Tomorrow I take my second dose of Fosamax, the once a week anti-osteoporosis drug. I’ve been trying to take this crap since JULY, mind you, when we first sent the application in to Merck, the drug company that makes Fosamax. And I called the doctor’s office for weeks to try and get a phone number to follow up and then I’d forget that they hadn’t called back. And some time in September or October we tried again, since the first application had been returned (it took like 3 people and 4 calls to discover this.) So the new one comes to me and THIS time I take a better photocopy AND note the date I sent it AND the phone number on the form – which, duh, you don’t get to keep and it goes back to the company – why can’t they create a smarter form with a tear-off? Because, well, ok, I’m not a big deal conspiracy theorist but this is something like the third time I’ve tried to get medication from a drug company on one of those “make meds available to the needy” programs and it’s now November 12 and I have yet to see a pill. I did call Merck and they said that yes, I’d been approved and that the order had gone “to the pharmacy”. Apparently, “the pharmacy” is on Saturn, because that phone call was something like 2 weeks ago and I’ve yet to see the pills from Merck. Which are to come directly to me from Merck. (I like saying “Merck” - it’s like the noise some really weird duck makes.)

So when I’m at my gp’s office last week (getting a cortisone shot in the shoulder) I mention I’m going to start on the stuff and the nurse, the Wonderful Barb, says “want some samples”? Um, yeah. Sure. And I get two samples. Which is enough for two weeks; yeah, this is a once a week pill. Once a WEEK, folks. Wow, huh? My sister was on it, but she’s doing something now involving injections and shudder, I don’t want to think of that. (The cortisone seems to work on a sort of steady-state bursitis I have developed from using a cane all the time; it’s unavoidable – I try switching sides but no matter what, my shoulder is pissed.)

So will the Fosamax work? Who the hell knows? I don’t HAVE osteoporosis. I I’m not post-menopausal It’s designed to REVERSE the bone loss from osteoporosis in post-menopausal women I said so to the rheumatologist and like the smart guy he is he said “Right. But do you care, so long as it works?” Um, no of course not. Growing bone would be a good thing; even if it doesn’t fix the pelvic weirdness, if it grows hip bone, that would be nice (my hip bones are too thin to allow for hip replacements) or maybe stave off something nasty happening with my spine.

So it’s so simple. It’s a pill; I can take any pill. It’s once a week. I can deal with that (I take HOW many pills every day?) But here’s the thing – the thing I guess falls under the “human nature” category. You have to a) take the pill with 6 – 8 ounces of water; b) not eat or drink anything for 30 minutes after you take it and c) whatever you do, DON’T LIE DOWN. Now does that seem difficult? It does NOT. It IS NOT difficult. I get up every day and sit up reading the paper for at least 30 minutes. Only after I’m done do I usually get up and get my first cup of coffee – and it takes 25 minutes or more to read the daily Seattle Times. I just dumped the second paper so it was taking an hour. No problem right? Thirty minutes is NOTHING. Lately, I’ve gone back to sleep – really weird, and rare for me, but after I’ve been up an hour. Sometimes two.

You’re already there, aren’t you? Last Sunday when I took Pill #1, I wanted my coffee RIGHT NOW. Instantly, Immediately I thought Sunday would be a smarter day to do this, since I’d spend at least a half hour with the paper, I know I would. The Sunday paper takes longer than the daily, especially with the two crossword puzzles. Even if I were tired, I could wait 30 minutes and not go right back to bed. Not a problem. Right. Oh Mannnnnnn

The “fosamax.com*” website has this namby-pamby “make the most of your 30 minutes” cuteness: They suggest that you “walk the dog” or “watch tv” or “listen to music” or “do your banking” or “read to a child” or meditate” or “do errands.”

What, like taking this drug reduces brain cells, like you can’t think of a THING to do for 30 minutes???? Screw you Merck jerks. Even if what I suddenly want to do is have a cup of coffee and lie down, not necessarily in that order.

Just knowing I couldn’t made me twitch. Last Sunday, I poured that first mug of coffee 29 friggin’ minutes after I swallowed the Fosamax. No one was gonna keep me from MY coffee.

I mean come on, what’s with that? Every morning I do it as a matter of course. I wait on the coffee because see I get up, grab the paper, push the button on the coffeemaker and head back to bed to read the paper while the coffee happens, all while waiting for the vicodin to kick in. So I’m in no hurry to get back up immediately (and yes I’d LOVE to have the coffee maker in the bedroom but that’s a little much, don’t we think?)

But tell me I HAVE TO do it, and I can’t? Is THAT pathetic or WHAT? Is this sad? Just because I’m told “don’t do it” I want to? I’m usually not that knee-jerk ornery and it’s apparently for a hugely good reason – there is apparently a strong possibility of inflammation of the esophagus if you don’t do these things.

*I love this bit - on the website, if you click the info for “healthcare professionals” a little box comes up where you state “Yes, I am a healthcare professional” and poof, there you are! Now that makes it safe, right?