i've been neglectful of this journal. i wish i could be as disiplined as dear sweet netter. and i don't much know what i want to say today or where i'll end up.

the biggest concern is money, of course. it makes this land go round. so i just push that anxiety down, cause you can't change what's out of your control. so i just push that down and down and down with all the other concerns, like where am i going to get the money for my son to go to college(or trade school)? when will the irs come after us and take everything we don't have in the first place? when will we be thrown in jail for not paying our credit card bills from three and a half years ago when hubby first got laid off from his $60,000 a year job that he can't replace with anything more than a slightly higher than minimum wage one? and we wonder why so many people turn to illegal activities.

denial is the religion of this country. it's not my fault or i didn't know.

canada and france have the right idea with their socialism. most people think socialism is bad. they automatically think of the communist version of it. that's the propoganda that's been handed down for generations here and it's just not accurate.

then the other argument is, "well they pay higher taxes" but really in the end it all evens out. think of what we pay for health insurance. when hubby was an i.t. contracter, he paid nearly $300 dollars a every two weeks for family coverage on everything(that's including dental and eyes) look at what a college education costs in this country. and if you're not black, indian, immigrant, disabled or from a severely disadvantaged family, forget about finding federal money to go.

if we could just find the money, i swear we'd make a run for the northern border and never look back.

i'm tired of seeing my husband come home from a job that's beneath him. we place so much emphasis on a college education but then our government refuses to pay for it and now companies are sending those jobs overseas to india and china(for god's sake). my husband went from selling computers at best buy to working as a programmer at ibm in three stinkin years, all without the benefit of a college education. all self taught, in a makeshift office stuffed away in our walk-in closet. doesn't that count for something? why can no one see his capacity to learn? and i mean, anything. he writes html from scratch, in notepad, while some $60,000 dollar a year college graduate can only use an editor. we don't value true intelligence anymore, just a stinking piece of $80,000 paper that says we've jumped through all the hoops like good little drones. and of course now, many of those kids can't even find jobs here.

meanwhile, everyday it eats away at him. he's losing his spirit, his pride, his zest for life. pretty soon i'll be left with nothing but an empty shell that will crumble and blow away with the first strong wind.

i ache, my heart aches for him and i'm pissed. pissed that no one will give him a chance. pissed that no one can see how damn smart he is. and i'm frustrated. frustrated that i of all people can't help him.

so all i can do is deny. deny where we've ended up in life and how much lower we'll go. so i go around all happy and optimistic, hoping that things will get better. but deep down inside, i know they won't. i know they will only get worse. it seems that's just how life is.