What ho fellow earthlings and a Merry New Year to you and your fellow drones!

There is much to look forward to this novum annum, and a great deal to cheer us up, so here goes with Bobius Predictiones Mirabilem for the year 2004.

First and foremost there will be 366 days this year, one extra to make up for all the time lost queing in airports waiting for security checks to prevent terrorists taking over an aeroplane and repeating 9/11. The more security checks the fewer people will fly, especially to the USA, so look for the resurgence of the transatlantic packet steamer.

Secondly Osama will still be running around at the end of 2004 just as mad as he is at the beginning of it. Nobody will catch him, because nobody is looking in the right places. Let's face it, where is the best place to hide a carrot? That's right, in a field of carrots.

Thirdly Saddam will never get to a trial but he will be interviewed on prime-time TV.

Fourthly Mr Bush will not get re-elected, not because he either should or shouldn't be for the war in Iraq and not catching Bin Laden, but because Americans will decide that they want a President who can win the war on terror which so far he shows no signs of doing.

Fifthly 2004 will see the launch of a new world order based solely on safe tourism. If you can't go there on holiday then it gets taken out, taken over or taken down. Look out for massive rises in hotel shares, with Hilton, HoJo and Ramada each acquiring their own private armies and stealth bombers.

Sixthly, unfortunately for the Muslims, its going to be a tough year, wherever they are. This is sad but virtually inevitable since they seem largely unwilling or incapable of moving into the third millenium along with the rest of us determined hedonists. As long as they are seen to be either active or passive supporters of terrorism, they are going to find it rather difficult to get dinner invitations.

Seventhly, we are going to find life on Mars in the form of very large sand worms. If life's a beach, then Mars is the mother of all beaches, so watch out for the first hotel chain to get a concession there. All it needs is some water, or at least enough for a swimming pool.

Eighth, and this is a rank outsider, scientists will discover in 2004 that the human race is not alone in the universe, that the truth is out there and that the whole planet is actually an inter-galactic soap opera beamed across the universe for the amusement of a billion sentient races with a highly developed sense of humour. It might be a little humiliating to discover exactly where we stand in the ratings, but dont worry, the script writers have a few plot twists which will get us up there!

Ninth, the same scientists will finally prove that the fat lady has sung and the Elvis left the building some time ago.

And lastly, in tenth place, some unsung genius will discover why none of Microsoft's software has ever worked properly. We will never find out, of course.