I spend a lot of my day feeling, well, not quite helpless but unable. I'm unable to do a lot of things. Incapable even. i can't walk more than a few awkward, bent-over lurching kind of steps. Opening jars and cans and reaching stuff and taking it down from shelves is a whole exciting "can she do it ladies and gentlemen?" event. i'm sort of used to it but I spend some portion of every day feeling frustrated.

The worst feeling of all however is feeling helpless. I wrote last year about the terror I felt when the movie theater elevator broke and I was trapped on the 4th floor, albeit "trapped" with my partner and two friends, the theater manager and ultimately four Seattle firefighters. And dozens of people around me. But there was a helpless "I can't get out of here" feeling that made me cry and shake for days after.

Feeling helpless is a horror to me. I simply fucking hate not being able to do something. And it happens all the time. We can't fix things. We can try but from Haitian earthquakes, to friends hurting their toes, we can't fix it. I tend to go at everything thinking "what can I do" and dammit, there's nothing. And I sit here fussing and fuming because there's nothing to be done. Nothing to fix.

A friend died yesterday. There was nothing I could have done. There is nothing I can do. I am useless in this regard right now. Yes, of course, there may be something to do down the line, but right now, all I can do is know that he is gone. Remember, yes, but I can't fix it. I can't make it better. He is gone. Of course I'm angry about it. Don't you get mad when your friends die on you? A good guy is gone and I'm useless and I just hate it. Why can't I fix this? World's stupidest question, I know, but there it is.

The worst feeling, to feel helpless and useless. If only I could....

And you can't.