The thing is I seldom feel like what I deal with is “giving in” exactly. Even more to the point, my response over the years has been “so fucking WHAT?” So what if it’s “giving in” to get a handicapped parking permit? So WHAT if it’s giving in when it’s time to sit down even when I don’t want to?

See there’s this mentality – and it’s still out there – that one doesn’t “give in” to one’s disability. That you tough it out, that you fight, that you GO to physical therapy and WORK and EXERCISE and you ACTIVELY DO STUFF and that will save you. That will stop the disability. That will fix things. It’s not fucking TRUE of course, not for tons and ton sna dtons of us. But it’s a fundamental mentality out there. I’ve been having massages for fifteen years. They are the ONLY thing that makes me feel better and my masseuse will tell you how often she used to hear that from physical therapists and doctors, that massage, because it wasn’t “active” was somehow “cheating”. You have to WORK. You have to OVERCOME your disability and you have to show it who’s boss.

Give Me A Break.

I’m here to tell you ladies and gentlemen that it’s not so. Maybe it is for you and what you have, but it is NOT SO for me. And having lived 30 some years with this crap, I do get so very tired of the lectures, the suggestions and the speeches. You see, physical therapy not only doesn’t work for me, but the PT people can’t even agree on the form it should take. If you have muscle pain and problems, stretching and exercise are often good. However, if it’s something with your nerve fibers, they will not respond well. If you have a fracture, using a treadmill will NOT help it to heal. If you have the crap I have with my hips, there is nothing that can fix it – the hip bones protrude into the pelvis folks, okay? That’s not exercise-able. It’s not going to respond to leg lifts. And the new kid on the block is my left shoulder. There is a total lack of a tendon in my shoulder; it’s gone, dissolved, hiding under a rock somewhere. We don’t know where it went but we can guess that it wore away after what, 20 years of cane use? It’s a rotator cuff thing,, which tend to be overuse injuries but it can’t be fixed or exercised back into being. It is gone and I can’t WORK to make it better. It won’t be coming back no matter what I do.

So I don’t give a damn about “giving in”. When I first said “I am disabled” back some 25 plus years ago, it was “giving in” by some definitions and you know what ? I didn’t care really because I was so exhausted. Anyone who’s dealt with pain – and we probably all have – can probably agree that pain is tiring. And to prove somehow that you are tough means dragging yourself around when you needn’t do so. It means walking when you should not walk, parking over there when you should be using the closer space, standing when you should be sitting, going upstairs when you should be staying put. And I was tired, dead tired of all of that. Where is it written and what the hell does it prove? And to whom? (I can’t even get anyone to explain WHY you’re supposed to use a joint that’s arthritic. They say “do it” but not why. Doesn’t using it continue to wear away at the crap that is already eroding? But I digress.)

So here I am. I’ve been dealing with the disability thing since my 20s. I have 2 canes, I I have a manual wheelchair and I have now two motorized scooters. One of them is not usable on days when my hands hurt because the controls are thumb controls and that is stupid design and it SUCKS because using four fingers to pull is far easier and less painful than using one thumb to push. Duh. I have grab bars in the bathroom and I take let’s see, three different kinds of pills just to deal with that part of things every day.

So a couple weekends ago, Stu and I went and bought me a walker. And GOD do I hate that. I don’t hate the walker, it’s a smart move but somehow, it represents a level of disability that I don’t like to deal with. It’s better than the cane which doesn’t help that much anyway. When I do use the cane, it’s bad for the already messed- up shoulder – and no, I can’t use it on the other side,, I’ve tried. I don’t know why but I always switch it ,so there’s got to be a reason. The walker, can’t be anything other than it is. Isn’t that stupid? That’s what I’m somehow having in my head. Like the scooter and the cane CAN BE other than they are? No. In fact I have come close to SMACKING people who suggest that the scooter is not a disability tool or device – and dozens have with their comments about how they sure could use one of them. And the cane is not an affectation. I don’t wear it with my top hat. It’s not a walking stick. It’s a cane because I need help with walking. So WHY is the walker such a… a… a…THING?

Well, it’s not exactly transformable or cool. They have cooler ones than the one I bought but I don’t want the cool one; it’s too much stuff I don’t need and it probably won’t be paid for by medicare – who knows if they’ll pay for this thing anyway. But what I need is ONLY for the house. When I’m out, I use the scooter so I don’t need the fancy walker with the brakes and the seat and the basket. I don’t need that to go from here to the living room. So it’s very basic, metal, ta-da, there you are walker.

We did already play with the handles because they are awful; hard textured plastic which I knew in seconds I would hate. Right now, we have crutch grips on them but that probably won’t last as that makes the grips too wide. The folks who sold us the thing said someone used to make fleece covers which is more like it and we will have to look into that. There are some terrycloth ones but I don’t see that as comfortable on your hands , even good terrycloth. What I need is the stuff that my robe is made of, this absolutely impossible fluffy stuff that I want to live in. But who is the moron who decided that hard plastic is the way to go anyway? Crutches have rubber covers, why would they put this nasty hard stuff on the walker? These grips are not removable so anything that goes over them goes, of necessity OVER and adds thickness. Great thinking, guys, since of course no one who needs a walker has arthritis, especially in their HANDS.

The walker is light and easy to push and makes me feel safer when I didn’t realize I didn’t feel safe. But I hate it. And I can’t figure out how to stop hating it. I hate the way it looks like a metal piece of disability equipment which is just what it is. And what I thought I was totally at ease with. And I don’t think jazzing it up will help. What the hell is my problem?