So, for those keeping score, 2012 is not making a fabulous start. 2011 seems to have sucked universally. But here we are having plowed through January, well on our way to February (hey it's light out until 5! Yippee!) and I have to say it. I'm not impressed.

Can i just tell you why? I know last year was horrible and you who read my blog and my posts and who know me, know that. With the shock of my mother's death in January, the whole year seemed to involving coping and working with that, learning, realizing, dealing (often every badly), finding out what it all was going to mean. My mom and I had, for the most part, a very very good relationship. She was no more perfect than I - impatient, she had rules that you had to guess at and her disappointment could be fierce - but we did well. So from flying back to Connecticut in the middle of the worst winter in recorded blah-blah (I think) and dealing with all that entailed, going back in June to deal with the condo as best we could (my sister doing the massive lion's share of the work), dealing the surprise of a trust fund, the estate, well. it was a hard ahrd year. Stu flew to Florida three times and his parents had to give up their place and move into assisted living. It's so reassuring to know they are there, but it was so hard for his mom to accept the reality of it.

We made room for some fun, but the theme of last year was well, Mom died.

The new year? Yeah, I know, pretty arbitrary, but once the first anniversary of Mom's death came - after dealing with all the landmarks, rituals, dates. AT least there is some feeling of thinks easing to a close. So better, yeah?

Scuze me but oh fuck no.

I went to the doctor to discuss trying to treat my insomnia. She surmised that the insomnia was not the result, but a part of my depression. She was right. i started on two medications for both insomnia and depression which are working well. I should've realized earlier. So okay, I got it now.

Oh January 13, Stu and I went to dinner. I took a small framed photo of my mom with us. that as the day she died, and having a good meal, which she would have appreciated, figuring out what charitable donation to make in her memory was a good way to spend that evening. After dinner, we puked around the little shopping area near the restaurant down at Greenlake. We went into a new cake/cupcake bakery and I bought four "gourmet" cupcakes. The next morning as i went to get my wallet for something, i realized i did not have it. I had lost the canvas pouch in which I carry my checkbook, credit cards and wallet and money. I had $50 in the wallet for dinner, but had ended up not spending it (okay except for the cupcakes.) Brain freeze. Stop breathing. Where? How? Stu throws on his jacket and walks our route. We'd walked/rolled home from the bakery on Friday night and despite it growing dark, he took every step back to the last time I had the po8uch. Gone. Gone fucking gone.

that was Jan. 14. Jan 16 was a federal holiday. We discussed "what would YOU do?" and thought maybe you cuold mail it back to the person who lost it (minus the money even.) my checks did not have a phone number on them (they do now, eys) But we know we'd return it. When nothing showed up about Tuesday, i started making the dreaded calls. We froze what we had to at my bank. New stuff was to be sent "overnight" to me.

Then it snowed. The overnight UPS package, due Wednesday, showed up the following Monday. i was housebound, unable to get up the ramp and even if i could have, to what? The sidewalks were impassible, the streets the same.

At some point, i got hit with a mild norovirus that had me vomiting (with my back? Oy is that not fun!) And had me splat tired for about 3 days.

then came the magic moment when i leaned down to pick up a tissue and when I sat back up, I almost screamed. Something happened to my shoulder, something TERRIBLE. Getting to the doctor was impossible. 911 and an ambulance to the emergency room was possible but oh when you hurt that bad? My gods you don't want to leave your bolthole. For two hours, Stu and I tried everything we could, calling the doctor, using hot, cold, pills, until finally it calmed down. Since Jan. 17, i've spoken to two nurses, the doctor, I've had let's see, three doctor's appointments with another this week. I had x-rays taken. You see, after the pain became bearable, the next day, my chest was covered in huge creepy red purple bruises. The pain had been in back, but I looked like I'd hit the steering wheel after being rear-ended. Horrible. Not really painful but u-g-l-y? Eu!

It's February wha, 4? The bruising is gone from the original spot, but it migrated. Enough to worry my doctor who sent me to a hematologist this week. i'm okay, truly but we would like to know more of what happened.

I did not break y shoulder, nor did i dislocate it (I wondered if I might have partly dislocated it, the pain was that severe. It was, on the pain scale of 1 to 10, an 11. First time in my life I have said that. It is possible that I tore a muscle. It is also possible that the damaged left rotator cuff finally gave up. I have, according to the report NO left rotator cuff. Last I knew, I had lost one part of it. it's now totally gone. Maybe it snapped and let go. We don't know. I'm off one medication that I've taken for decades to minimize the whole bleeding/bruising thing.

I also learned that I had two heretofore unknown rib fractures. I have also learned that since I was last weighed and measured, I have lost about 12 to 15 pounds. And I've lost 2 more inches in height, even drawing myself up as best as I can (my hips don't really support me) and I'm now just under 5 feet. I sorta knew this but hearing it was really upsetting. Standing is difficult for me and not being able to reach stuff is a huge frustration.

I won't even tell you that I lost my replacement debit card already. Or that breathing can hurt in the middle of the night - lying down ON my back seems to help - maybe the rib fracture is to blame? But I'm often awake at 3 am. The sleeping draught (sorry I just had to say that) does help though, and I get back to sleep once the pain eases.

I would like a pair of futuristic glasses - you know the ones with the readouts that we all read about in various science fiction novels? Where you get a crawl of info on your helmet's face plate, or your glasses? I just need one that says"don't twist", since every time I go to pick that book up on the bed, well....you get the point.

I just wanted you to know.