I feel like all I've done in recent weeks/months is whine. Complain, kvetch, find fault, tell about bad stuff.
Much of it is amusing, I think, and hard to believe. Some of it is very cathartic or therapeutic as when I tell people stuff about the convention and i hear "you're KIDDING?!!!. That's really handy since most people have no $#*%$(@ CLUE what it's like and wouldn't believe me if I told them ALL the stories.
Or there are those of you out there who write because you KNOW because you have been thre too and sympathize and OH MAN is that helpful.
some ofyou just write to say "hope all is well, I don't want a THING from you" and that's so appreciated. Thank you.

But still, this is all worrisome because it's one-note and boring and negative. And unlikely to improve - ANY of it - for a while. And right now, as i sit here, half off the fucking chair because it hurts so much, I think I need to stop. I fear boring "my audience", feel like it's enough already. I am NOT saying this to get you to say "oh no, that's okay" I'm really not. I'm just so damn sick and tired of having the same stuff to say.

I was at the orthopedist today. It was my 6 month visit - he likes to check on me to see if thngs are changing and it would have been necessary anyway since I had one doctor advise me last month that I needed surgery on myshoulder. But, not exactly to my surprise,Dr. Sorensen strongly advises AGAINST the surgery, saying it's as likely to do damage as it is to help. NOT that the surgery wouldn't be a good idea but not for ME. So "the good news" is I avoid that post convention shoulder surgery. The bad news is I have a very painful left shoulder to deal with - long term. But he and i are on teh same page: the risk of damaging my shoulder for very little benefit is not good, he says. I need my upper body FAR too much and he doesn't go along with the specialist who does this sort of thing a lot - but not on people like me. With weird diseases/conditions. And that's Dr. Sorensen's speciality - diseases of the weird. He knows that my responses, my body's take on things, that i'm not typical average patient in any way and as such, we have to assess if it's worth it in a different way.

I asked him about everything. The shoulder. The swollen knee and the sciatic pain. Today's x-rays. Walking. Whether there's any point in new tests. How to deal with all the pain. The future.

None of it is good. There was nothing he could offer. I'm taking everything I could already take and there are no new tests, procedures or studies worth doing.

I'm in lots of pain and yes, right now it scares me because it's at the WORST possible time. I don't get pain that lasts like this and this is going on day three or so of the nastiest "I can't get away from it" pain I've had in YEARS. I have LCC in TWO fucking weeks and I can't manage. I can't get a breather. The pain is not psychological or stress-related. Not mostly. Maybe some of it is, but the facts of my physical body are that I have two messed up hips, seriously out of alignment. I have a spine that has been fused, maybe successfully. i have fractures in my pelvis. I have shoulders that are overused and are showing it. So even with NO stress, no convention, i'd be in pain right now.

I know there are worse things- I have a friend who just had surgery for cancer and she lives about 3 blocks away; i've yet to be able to gtet out and go see her. Another very good friend is dealing with radiation right now. I've lived with chronic pain since i was 20 years old. I'm not 53. it does NOT get easier.

somehow I WILL manage and the convention WILL happen I know, but I'm not sure just what won't get done. Something is likely to be overlooked because of my situation.

So I'm going to stop this for at least a while. I think. It's too damn depressing. And if it's depressing ME, what the hell is it doing to anyone out there who can't do shit about it? I don't want this to be the only thing Stu hears every day; as it is he's come home to "convention rant" for DAYS now, as he walks in the door and I tell him the latest rude asshole thing that happened. He deserves better too.

Right now it's back to bed with Terry Pratchett because I can't figure out what else will work and he's mega-distracting and the laughing thing DOES work somewhat.