Many of you, as I seem to find myself saying a lot, will know this stuff. It will seem familiar. Basic Disability Etiquette 101, which you know, or you've learned from years of living in Berkeley, or being around disabled folks, working on conventions or political events or concerts, or just because you like knowing stuff. I thought it worth writing up because some of this is new even to me: new because I haven't dealt with this until recently, new because I'm out seven days a week, new because I'm now one of the Tribe.

So, you wanna be cool? You wanna show you get it? Here. I'm going with every single damn thing I've ever seen, experienced or heard. There may be a part two.

First and most important? NO JOKES. Friend or stranger, do not make jokes about my wheelchair. Jokes about speeding tickets - mostly from utter strangers - are as welcome as basketball and weather jokes to tall folks.

Pause here to remember the late wonderful Andrew Brown. Andrew, when we met him was a young Australian fan. As I recall, his father was visiting UC Berkeley on Sabbatical or a trade agreement, and Andrew found The Other Change of Hobbit. Andrew, you see, was (cue music) One of Us. A science fiction fan.

And whoo boy, was he tall. Six ten as I recall. He would have been over seven feet tall but they'd done some sort of icky surgery to stop him from growing.

When he appeared before us, a young, skinny, blond, instantly likable kid, we tried really hard to be cool. And we probably were but inevitably, someone had to ask him about playing basketball. And again, as I recall it, he showed up the next day, or maybe week, or something, at OCH wearing a tired, very worn tee shirt that read "I ABSOLUTELY DETEST BASKETBALL". He was ours. We loved him. (There are more Andrew stories but maybe later.)

Okay, back to our lessons. Never ever, but never comment to a person using a scooter or chair anything like "gee, I could use one of those". "I wish I had one of those". If you seriously wish to discuss the topic, you might say something like "my doctor thinks I should get a scooter. Can I ask you about yours?" but never EVER make the joke that implies that I use the wheelchair because I am tired. Or lazy. Never. That is simply disgusting, unfunny and rude. And yes, this happens. A lot. I've heard it from a woman riding her bicycle down the street next to me. No kidding.

Please do not inform someone getting on a bus what a "good driver" she is. Did I ask? Do you think I don't know how I steer? Do I know you? Do you say similar things to other bus users? Of course you don't. There is nothing okay about this. Yeah, yeah, you're trying to connect with me. Please don't.

Do not touch someone's wheelchair. Ask. Think of any assistive device as far more than a tool. It is for many. For me? It's my legs. Sure, you, my friend, you touch me. But touching the chair? I can't feel where your hand is. I don't see where you are behind me and I move my chair constantly.

Oh yeah, and I can't see your dog. Am I going to roll over the leash? Is he going to shove his nose into my lap? Is she likely to jump, hitting the chair controls? It's not okay to assume that just because your dog is"friendly" that I am friendly. I need my personal space. And I don't need to roll over your dog's tail. That would be bad.

Do not try to sidle by a scooter or chair. Your belly, your belt, your jacket will hit my controls and move the wheelchair. BAD IDEA. Just wait, okay? Ask if you can get by, let me move to the side, or turn off the chair. You can see why, right?

If you can sit down when you are talking to a wheelchair or scooter user, please do. It's better for both of us. I actually suffered a severe shoulder spasm a few years back at a convention from constantly looking up to talk to people. If you can crouch, great, but I will worry about your knees. And if you get up. And again, you don't wanna be grabbing my chair without permission. While it's on.

Thus ends the first lesson. Next time, either I'll try to lighten up or (cue music again) we'll talk about The Dreaded Bus Ride.