I know karma isn’t supposed to be a point-based system, or any sort of scoring system, but lately I feel like I’ve been in competition for postal and delivery karma points. Every time something works, something goes so awry that I start to wonder if I’m on a list somewhere. Here’s my story.

1) Back in February, I was on deadline for a short article for Library Journal. I had to provide two short interviews with two new authors that would be sidebars for the big mystery article. (yeah, the one I wrote in 2004 but never mind). Since my editor had picked 3 authors and had already interviewed one, I had a short time to get the books, read them, create some questions, send them (I prefer interview by email than phone for a number of reasons and no one has turned me down yet on this) get them back, edit them, probably edit them again and send them in. One book arrived smartly at the front door in a timely fashion and everything went smoothly. Book number two? Not so good. Not only did DHL CLAIM they had delivered it – when they had NOT – but after spending a good two hours dealing with call centers and customer service (nice but had no answers) and incomplete web pages and reports of delivery, I finally got the damn thing. It was delivered upstairs three days after it allegedly was delivered. To the side door, the front door or the back door, take your pick. We still don’t know, but given that my deadline was Friday and DHL finally managed to come through (albeit uselessly since I can’t go upstairs) Thursday afternoon, I got lucky and got an extension. And the author knew the email was coming and she managed to reply to my questions and I crammed all the work in to a few hours but it worked.

And it’s bound to happen again since alas, my editor’s company has an exclusive deal with DHL. And no one is exactly sure WHY the driver claimed to have brought the package to me on Monday, when there was no sign of it anywhere and it showed up, without explanation 3 days later. Okay, well here’s hoping. I have been informed that there’s now a new driver on the route. Oh thrills, since we have no idea what the old driver was thinking, doing, how he could report the COLOR of the house and claim delivery but it did not show up on the tracking website, nor at ANY DOOR of the house.

2) In March, someone sent a small package overnight to Stu. The package, which contained medical supplies was delayed and not delivered. It ended up being brought to our front door BY TAXI after Federal Express contacted us to say they had managed to screw up and once again claimed the driver said the address was no good. The address was of course 100 percent accurate and good and we only had to wait another 24 hours for something he badly needed.

The second shipment came this week. Delivered by Fedex. Upstairs.

Mind you, we live in a duplex – an up and down house – with two different addresses and it can be confusing. The house sits on a corner; the upstairs faces the actual street we are on (Linden Avenue) while our entrance, around the back, is well, in the back. And you have to go to the side of the house, on 87th street to find the gate which leads to our front door and mailbox. But it’s not like it’s a secret; there are signs. Lots of them.

When we moved here in 1990, we had a mailbox upstairs and both boxes had the same number - 8618; after a few years, I realized that had to be changed. I could not walk well any longer - there was that year on crutches - and there were too damn many steps. To get to the front door of this house you go down a flight of steps from the street, walk a few feet then go up a few steps to the front door. So we asked the post office for advice – which they gave. Wrongly by the way, telling us to use an address on 87th street. No no, said the city, use the second house number. WHAT second house number? Oh, you’ve ALWAYS had two numbers at that house. You’re 8616. Well that seemed easy. Except it took close to FIVE YEARS for the mail carriers to GET that there were not two addresses and that the second box was DOWNSTAIRS and they could not leave stuff for 8616 upstairs.

We’ll pass by the part about moving of the box from the door to the street when the landlady was told that we would be required to use one of those new “curbside” boxes until I said “no, we will NOT because I will not go out every day, in the rain at times, using the scooter to go fetch my mail. And no, I will not wait every day for Stu to come home and go fetch the mail. I have a right to my mail and putting a box on the corner is not what we call reasonable accommodation.” And muttered something about ADA and getting the name of the person who told the landlady this would be “required” and asking for a copy of the regulations that “required” this.

No we won’t talk about that part.

So mostly. MOSTLY now, we get our mail. And we almost never get the mail for the people upstairs. Mostly. There have been days where we got all their mail – which is baffling. But mostly we get what is sent to us. Except for the “Christian music” magazine that a former housemate subscribed to using OUR house number.

Except

In the past year as I’ve become more established as a reviewer, I’ve been getting more books. One particular publisher seems to send stuff out in bulk and about once a month, I get all the books from that press and another – they share distribution or something. And in recent months, the carrier has left the 8 to 12 books in a plastic bin at my front door. Fine. Groovy. I take the m out and bring them in and leave the plastic bin to be picked up.

Yeah. Right. Twice after leaving the bin out for THREE DAYS, I brought it back to the local post office; after all, I’ there 2 to 3 items a week and I could take it on the scooter. But last time I couldn’t. I just had trouble handling it. So I called the post office and after like what seemed like hours trying to get through their stupid phone system, spoke to the “delivery supervisor” who handles our area and said “why can’t I get the bin picked up?” and of course, the DS had no clue. It should have been. Yeah, I agree. Maybe it was sub who brought it but you know, it’s not my responsibility. So the last one finally got picked up.

