Last Saturday was scary. It was June 13. In 2012, Stu had a stroke on June 13. For the last couple of years, it was a time to take stock, look at recovery, remember (or try not to whenever possible, since certain memories make me want to screech in pain and horror). This year, however, I found myself looking back and thinking obsessive thoughts about "this was the last 'normal' day Stu had" and "we didn't know and boy we shoulda done all this stuff but we didn't know". Bad, stupid thinking but it's what I thunk. (I found myself muttering "Stupid stupid rat creatures" more than once. It's from the comic BONE which Stu introduced me to.)

I wanted to distract myself, knowing full well that it would not work. It would for a while, I mean, but I live here in my head and my head is full of missing, and might have beens and sads and regrets and wondering and lonely.

So here's what I did other than going to the drugstore and playing in the dirt. I went through piles and piles of fanzines. One of many boxes of Stu's zines (thank you for schlepping it here, Jerry). Hundreds of zines, thousands of zines, millions and millions and millions....okay, dozens of fanzines. The major reason to do this is not "get this stuff off the floor". That is a side benefit- well sort of since it still has to go somewhere. The main reason to do this is to go through and find Stu Shiffman artwork. That project is very, very slowly coming together. It will still take a lot of time. But I have on my computer here, three files of scanned Stu Art. The idea is to have an archive of all his work, to ensure it is safe and saved, to be able to provide to people who have asked for copies of his work (which we're thinking of putting on disks or drives). Right now, I am paying the lovely and talented Alex
Bear (hire this woman! http://www.constellationediting.com) to scan everything for me since I cannot do this at all. It has already paid wonderfully, allowing me to send artwork to Randy Byers for a couple different projects and to Guy Lillian for the Worldcon program book.

I've ranted on and on about words or phrases I never want to hear again: three favorites have been "roller coaster", "set-back" and "baby steps". One that I'm coming up against a lot and I want to hate but it's simply too useful is "bittersweet". I said months ago that the only thing that brings me joy is looking at Stu's artwork. That's pretty much still true. We're talking illustrations from the 70s, 80s and 90s right now. We're talking publications by friends long gone. Seeing names flash by - those who are no longer with us like Susan Wood- and names like Dalroy Ward (who married my best friend, Edie Williams, from college has anyone heard anything from them ever? Last I knew, they were in Columbia, Maryland). And folks I have met only because of the internet, like Al Sirois. Bittersweet. Stu was so funny and so talented and so amusing and such a scholar and so witty and such fun. Bittersweet. i know I'm lucky to have all this but if you think it helps me? I ended up, I end up missing him more. I have so many questions to ask him and stuff to read to him and oh.

One Damn This Is So Annoying is that yes, my shoulders whined at me. Repetitive, though trivial, movement of flipping hundreds of pages. I was careful, but I still had to stop before I was ready to stop. At the moment, I have gotten through that one box, sorting out anything with any work by Stu. Maybe what, 20 percent of the stuff that was in that box? So I gotta repack the box, put aside the precious stack of finds for Alex's next visit, and figure out where the box, carefully labeled can now go. And move on to the next box. Carefully.

This week marks our wedding anniversary. A friend died from cancer yesterday. Next week marks the solstice, and I haven't taken enough advantage of the light of the sun. I have lived alone and was seldom lonely. Iam living alone now and know how to do it but I've realized that yeah, I am lonely. There can be no other way to be. Taking stock of Stu's artwork is both wonderful and painfully hard. Taking stock of the last year - this time last year I was having to tell Stu every day that "no, not today" because his time sense was totally screwed up and every day he thought was the wedding.

That's all I had to say right now. I was trying to come up with a great wrap-up/conclusion. It's not there. So, thanks very much for listening.