Today, I'm trying to deal with anger. Rage actually. I'm really mad.

I've been feeling very weird that I've not cried, not like I would have expected, since Stu died. I've had moments of tears, but it's been like this since he had the stroke in 2012. I have somehow put sobbing aside. And I'm a BIG crier. Oh, yeah.

All feelings are okay. I know this. Everyone deals in a very different way. Something that will set off one person won't bother another. Insert platitude/cliche/truth here. It IS true. That usually doesn't help. Little does, does it?

Today, I'm angry. Not with Stu. I can't be. It would make sense that I would be mad at him for leaving me, but I knew him. If he had any way of deciding, he would not have left me, not unless it was just too damn much. I talked with him about this, over and over, since the fall and the last hospitalization. I asked him not to leave me, please to try to come back, at least so we could communicate, so he could squeeze my hand. I wanted him around. He knew that. I talked incessantly about the future and how sweet it was going to be, how rich, pretty simple probably, but nice.

No, I'm raging at....well, nothing. There's nothing to aim at. I'm just angry. I want him back. I want Stu back. That's what keeps running through my head and it will not stop. I can distract myself for a while, and then it returns. The pain I've been feeling swamps me.

This will pass. I am clear on that. It doesn't help very much. I want so much to manage, to be reasonable, to cope. And I know I am. And I know how often that will break down, and break me into pieces.

There's a line I keep hearing in my head from "The Big Chill" where at the funeral, the pastor/religious dude says "And I don't know what to do with my anger." This feeling isn't unique. And it will pass. But shit. It hurts.