My grandmother died early this morning. She was at least 95, but no one seemed to know her exact age.

She had been living at an assisted living facility for about 5 years. She had extra care, much of the time (daily during the day but I think she was alone at night).

Mentally she had good days and bad but the good days were few and even good was relative. The bad days were common and unpleasant for those around her.

It was tough for me because I wanted LB to remember her how she was when he was younger and happy to see him and with enough faculties that she knew him and enjoyed being around him (she always hoarded food in her room and always had a banana to give him when we visited). For that reason we had not gone to visit for quite some time. The last time we visited her she accused me of visiting the facility just a few days prior and not even saying hi to her at all. It was unpleasant and sad. I sometimes feel guilty about not visiting, but am also happier to preserve her in my mind how she was instead of how she became towards the end.

The last time we saw her was for Thanksgiving at my aunt's house and she asked if we lived there too. Apparently, when she was back home, all she spoke about for days was the amount of money that my aunt must have spent putting on this dinner.

I know that my grandmother is better off now, yet I still feel sad about her passing. I'm relieved that all of the people who put so much time into caring for her and dealing with her have had that great burden removed. And it was a huge burden, especially on my aunt who bore the brunt of the care and the abuse that she dished out. I'm glad that my grandmother's body has finally followed her mental "body" which failed her years ago. But I am also sad to have lost my grandmother, she is by far my longest lived grandparent; we lost my mom's parents when I was in high school and early college, and my father's father died before my parents even met.

We were going to go to the hospital later today to visit her, as we were told that the end was likely near when she went into the hospital. Now, instead we will be saying our goodbyes at the funeral.

For my grandmother, I only have to say that I hope she is happier in death than she often seemed in life.