It's one of those books that I'm happy to have found at the public library. Now I know that I didn't waste money. I picked up a small press mystery thinking, no hoping that it would be a find.

After some stunningly bad typos and grammatical screw-ups, and the complete absence of an editorial hand (I don't know if this is a self-publishing outfit or a very very very small press, but they're not doing their authors any favors by the total lack of editorial review) I realized I wasn't going to finish the book. I can, to some extent, ignore screw-ups like those above. It seems unfair to dump someone's work because, well, dammit, on page one a word is misused (and again, a few pages later, the same error shows up) but it's a bad start. Maybe, I told myself over and over, you're the only one who notices errors at this level, maybe you're trying too hard. Most people don't share your utter dislike, your snarky eye-rolling at these examples of bad writing.

So I kept trying. But dammit, wooden dialogue will kill my interest in a book faster than obvious plot holes or lazy characterization, two things I've railed against in the past. Like what?

Like when your protagonist, let's say, calls that guy he calls all the time. Don't write this:

"Hey Joe, is Sam. Sam Johnson."
"Hi Sam. What's up?" (or "What is up?")
"Well, Joe, I was wondering if I could come by your office to discuss the case."
"Sure, Sam. Why don't you stop by this afternoon."
"Very good, Joe. I'll be there later on this afternoon. At 2. I look forward to talking with you then."

You write
"So I called Joe and set up a meet for that afternoon."

Especially because two pages later, you do it again. And five pages later again.

You don't call everyone by his name every time you have a minor conversation. You don't report that conversation when it does not further the plot in anyway. You describe it in a sentence and move on to something constructive.

Don't write this:

"Wall, gol-durn it, I'se just ramblin' around, playin' songs on this here ol' geetar. Jus' a-pickin' and a grinnin'.

No one talks like that. You're taking horribly bad lines from some caricature of 1960s television. It's beyond lazy, it's insulting to the reader and the character you're trying to portray. Try to save your exposition for things that need explaining. Keep it short. Don't take three paragraphs to explain why that part of town is called "the Tenderloin" . Try three snappy sentences. Especially if/when it's a spot you parked your car, and then took the bus to the meet.

If your protagonist eats or drinks something "special", don't mention it every time she takes a mouthful, every meal, or snack. We get it. Don't use dialogue as a substitute for exposition. Creating stereotypes instead of characters is lazy, and your editor should have pointed that out and asked you to work on it so that character was not laughably ridiculous. Addressing characters by their names in every conversation, Sam, makes it feel, Sam, as if you learned to write, Sam, in a class run by a pitchman, Sam, who teaches that this creates a connection with your mark, er potential customer. Sam? It doesn't.

None of what I have quoted here is derived from a specific book. I do have a book here in which these beyond-annoying errors take place. I changed the nature of the complaints because this is a common problem with too damn many books and I didn't want to pick on this one book or author. Sam.

There was clearly no copy-editing done, but I also have to wonder if the author's friends, the author's mom, anyone at all took a look at the manuscript because you cannot, simply cannot, believe that you've published a quality product when a character in your book studies "marshall arts". But most important of all, speak all your dialogue out loud please. I don't care if you think it's goofy, if you could just hear Joe and Sam discuss the latest break in the case, I have to pray that you would realize that people do not talk this way on our planet.

There. I has spoke.