I've been managing pretty well. I have, haven't I? Really, I know I have. With help from an amazing range of resources, I've gotten through the past year of dealing with my beloved's serious stroke and have, until recently, done pretty well.

I've listened and I've behaved. Really I have. Taken those vitamins, eaten, slept, tried to do stuff that was enjoyable. I've had ridiculous amounts of help along the way.

And then I went splat. I [fill in the appropriate tired old thingy here] fell apart, got sick, hit the wall, tipped over. camel's backs and straw, you name it, whatever works.

Yesterday, I spent several hours in the Emergency Department of my local community hospital. They're damn good, taken care of me before when I developed The Mystery Malady. This should not have happened, dammit. I mean it. I had consulted twice in two weeks with my doctor's office staff, had tests, had more tests. I was feeling lousy with hot and cold running weird symptoms. They went away. They came back. My tests were, happily, negative or in normal range. The nasty symptoms came back. And some time Wednesday night, they decided that I was not going to escape this time.

Please note that I AM OKAY. I AM. Mostly. Sorta. I still am having nasty, but diminished symptoms that - here's a surprise - probably are, yes, dammit, stress-related. The OKAY part is big though. I've been thoroughly checked out, and I continue to consult with my doctor (will see her next week). The major issue, which concerned all was my heart. Hearts don't like ongoing stress. While there is no serious heart stuff in my family, I've been checked and checked. I will pursue this, promise.

But whoo, boy, I got scared. I could not eat nor sleep and I was dealing with everything from cold sweats, to rapid heartbeat to lethargy. When it would not ease after like 36 hours, I called for help. And as reluctant as I was to think I needed to go to the hospital, I went and was treated well, treated seriously, listened to and taken care of.

So, um, I write this for three reasons. Okay, four. One is to apologize to any/everyone who recently helped me out wonderfully, brilliantly. I haven't written to thank you. I will. I owe you that much. Ten (at least) of you made my life so much easier by helping me out last weekend. I'm still shaking my head at what you did for me, for us.

Reason two. Thank you for pushing me to take care of some very specific things. Most especially to Marti Dell and to Jane Hawkins. Marti, I have found the right lawyer thanks to you. And Jane? Well, hell. You took care of me. You did everything I could have asked and more and you got me to the hospital, convincing me to go. It was so the right move. I'll never be able to repay all the kindness and care. Workin' on it, though.

Reason three. I have to find ways to deal with the stresses in my life. As I sit here, typing, my heart rate is a bit fast. My pulse is fine and I am being very very cautious. But I am having to deal with not just Stu but more. Stu is the love of my life. He is recovering. He is strong, and he is present and he and I will be okay. But I have to deal with maybe visiting less, or for fewer hours, or finding a way for it not to take so long to get to him every day. This will take work. I cannot decide it without his input and frankly, Stu had a shitty August, having the shunt repaired twice, which meant two hospitalizations, two surgeries and he hasn't talked in weeks. We tried today. He wasn't ready. But he IS off the vent which is major. He counts on me, as I do on him. This is two ways. I told him today. He makes me strong.

Reason four. The stress that I have not discussed, which some of you know is that we must find a new place to live. I don't feel okay writing the details here, but after being in one place since 1990, things are no longer okay and we have to move. This is pretty near terrifying stuff for me. I'm currently living alone, a 60 year old woman who uses a power wheelchair. I need ADA compliant housing. It's time. And you wanna know what sends my heart rate gonzo? That does.

So now you know. I don't know how much more to ask of my friends, but if you're still willing, Stu and I need a new address. I cannot speak for what he will require. But just know that I'm not able to stand or walk much anymore, so the ADA stuff is for real and necessary. I hate it but it's not going to change.

I cannot imagine - I've said it over and over - cannot imagine getting through the last year plus without the support of our amazing friends and community. I would have fallen apart over and over and over by now.

And so to bed.