I really wanted to write a long thank you message to folks for putting up with,helping me through, watching out for me in 2015. I'm frankly terrified of naming names because someone will get hurt and that's not right. It's not a competition, but I just am not cut out to do things the right way right now.

I've probably angered, annoyed, peeved offended and insulted - without meaning to - too many people this year because this has been a awful year, one where I can barely remember good stuff happening. I'm aware that it happened, but well, folks, a year ago I posted how scared I was of 2015. I had my reasons.

I still cannot seem to make phone calls. I cannot always answer the phone. I am dealing with depression in every way possible but it is overwhelming. I am apparently rude because i tell people "please don't send hugs or sympathies, they don't help",but they don't. And i worry that I will miss thanking someone for something anyway.

I got past the first year, the first anniversary of stuff. Rumor has it that it gets easier. I hope rumor is right. I have no clear memory of what I was doing a year ago. Stu's death and my continuing physical deterioration are what's going on. So, it gets easier, huh? I sure in shit hope so.

Thank you to friends who have not given up on me. I am a hassle and a half to deal with. I might appear to be managing, and some days i do manage,but then I don't. I wish to hell I could report lights at ends of tunnels but nope. Mutter here about oncoming trains.

To Ellen, Luke, Gary, Kier, Randolph, Tamara, Jay. Thank you for not giving up in defeat. To Marti, Leslie, Beth, Randy, Kij, Dianna, Laurie, Starshadow, Beth, Debbie, Rachel, Laurie, Tamzen, LJP, Jean, Wendy, Patti, Terry, Lia, Astrid, Pat Judy, Ana, KJ, Shaz, Steve, Sarah, Alma, Madeleine, Theo, Rob, Terri, John, Dave, Ulrika, Roberta, Meag, SJ, Avedon, Patricia, Marta, Felicia, Graham, Keith, JJ, Jane, Susan and Janet. My Life - as the lyric goes - would SUCK without you. Priscilla, Betty, Karen, thank you for the support and strength.

I know I've left out another 40 people. I am sorry. I wish I'd seen a lot more of you this year but sometimes managing email or instant messaging or something is all I can do. Usually,not sometimes.

To Michael Vander Does, Richard Castagno, Elizabeth Lynn, and Patricia Shechter, thank you for carrying me this last year.

I'm sure I'll be back with more names. This isn't enough but it is heartfelt. You kept me from the edge.