There were a couple of wonderful things that happened in April.

The rest was dismal and went downhill from there.

Why I'm especially blue: Ongoing physical issues with my body, most specificalliy my left shoulder and arm. These cannot be fixed, repaired, replaced, improved. I am facing increasing limitations and cannot push through to the other side. This is not a case of "use it or lose it'. This is not a case of "no pain, no gain". In fact I'm going to suggest here that anyone suggesting that to me will earn my deepest disdain. Please don't "help" with advice. I'm not doing this on my own, but have spent a lot of time with experts who know me.

This is hard to hear, for me, for anyone. But the fact is that no, exercise will not help. No using, stretching, stressing will cause damage that is not okay. I only have two shoulders. One is in very bad shape. The other is okay, but it must stay that way for the future, because I need my upper body. It's bad and it's not going to get better. What this means, practically speaking is that I need to only do what I must to keep going. I cannot do what I want to do that makes me feel independent; I need to protect what little I have so I can stay independent.

So, for example, yes, getting in someone to clean for me is already a plus (finally found someone smart and reliable). It means that I will be asking her to do things I had hoped not to ask: I had hoped to do more. Bad idea.

It means that I am going to dump most of what is in my kitchen because I am no longer going to hope to cook. It's been a nasty blow to me for quite a while and I had hoped that once Stu got home, we could cook together, or with help. I've not cooked a meal in some time and I'm not going to be able to from here on. It involves basics like standing, like lifting, like pushing, like you name it. So most of my kitchen stuff is up for grabs.

It means I am probably not going to go for a driver's license as I don't think I'm strong enough or limber enough to drive properly.

Add to that a seriously nasty bout of really annoyed bowel syndrome which has eased, but is still flaring. Add to that a pain in my lower jaw which scared the heck out of me but which is probably inflammation I brought on myself by doing something clever, but which ended badly. It still hurts, although far less than it did but it's just another thing to make me feel incompetent, helpless and isolated (some of that is merely because my doctors and where I live aren't as convenient as they used to was.)

I'm still trying to go out in the world but that continues to be really exhausting as well. I did get to Pike Place Market last week and had some good things happen. But it was too much and I slept for like five hours when we got back. I won't be participating in exercise class any longer and am just so damn glad I have the public library to lean on.

I have wanted to write this all for several days but I was having serious computer issues. Those got resolved with the help of several friends and my saying "oh what the hell, let me try this phone number". Which worked. The laptop is much healthier and I have my link to the world back. I hate putting it that way, but when things are this hard for me, sleep is good and talk is not.

Thanks to anyone and everyone who has stayed by me, with me, been in touch. It's a bummer, it's depressing and hey, life wasn't exactly peachy before this month, was it?

I so appreciate the time spent over food, emails and conversations when I can do it. My wonderful friend Lisa - LJP you so so so so so rock - and you kept me going for days.

And just when I needed it the most, Skin Horse by Shaenon K Garrity came through. I still miss Artie (he's packed away somewhere) but this will do.