Weeks and weeks ago, I wrote this great blog post and my computer ate it. I usually write in word processing and then cut and paste, but of late,there's been lots of symbols here when I use apostrophes and some such, so I have been typing "direct" into the box and well, not saving the post. Erp. Then I got distrac.....ooooh, ook it's fluffy!....um, distr....soft! squshy!...disTRACted. Let's try again. Hmph.

I am immensely pleased and charmed by the fact that after 21 years together, Stu and do not run out. This is in no way bragging, "look look" it's my expressing surprise at the whole deal. I used to wonder what exactly couples did after years. I didn't have fabulous role models, I admit, but I'm smart enough to look beyond. I guess it didn't occur to me to think about this until I was IN a long-term relationship. But look, my parents divorced when was 12 or 13 and I was oblivious to any problems, and my grandparents? They were together but they communicated, it seemed to me, mostly by bickering. About trivia. They were the "no we got that lamp as an anniversary present/no your sister gave it to you" type of communicators. At least that's how I remember them.

And I am a snob about things like spending time alone. I guess I do believe that you should like yourself well enough to spend time alone and enjoy it. I've done everything in my life from go to the movies alone to go on a four day sailing trip by myself (on the Mystic Whaler, a reproduction that sailed out of Mystic Seaport and oh I adored it. I truly did.) And I did live alone and liked it. Yeah, there were times, but you know, when your favored past-time is reading and books and the printed word, you do better than most, I think. There's always something to read or reread. So I didn't know how other folks did it. And I had - and have - friends who've been together for a long time, but it's not exactly something you can ask about over dinner. Ok, there are folks you could ask but phrasing it is tough. "How do you stand each other after 20 years?" No no no! No one should ever feel defensive, be made to justify how they live together. And of course, each relationships has its ways, its coping mechanisms. Whether it's separate interests, or talking it out a lot, or a big house, or maybe it's never an issue for some folks.

So recently, after several weekends in a row that Stu and I spent together a lot, I realized that oh, wow, we were spending a lot of time together. I hate what we used to call "creeping coupleism" where one person in a couple can't be without the other, or rather it's perceived that way. You walk into a room and are met by all these folks asking where your "other half" (barfy) is.

Stu and I do not do stuff every weekend - I am mostly a fair weather traveller and he's used to my energy and pain issues wrecking plans. He has spent lots of time on his own as well - going to movies he'll like but I won't, as only one example. but what I realized in those weeks, I not only like Stu's company, I like it a lot. I like going places with him. He sees stuff, he's endlessly interesting, he's witty. He makes me laugh. A lot. Still. he's got an enormously great silly, goofy streak and he watches out for me.

That we find conversation almost every day is something that still pleases and surprises me a little. It's not like every day we solve the Unified Field Theory or even come to an understanding of cricket or evangelical Christianity (naming a few things that baffle me, at least). And sure some days it's "what do you think we should make for dinner?" and everyday stuff. We don't have the kids to talk about, or who's taking them to piano or soccer or shopping. We don't have certain things to talk about - I don't talk abut work (since I'm not out in the work world) or the car. We DO talk politics which again, I find surprising and, more to the point, valuable. Talking politics to me often ends up either in total agreement or argument and I like finding middle ground.

But the point I'm aiming at here is that we talk every day, we're with each other daily and I like it. We do not run out. I didn't know people could DO that. And we do it well. There's still so much laughter that we share. There are still days when we ask each other an opinion - does this still look good to which one do you think I should buy to do you think I'd like this book? really? why? Did you see that trailer? Do you think we'l like this movie? no, a little more to the left. Oooo. (Ok, that's not exactly conversation. But come on, find just where it itches?

I've always had a slight twitch about being part of a couple. It's part of the spectrum of feminism that I came from, that I don't want or like the automatics of pairing up, of marrying, of being defined by someone else. I'm not keen on the concept or trappings of marriage. I did get married once and it was a mistake. That isn't why I'm not keen on it now. I was NEVER keen on it. I no longer am clear about my reasoning all those years ago. I know there are lots of good reasons to get married - I just don't get that they apply here.

I never would have thought that after 21 years, it's better. It's SO solid and true and there ARE reasons to laugh almost every day. Wow. I just did not know. And while I occasionally relish the times I go out and do stuff (not errand stuff, social stuff) without Stu, there is no question in my mind and heart that pretty much everything is better when I am with him.

Oh and the subject line. It's from an old Harry Belafonte live album as he's trying to encourage the audience to participate, I think, in singing "Matilda" (other lines include" women over 40" and "Members of Hadassah!")