For those wondering why I haven’t posted ecstatic paragraphs about the new wheelchair, well, thank you for being interested and here’s what’s going on.

The chair, which I had hoped to get on Wednesday, did not come on Wednesday, but I didn’t know that until Wednesday morning when I called to ask and was told that well, Clark hadn’t wanted to send it when he wasn’t sure about the ramp. I admit to being more than a little ticked off as I knew - KNEW – mind you that it would be done and besides, that was a) MY goddam decision and b) not the issue since you could have gotten the chair into my house ramp or no. So I was stuck waiting until it arrived Thursday afternoon.

The chair takes a lot fo getting used to and Im impatient and very very frustrated at that. It’s hard to conrol the frustration right now and I’m having serious emotional meltdowns. There are adjustments to be made to the chair itself – everything from realizing that the headrest works better when you are a normal person who holds her head straight but that I am not – I have serious spinal curvature in myy upper back and have, for years, held my head at an angle. There are other issues to be worked out. The fabric on the back of the chair catches on my shirts and my clothes ride up. This is a constant nuisance and uncomfortable. Minor if you’re in a good mood. Major if you’re as ticked off as I am. Also it’s not the color I wanted. I asked for. I told both Clark AND Mary Lou the color I wanted. This is minor. I know that. It irks the shit out of me because if I hadn’t had a choice, that’s one thing but I DID and I made it clear. And it was ignored or gotten wrong or something. And what, like I’m going to wait for a replacement of that part? Right.

The house is nowhere near ready to be used by someone in a power wheelchair and I am knocking into things, knocking over piles of books and crap, bumping into far too much furniture, and being a general klutz. This contributes to the meltdown tendencies. There’s too much crap in the house to make it easy to turn around and back up and just feel safe and able to function. This continues to be an issue and I’m so exhausted that it will continue to be one for some time as I don’t have the energy to improve things. This has BEEN an issue since January.

When I went out on Wednesday to run a bunch of errands using the scooter, in the neighborhood., the scooter began squeaking. It stopped but then at the last store it wouldn’t stop. The brakes seemed to be acting funny and the loud squeal seemed to indicate something wrong with the brakes. When I backed up and went forward it seemed to help then not then it did then not. I sat in the middle of the friggin Safeway and called Barry the scoter guy and said “I hope I’m not risking anything but I HAVE to get home. This is something like THREE weeks after BOTH scooters failed on me. One was a loose wire, one was a brake. Barry put in a used brake at that time. I was now down to the back-up scooter – the one where we don’t know how long the batteries will last

This morning Barry got here and determined that the brake he’d put in had failed and that the scooter would need a new brake and motor. This will cost several hundred more dollars. This is along with the fact that a week and half ago our television broke. I do not want to manage without a scooter – for one thing, since we don’t have a car or van, doing the shopping, going to the post office with books, etc. buying toilet paper and things can’t be done with just a wheelchair. There’s no place to put it. Despite helpful suggestions, I cannot really hang things off the wheelchair and don’t really want to. I don’t want to risk putting things on the footrest. They will fall off. I’ve lost stuff that way on the scooter and not even known it for blocks.

This morning I went out for coffee. I came home rested for a while then headed back out. As I picked up the keys, I noticed that the house key was sheered off. The head of the key was on the ring. The shank was not. Had I run it over with the wheelchair? Oh gods, was I that stupid?

No. It’s in the bottom lock on the doorknob of our front door. It broke off in the lock.

I’m very tired. I have not slept well all week and have done little except sit around and wait for things to take place. But I’m in gobs of pain, anger, frustration and feeling like one of the world’s stupidest people. I know Im not, but using a joystick to guide a wheelchair just should not be that hard. And it is right now. And I hate hate hate hate hate feeling stupid. Being stressed and tired makes you feel even stupider. This has been a very awful bad terrible crappy week.

I wish to thank in big huge bold letters the four friends who sent/gave me money toward the wonderful wheelchair ramp I now have. It’s really fine and thanks to D, and R, and C and J for their generosity. And to Garry the amazing guy who built it for me. Of course to L without whom I wouldn’t have this wheelchair.

But that’s why you haven’t been hearing from me. it’s not been fun, I’m feeling frustrated, clumsy and stupid and I’m angry about all that. I know it will get better, I do, I really do but right now, that simply does not help. I’m having too many crying fits and tantrums and it simply needs to stop. And I don’t know what it will take for that to happen.

I guess I wasn’t nearly as ready as I thought.