a spry old man and you're having a good day. Sorry.

19. No.

20. Sometimes.

21. Thank you for moving. Thank you for offering to get the door, that does help. No thank you, I don't need any more assistance. I appreciate you asking me.

22. I have an undiagnosed bone disease. Or rickets. DHAC Syndrome. Twonk's disease. Leprosy. Do you always ask personal questions of total strangers? Good. Then tell me, do you have a lover? How much do you weigh? What are you most ashamed of in your life? Why is any of this my business? What makes any of my life your business?

23 Bungee-jumping. Dueling at Heidleburg. Stock-car racing. A transporter accident.

24. Have you seriously, SERIOUSLY, actually listened to what you just said????? Do you truly mean to suggest that you wish you could have a scooter Just Like Me? Because your FEET hurt? Because you had a hard day SHOPPING? And you think that's witty and a way to relate to me?

25. No, sorry. I'm not saintly and I'm not going to give you a sweet special smile like you are giving me, because you feel sorry for me.

26. No, you may NOT recommend magnets, aromatherapy, healing with chimes, feng shui, rolfing, special nifty-keen vitamins and supplements which are guaranteed to fix whatever is wrong with me. You don't know the first thing that is wrong with me and you're practicing medicine - or something - without a license and without my permission.

Your recommendations are important to us. Please keep them coming so that we may endeavor to better assist you in every way. With your help, we can make a difference to boneheaded disabled people who use adaptive equipment in order to function in the world because otherwise they are housebound. Just because you know nothing about me, please don't let that stop you from offering unwanted advice, offering me special sweet smiles, making tiresome tedious jokes so you can somehow "relate" to the handicapped person, or show we're not so different.

We are different. I don't go out of my way to show my ignorance to strangers and expect them to allow me to pry into their personal lives all because "I mean well".

Yours truly,

Tired, Impatient Disabled Woman

PS Yes, thank you, I am.