Many of you have never seen me. Many of you have known me for years, but may only be vaguely aware of things that have changed in my life. Since it's become a big issue this week - my being disabled and how much I hate not doing what I want to do - I thought it might be time for an update on What The Heck is Wrong with Andi.

Twenty years ago, I started calling it the "mystery malady of the 90s" then, as we went into the second decade, that got shortened. Twenty some years ago, I showed up at a doctor's office to follow-up on how my hands were doing. Complaining of a severe pain in my groin, I was sent for x-ray and when I returned to the office the doctor asked me when I had broken my hip. Well, dammit, of course I hadn't. Except there was a clear fracture. Crutches, x-rays, more tests, more fractures, more bafflement. Tests to top labs, bone biopsy, more bafflement. No, nada, no resolution. None. Twenty plus years later, I still have fractures that show up on x-ray. Seriously, yes.

It's 2015. Since I was a kid, I've had scoliosis. It's pretty major. I had foot surgery at 13, and two spinal surgeries in 1974 and then 1980. The fusions apparently took and then dissolved. Seriously, yes.

I do not have osteogenesis imperfecta. My tests are all "within normal limits". I went from crutches to cane to walker to scooter to wheelchair. To reclining power wheelchair. X-rays still show existing fractures in my hips and pelvis. They do not heal. Seriously, yes.

I have crappy hips. My hip sockets are too shallow for my hip bones. I have "protrusio acetabular" if you feel like looking it up.

I have crappy knees. My kneecaps do not set straight on my kneepad, where they should.

I have crappy shoulders. One rotator cuff is pretty much gone, "ruptured" and as it is on my dominant side - my left - I am pretty limited. i can no longer raise my left arm even to shoulder height.

I have crappy hands. My thumbs are basically sneaking under the palms of my hands, pulled in. I've lost a lot of hand strength.

i can only stand for very short periods of time. This was always a problem and has gotten worse.

I can only walk a few lurching steps. I can get there but it ain't pretty.

I can sit but I need to adjust my position a lot. This, see above, is why the fancy-schmancy reclining wheelchair. It's a year old. It is an expensive, designed only for me, tilt-in-space wheelchair. There is not a loaner or another one exactly like it, as it was designed for someone with my issues, my size, my height. The headrest on the chair is way off at an angle, because I am not straight up and down.

I am under 5 feet tall. At my tallest (even without heels which I never could wear - even post foot surgery) I was maybe 5'6" on a good day. That went some years ago down to 5'3" and I am now 4'11". This matters.

I use a wheelchair. It's not a "cart" nor a "scooter" I do still own and use a motorized scooter when, for example I go shopping. I am incapable of driving the wheelchair when there is stuff hanging off of it. The scooter has a backpack, basket and floor on which to put 6 packs, cases, flats of stuff.

I do not have a car or van and will not be acquiring one. I have not had an active driver's license in decades although Stu and I both did once upon a. Given how I've deteriorated, on consulting with medical experts, I realized I cannot handle driving. It's turning my head, it's reacting and hitting the brake, it's sitting in a possibly ill-designed (for me) car seat.

Everything is tiring. You wouldn't think that sitting in a chair that has a motor would be tiring. Frustratingly so, it is. Big time. For years, I've whined about how "I didn't do anything" and yet, I've been exhausted. And that's with the tailor-made, good back support, put your feet up and sit back expensive wheelchair. When the chair has been in for repair, I've had to rely on my scooter. They don't have "loaner" power wheelchairs, especially made to individual specs and with left-hand control.

I am on heavy-duty pain medication. It works fabulously well. Without it, I'd be at the very least "bedridden" or housebound. As it is, the medication is how I manage to have a life. I don't appreciate jokes about any jackass who has gotten addicted to what I take. There are countless studies of how narcotic medication does not mean that those with chronic pain get addicted. But I still hear it. I am not on the big trendy wonder-drug. We tried it. It did not work well for me. I am on something that would knock most people flat on their asses for hours. It works for me. Period. I will be on something like it for the rest of my life. Seriously, yes.

I am not "a candidate for surgery". I cannot opt for knee replacements, hip replacements, thumb surgery, shoulder surgery. I do not heal well, apparently, and the risk of permanent damage or weakening is too much with us. I cannot afford the risk. This is the opinion of all sorts of doctors and other professionals and me.

So long story long, this is an explanation of why i won't be at Worldcon this year. It's not just about how I sit but for how long. It's not just about how long I am on transportation but it's also about "can I recline?", can I move around?" There's probably lots more to tell you but I'm wearing out and I can see your eyes glazing over, those of you who've stuck it out until the end.

Oh, yeah, and I'm seriously depressed. Did I mention? And it's not because of the chronic pain, which I've lived with for over 40 years of my life. It's because I lost the love of my life who, as I've said over and over, made everything easier and everything better.