I never even pretended to understand the superficially esoteric jargon of racetrack betting...until my horse WON.

I broke down and for the first time in my life, bet on a horse. I put a whole, hard-earned dollar (nevermind that it wasn't my OWN hard-earned dollar since, hullo, I don't have an income at the moment)on Positively Wild to place. His odds were 8-1 and he pulled a major Seabiscuit--he surged from the middle of the pack to beat the odds-on favorite by a nose. I won a respectable sum of three dollars, and went right on ahead and spent it in a truly responsible way--handed it right back to the pari-mutuel.

Now I will share my secret to success. Instead of breaking down the odds and placing a fancy bet on an exacta, trifecta, superfecta, fourfecta bull$h!t, I go with the highly scientific, highly profitable method of picking the horse that I think has the coolest name.

Among notables--Why Why Why, Nice Assay, Chasin' Wimmin and Truebreadpudding.

I perfected this method in practice during the summer I worked at Saratoga. I managed to weasel a free odds book from someone everyday. I'd scan through the book and circle all of the funkiest or quirkiest horse names. At race time, I'd put all my play money on that one! I won some, I lost some...but in the end I came to the conclusion that the odds were no worse than trying to play that needlessly confusing and hopelessly addicting game of doctored chance. You could "fecta" yourself into a tizzy and could seriously injure yourself!

So next time you entertain the idea of winning big at the track...don't even think about picking the horse with the biggest jockey! Odds don't mean $h!t--it's all in the name...