This is the last in my snarky series of WHAT NOT TO DO. I'm going to finish up thought with a bit of "What TO DO" so that you don't think I'm all THAT toally curmudgeonly. I DO wish to reiterate that the examples I've held out here for you to see are but a SMALL percentage of the wads of correspondence, and only a FEW people out of the hundreds I've dealt with. Many of the examples cited are from other conventions (though yes, most are current) but I do want you7 to undertand also the enormous good ideas, benefits, kindnesses that come from running conveniton program. Let's wrap up, though with the "What nots":

Keeping in mind that I could spend hours giving you names of authors who a) pitch in and work on the convention with no apparent thought to “If I do this it will make me look good” (psst, Meg Chittenden, Donna Andrews) but who do it because they’re people who like to pitch in and they’re real, and people who say “don’t worry about it, I’m fine” and who do all sorts of things to make this job easier, I’m going to offer some suggestions based on experience. Some of this elsewhere but since I still hear it regularly, here it is again.

IF YOU DON’T DO THIS, YOU SHOULD THINK TWICE ABOUT ATTENDING A CONVENTION. YOU SHOULD PROBABLY NOT ATTEND. IT’S NOT FOR YOU. Because no matter how much you hold your breath, or insist, a convention IS A CONVENTION and will not change itself to suit you. As there are hundreds of conferences, writers' meetings, professional events out there, if the convention concept seems odd or unpleasant or uncomfortable to you - if you can't GET it, and still insist on donig program on self-promotion, or insisting on doing three panels, or don't GET why there are no guarantees, you are probably WASTING YOUR TIME AND MONEY and should decide that this "fan-friendly" event, this "for everyone" event, does not suit your image of what it is to be an author.

In general, be KIND to the convention staff people. They are volunteers – never forget that NEVER. DO NOT, REPEAT, DO NOT ASK PEOPLE QUESTIONS THAT YOU CAN EASILY FIND ANSWERS FOR. If you receive email from someone with a convention, and that email has the convention website noted, try GOING THERE AND READING WHAT THERE IS ON THE WEBSITE. I know far too many websites are incomplete and late and may not have what you want. Of COURSE you need to ask specifics. But do you really need to email the convention to ask THE DATES? Could you at least TRY? The website IS there for your convenience. Could you not check the page marked HOTEL to see if it says whether the hotel is full? Rather than email the chair who has written you about something else completely, could you check to see if your needs might be met more easily? As Stu pointed out to me, asking the first person there is part of the “it couldn’t hurt to ask” mentality” But you know what? It CAN hurt. It takes up time that could be better used in other ways, especially as the convention gets closer.

We designed our flyer to be useful, to have easily accessible information on it. The flyer, which we redid like five times (running it by like five people) to ensure that the "CUT HERE AND SEND IN THE BOTTOM HALF” line stood out, had information on the top half. Time after blazing time we got the whole thing back. We deliberately designed (as most con-runners DO) a flyer that would still provide the information you would need. If you saved the "do not send the top half" part, you at least had the dates, the place, the costs. (Even if you weren't up to browsing for the convention website on Google – I know, I know "Snark Snark" but how difficult is that for people? If you're here, though, I'm probably preaching to the "google-literate choir) And we'd get lots of email, usually sent to whomever sent the last email to someone, even if the email read "Membership" or "program". That meant that it went to Cathy who was the web guru and "communications" person), even though the chair, program, membership had separate emails and other communications contained specific contact info. I ended up spending hours “explaining” stuff, which usually meant “repeating/quoting what was on the website registration page, or hotel page". Sure, i could have ignred them but then we'd get a reputation for being rude or I would (which I have already, thank you. There are times I get that - I don't here as I really WAS often OVERLY polite.) And if you CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT ATTENDING LET US KNOW. don't just decide not to come, especially if you're on program. Your decision affects people scheduled before/after you, staff printing stuff up, staff planning your space in the autograph area, dealers and fans bringing your books to sell/get signed. I had emails from people anceling through the weekend - wow. I mean good for them - that was so courteious since I could try to tell folks, notify the moderator of the panel. If you can't so be it, but don't just blow it off - you disappoint people. Maybe there's been a mix-up, a misunderstanding, maybe we can reschedule something. One person's "no show" is not a big deal. It still has ripples.

DON’T WASTE THE TIME OF VOLUNTEERS. That should be a standard NUMBER ONE rule anywhere from hospitals to conventions. Don’t treat a volunteer’s time as less important because she’s not being paid. It’s inconsiderate and often takes up time that the volunteer could use better. And if you think you can answer your own question, try it, PLEASE? “It can’t hurt to ask” still means someone has to answer.

If you think I’m making ANY of this up, every example I cited has happened in the 13 plus years since I started to work on programming for the ’94 Bouchercon.

Now about the good guys. HUGE huge huge lists of appreciation from folks writing to say "this sounds like a fun panel" to folks who wrote saying "I'll be in on Wednesday, how can I help?" Authors and fans saying "sure, I'll take stuff to that convention. Folks who remember that conventions ARE run by volunteers and who FIND them and say "thank you." To the folks who sent email thank yous THE DAY AFTER the convention, and who still are sending them.

And to the authors who have said “I don’t need a panel” and “thank you” and “I appreciate it” and “how can I help?” and “that’s okay, I understand”. NONE of that is necessary - you came and had a good time and that's what matters - but boy is it ever nice.

God bless you every…..ack! sorry. Didn’t mean to go all Tiny Tim on you. But seriously from the bottom of my heart, thank you for getting it. Thank you for making my job easier. Thank you for pitching in. Thank you for helping.