I'm not saying this happened to anyone you or I know. I might have seen it in an old "I Love Lucy" episode.
You know the one from this morning where she's running behind for a dental cleaning she's already missed twice? The one where the ever-perky hygenist shows a really nasty bent at each reschedule.
Remember the storyline? It's winter and she can't find her boots, and time is escaping like Harry Houdini. She remembers she left her boots at the office and slides quickly into a pair of wedge heels with an open back that will go nicely with her skirt.
Picture the agony as she discovers she has to step through a snow bank to get to her car. The trip to the dentist isn't long enough to warm her feet and raw shins despite the heater turned full blast toward her toes and the windows fogging.
Of course, the only available meter requires scaling an ice Everest plowed up to the neck of the meter to get the quarters in place. Three of the eight quarters she has miss the mark and slide down the other side into icy obliviom.
Her cell phone is ringing as she runs into the building on blue feet (did I say Lucy had a cell phone? I meant Ethel yelled from a nearby window that she was late and the hygenist was not happy.)
Despite the best efforts of Pick Axe Paula, the deep digging hygenist, she feels no pain in the cleaning. She can think of nothing but the slowburning thaw in her feet.
With the meter nearly run out and a meter cop just down the street she plots her snowbank free route to the car on the street from the building doorway. The lights are with her, she's got a good 10 yards on the cop and her hand on the door when - a small tsunami of ice and slush is sprayed up her leg by a car passing just a little too closely. The pain now extends to mid thigh through the skirt.
She stays in for lunch. She thinks about staying in for the week, but the office is not particularly comfortable and she will miss Charlie and the animals ( scratch that, Ricky and Little Ricky).
Later that afternoon, she is warm and dry when she notices the large dried road grime stains marking her left side. She has an annual meeting dinner to attend for a board on which she serves in just a few hours. The black skirt wipes clean, but the hose...
It's after hours and there is a hand drying blower in the ladies room. She rinses the hose in the sink and hits the blower... instantly both legs inflate and elongate. A skilled clown could make dozens of balloon animals out of the ever-lengthening poly fiber. By the time she turns the machine off, the left leg is approzximately her full body height.
As she slides the hose back on, she notices they are not dry. When she gets outside and sees steam rising from her body as the cold air hits her wet legs she tries to walk through the parking garage as if she doesn't look like a science fair experiment gone very bad.
As she turn the engine over, she realizes that she again left her boots in the office, but she's late for the dinner...
They just don't make those sitcoms like they used to.


Copyright 2007 Judi Griggs