I got back from running errands today and mid-afternoon realized that, as is pretty common 'round these parts, I wasn't going to get IT all done today. I should be used to that by now, not getting IT all done, whatever IT is. I seldom manage to accomplish what I'd hoped to accomplish on any given day. It's been going on long enough that I really should be used to it; so why can't I get used to it and learn to underachieve?

Today's list was the post office, the bank and the drug store. I get to our baby post office 2 - 3 times a week; I sell books on half.com and the deal there is that whenever you confirm a sale, you're required to ship the item the next business day. I'm a good little half.com seller; often in fact, I ship the same day. What the heck, I'm going out anyway, right? What burns my fur is that many sellers on half.com, these big huge bookstore warehouses DON'T ship the next business day. One time Stu bought a book that took over 2 weeks to get shipped out, the bastards, and the only compensation he got was the return of his shipping fee; I felt that he should have gotten the book totally for free, since they sorta didn't play by the rules. And these big vendors are never shut down by half.com, because half.com makes enough money off them that all the complaints don't seem to matter. "Feedback" in the negatives - lots of it - doesn't counter all the money that's made and speaking as a seller who's got a 100% positive feedback rating (yes, really), that irks me. The poor little gimp girl can manage, why can't Big Store that probably has a UPS truck all to itself.

I like my little baby post office; when I went to get a post office box for Left Coast, they all had a conference on which box would be best for me, making sure it was one I could reach - they discussed it before even asking me. They know me, especially Connie and Cheryl; they know not to offer me the Air Force Academy stamps, or the Reagan stamps. They are super people, they take pride in their work and they are efficient and friendly and considerate. So it's never really a chore going to the post office; besides, I have a book, right? So off to the post office with today's 3 books. Always fascinating to see WHAT sells; in today's batch was a brand new paperback (which I priced to cost less than list even with postage) (I liked the book but have the hardcover); one was a small press mystery that I thought would NEVER sell, only because it was pretty obscure and one was a new ARC of a book I'll never read. Then off to the bank. Which they've just remodeled. And somebody puh-leeze explain to me why that HORRID shade of green is again so popular? My bank seems to have been taken over by 60s kitchen designers, with orange, and green and I think some harvest gold. Then on to one of the neighborhood drugstores and home.

Mind you, I sit the whole way, right? Remember, I've got the scooter (which is being upgraded; I'll have a new one within the month, as this one is d-y-I-n-g……) and my walking is very limited. And I get home and I'm exhausted. Walking lately is really tiring; it doesn't HURT exactly, but my hips don't really want to function normally, and I'm just damn weary all the time. So I skipped the trip to the photocopy place and decided not to try to find those papers today. Which I need to find. But I'll do it tomorrow. Then late this afternoon FINALLY, the damn phone company's modem arrived (they called today to say DSL had been hooked up - this is the same phone company that said THREE TIMES that I could not get DSL, the last time being February, and when I asked why I could now, and why they had not managed to tell me like they had promised ALL THREE TIMES, they said something that sounded like "Frazzle, braggle, farglensnurfen blarg fitz. Glibble fleepbendorf, negler popskinl." And it was only 4:20 and there was time to call my Wonderful ISP and ask the Wonderful Douglas to walk me through the hookup, but I decided to wait.

Is that not pathetic? I HATE being this weary. And I seem to have these 3 levels; the lowest is minimum which is what I will ACCEPT as what I accomplished (I have to have SOMETHING to show for the day, or I just will freak out. I was like this when I worked, I had to have something to point at, and say "I did THIS today" even when much of what I was doing ws long-term planning type work); the second is what I WISH I could have accomplished and the third, which just doesn't happen is always what I think I should have accomplished. Yeah, I know. Should. The disability is so tiring that I go between levels one and two almost every day and don't ever tend to hit level three.

Do we all do that? Set goals too high and try to accomplish too much? It seems like I've always been like that to some extent and absolutely am now that I've got so many limitations. It's due, in large part, to the feeling that what I do doesn’t add up to a hill of friggin' BEANS in most measurements. I mean, I understand that housework is time-consuming, but it's not, I believe, what I was MEANT to do, but my day's accomplishment is often nothing more than getting some laundry done, and playing find-the-floor in the bedroom. And I keep comparing myself to er, well, those normal people who go to work in the morning, drop off the kids on the way, work a day job, bring the kids to afterschool programs, get home, get all that stuff done, and it's just part of the side stuff of their day whereas for me, sometimes it IS my day. "Accomplishment" means using my brain to some extent and doing something a little more, what, more glamorous? More meaningful? Than putting away the dishes and getting those books back on the shelves. I guess I'm somehow worried that my brain will atrophy if I don't "accomplish" something mentally challenging, and that going to the grocery store and the drug store ain't it.

I can sometimes use reading as "what I accomplished" although I know deep down I feel like it's cheating, because, um, blush, it's fun and so somehow it can't be real work. You know that one? But as long as I tell myself I might review what I'm reading, it's somehow work. (Shhh, that's utter bullshit, I know, but don't tell me, okay?) I just wish that I could adjust my "it's not enough" setting to "it's enough" and not, after all this time, STILL feel the guilt trip.