I try very hard not to go looking but there are days.

Do you have them? The days where it feels like all the appliances are ganging up on you? Or that despite knowing, somewhere in your intelligent, reasonable self that you really have a closet full of perfectly suitable clothes that you “have nothing to wear”? The days when you feel like Avner the Eccentric doing one of his famous mime routines: drop the pencil, lean over, pick up the pencil, ddrop the hankie, lean over, pick up the hankie, drop the change, lean over, pick up the change, drop the pencil, lather, rinse, repeat. Go mad.

I’m back from a week long trip and my exhausting levels are of course making it hard to manage just about everything. Big words HARD. Making sense out of things, articulating, remembering something that was absolutely obvious a week/few days ago is way beyond me. I’m pretending it all has to do with jet lag, time zone changes and setting the clocks back. I have no idea what all that means – more to the point, I have no idea what time it really IS where. Yesterday I got on an airplane about 4:00 pm and got home about 12:30 pm but who knows really?

So I’m a little befuddled. And trying to deal with

a) the email that I saw last week but sat on while I was away and not at my desk to check some things. About three or more months ago, I approached someone about an event that would take place at Left Coast Crime, which is next February. The time I invested in this – the explanations, meetings, repeated explanations, emails, repeated repetitions and clarifications were unnerving. But a month and a half ago the email that read “consider this a confirmation that yes, we will do this” was there in my inbox so hey, it was going to happen. Except that I still had to write and say “well, so, um like….?” And well no it’s not. The “commitment” that was made was written on thin jello and dissolved, leaving me with little time, little energy to find another thing to put in its place. And I am so riproaringly pissed off at the lack of professionalism shown by these alleged professionals, and their last minute pull-out (of something that really would NOT have been a lot of work, would have made lots of folks happy and for which I was providing a lot of back-up) is just really really fucking tacky to say the least.

b) the email from a different professional who wrote “Dear Mr. Shechter despite – as I remembered – being TOLD, that is to say HAVING A NOTE IN THE FILE – that “Andi Shechter” was of the female gender. And said person is in the business of shall we say, diplomacy, and of knowing better. And yeah, she apologized but I didn’t need it to start with.

c) waiting for the library to delivery books in the afternoon based on a 12 year schedule that has never changed “First Thursday of the month” from 12:30 to 4:30. Except that today the library was closed and no one saw fit to notify those of us scheduled for “Frist Thursday delivery” that the library was closed. No phone call, no email, no call in advance to set up a different day/time for this monthly (monthly mind you) delivery. In the past, someone had always managed to phone me and say “so what shall we do?” but suddenly I’m feeling like the 2nd class citizen that the library intended me to feel like a couple years back when they tried to shut down this library department.

d) half.com which has decided not to allow the sale of ANY ARCs, in a rude, backward asshole manner (claiming it is “policy” but stated nowhere) now cannot manage to update its catalogue at all. For anything. And will not reply to emails when I ask “are you in a dispute with St Martins?” because they have no new SMP books listed when I go to list them for sale. Upwards of 15 or more books that I received to review. I either tried them, they’re duplicates or whatever and I wanted to sell them and I can’t. Because the half.com people won’t update their catalogue, won’t explain why not and won’t fix it. They use “MUZE” which also won’t reply to inquiries when I ask “if there some reason you can give me why I can’t list these books on half.com, which you support?” So I have a slew of ARCs I can’t sell or even swap on the bookswap site (as they do not accept ARCs) and listing them on half.com will get me suspended again or dumped and I don’t WANT THEM and really truly honestly think selling them for a few bucks is a benefit to all.

e) someone who promised years ago “I’ll be member #1 at any convention you run” just wrote to cancel his LCC membership. Now I know life happens. I don’t get upset – this always happens and it really is okay. Except for right now. Today. This minute. Because he “promised” and wouldn’t you know it? It feels mean and personal even though the sane part of my brain knows better.

f) this one which I just remembered. The check to LCC from a company with no information. The company from the middle of nowhere sends $190 check; no form, no individual's name on the check stub, no reglistration info to tell us who/why/what. I don't know if we're supposed to guess or what, but who sends business checks without at least a SMIDEGEN of information as to what the check is for? Whose membership it's paying. ANYthing. Again "unprofessional" comes to mind at the word of the day.

“Paranoia is heightened awareness.” Can’t find the source of the quote. Have probably used it before. I vaguely attribute it to Paul Krassner but I’m tired and goggle is being uncooperative. I saw it attributed to John Lennon but that’s way off.

While I’m not going to check under the bed to ensure the dust bunnies aren’t wired, and I don’t really think the coffee maker is out to get me and the microwave is snickering at me, I am pretty sure that something vague and blobby IS plotting against me today.