I had a horrible day yesterday. Yasha kept having seizures, at times, one an hour. I simply can't afford to take him to the vet until next week. