Today I gave the go-ahead to Clark at the wheelchair place to order my power wheelchair. And I’m having aftershocks. Is that weird? It strikes me as weird. Then it doesn’t. Then it does. I mean I have had months to deal with this reality and I have. Sort of. Pretty much. Mostly. And I’ve talked about it (see 2/15 “Welcome to Bureaucracyland”) so I’ve gotten many of the ducks in a row for a while now.

So why am I still feeling shaky and verging on tears, the way I do after some major big deal thing has happened or some major big deal decision has been decided? I’ve known this day was coming for a long time. If I’m this emotionally wobbly today how the hell am I going to be when I actually take delivery of the thing?

They rejected my appeal so I will be ordering, most likely, the basic chair but it is set up so that should the time come that I can get the tilting seat, we can do that without having to replace the rest of the chair. It’s a Pride Quantum. Pride makes scooters and in fact they made my first scooter, which was a bottom line cheapie, but it worked very well. Barry, my scooter guy who knows lots of things told me when we first discussed this (I didn’t get the chair through him as he does not do Medicare any more) and he said that while Pride’s scooter were lousy (apparently I lucked in on mine which had a reputation as a lemon) they made excellent wheelchairs. I’m deciding on aesthetics right now. Back seat or gray (since tan reportedly shows dirt too easily, but truth is, I wouldn’t want tan anyway) and then the base color. There’s not a lot on a power chair that isn’t black, just a bit under the seat, but it matters. Big time. I will be using this thing from morning to night. It will be my legs. I will not be swapping it to go out and will probably stay in it all the time. In other words, where now I transfer to the restaurant chair or the theater seat, I probably won’t once I have the wheelchair as it will vastly improve my comfort level.

I did ask some friends about color choices – do weigh in if you like. You can see them at http://www.quantumrehab.com/accessories/colors/colors.html and while I cannot be sure all those colors are available, the other resource I found which showed lots of colors, but some are intended for kids’ chairs and I’m not really clear if I could get “pearl pink” if I wanted it . I will not be getting black. I just can’t. Maybe eventually I’ll say “oh the hell with it” and am probably going with “candy apple red” There’s no true purple, no lilac, no lavender no purely real honest-to-purple. I don’t get it but hey, at least it’s not just blush and bashful (ok, obscure movie reference fans, name that film!)

I’m shaky and I’ not sure why. It is a huge decision, yes but it’s one I made some time back. This decision means it will actually exist relatively soon, rather than things just being “I wonder if I’ll be able to…” and “when I get the chair, I’ll…”

I’m alternately serious and goofy about it. I want a cup holder. I want it red. I want to be able to put Powerpuff stickers on it. No I don’t. I want my Flying Spaghetti Monster thingy to stick to it somewhere. I want that sticker I saw and can’t find (I saw it on a chair once but the person was not IN the chair at the time) that reads ”I don’t feel like being stared at today.” And I plan to put my “start seeing wheelchairs” sticker on it.

I think I’m happy. It’s finally at a finite end, a definite “this is going to happen”. But then I feel shaky like “oh shit, it’s real.” Then I’m back to “oh good, it’s real”. The past week I feel like I’ve headed downhill even more than is usual for me, with walking becoming even more ridiculously impossible to accomplish. Of course, wonky weather often makes things nasty, but it’s not just the pain issue. It’s my non-functioning hip joints. But I’m going to end up with a new identity. I’m going to be more than just a disabled woman, I’m going to be a woman in a wheelchair. That is going to be part of me even more than being a disabled woman dependent on various devices and equipment to function. And tomorrow I meet with two of the local members of the Democratic Party about the caucus I attended. And next week I’m meeting someone for lunch downtown. This person who was my contact and best buddy at the Renaissance Hotel for LCC in 2007 has a new job at a different hotel in town. The hotel does not have food services, but is attached to a restaurant which provides all their needs. Except that this person, only in her job for a few weeks realized she did not now if the restaurant was accessible. Stu and I have been by it and noted at least one step at the entrance. A phone call got me the information that “they have a ramp they will put out”. Of course, I had to ask “er um how do you know someone needs it since I can’t get in?” just to make her crazy and she assured me “there’s a big window and I will see you.” This is so NOT how I like going out to eat.

It’s going to be an adjustment. I know that, yeah, yeah. I just wish it weren’t one now when nothing is actually happening.