I won’t go into the weirdness of having the post office box where stuff is regularly delivered to the last guys who had the box, or bounced back for no clear reason to the sender. No we won’t talk about that part either.

But a while back after the post office lost a book I had sold, I got frustrated. I’d had pretty good if not very good luck for years and then suddenly, bam, two books just disappeared into thin air. Stolen ? Nah. I don’t tend to believe postal employees steal, especailly not books. Especially not books that have no huge value. Lost most likely, behind stable or fallen off the automated thingy-whatsy. I tried tracking one and it took THREE months for them to get back to me to say “nope, didn’t find it.” To which we answer “no shit, really?”

So I decided to start using the Post office’s own “delivery confirmation” dealy. For what was like 45 cents and is now 60, you put a sticky bar code on the package and when the carrier delivers it at the other end, they read the bar code into the system and poof, it says “your item was delivered at 3:45 PM at the zip code given.”

Except that I’ve had at least 4 items fail to be scanned. I’ve known they were received because the buyers were nice enough to post feedback; but according to the post office, flat nothing. So I fill out a form and get my lousy 60 cents back. But more to the point, this system obviously has flaws. And the failures are from different post offices different zips, so it’s not like one mail charier has a faulty machine.

I know the odds have been pretty good in my favor, but come ON how hard IS it to scan a bar code???? I’ve got a book right now that I sent out on April 5; on April 10, allegedly a notice was left for the recipient. It’s now the 22d and I have no update. I have no idea where the package is, despite language on the PO website that says the info is updated daily.

This week we started a whole NEW game. I was crazed trying to get some items to the Malice Domestic convention which is this weekend. I realized on Tuesday that I hadn’t arranged for this and with the help of some wonderful friends, worked out a way to send some flyers. I no longer have any real faith in ANY delivery system (see above) but figured how hard could it be for the post office to deliver one of their “express mail” packages to a a house and to a hotel. (I don’t trust hotels either; the items sent by the Seattle hotel to me at the hotel in El Paso during LCC in 2005 never appeared. But I called the Malice hotel and asked “how do I address something? Will it work?”

When I packaged the stuff up on Wednesday, I even asked my buddy Cheryl at the post office “Should I waive the whole signature thing?” and she advised me not to, since I was pretty sure someone would be a) home and b) at the hotel front desk to sign for the stuff.

Yeah, you’re there, aren’t you? The item DID arrive Thursday at the home it was sent to. But it was close. The mail carrier THERE left a note saying the package was too big for the mailbox and the FATHER of my friend, a man who had a KNEE replacement six months ago, had to chase the asshole DOWN the driveway to get it. The package that he was not supposed to LEAVE in the friggin mailbox but to hand over after someone SIGNED FOR IT.

WAIT wait there’s more. Stu completely accidentally put something in the mailbox outside our local po today; It’s Saturday. I called the post office that handles our area (not this one, which was closed) and got this REALLY NICE GUY who actually answered the phone (good luck even trying to GET the phone number from the USPS website – which does not have customer service folks on the weekend). He explained what would happen to the non-mail – how it would be put aside and we’d probably get a phone call and I said “what if I went and waited for the next pick up and explained? Might the picker-upper be willing to look for the item if I prove who I am?”

Maybe, says Rob the really nice guy. It might be worth it, he can’t promise. So off I scoot; it’s sunny out, the baby post office is only like 6 blocks away and I have like ½ hour.

So I wait. Reading my book. Pick up time comes and goes. Another 15 minutes pass. I call Stu – we can’t figure it out. I’ll wait a little while longer and then….no wait, I’ll call Really Nice Rob again and ask. No, he says, they’re on a tight schedule, so no picker-upper should be this late; If it says 4:20 pick-up by 4:50, it aint gonna happen. So I head home.

Where was the 4:20 pickup? Cancelled? Pick-up driver kidnapped by aliens? Who gets to explain to all the people (including at least 6 who I saw drop stuff off as I sat there) who think their mail is going into the system today? There’s no Sunday pick-up noted; if the pick-up today does not happen the stuff ain’t going out before Monday morning. So what’s the story? If that pickup doesn’t exist, shouldn’t someone come by with a bottle of wite-out and delete it? If not, where was the guy? I left thinking “well, if he’s that late he might not want to be reminded” “but wait, maybe I could guilt trip him” And we still have no idea. And come Monday, I wonder how long it will take me to find out why that mail wasn’t picked up. And if I’ll ever recover that deposit slip and check, which Stu meant to drop at the bank and just spaced out and dropped into the mailbox.

So there you are. Am I ahead? Am I being punished for something I did in a past life involving delivering something? Bad news? I don’t get it. WHAT is so HARD ABOUT THIS STUFF anyway?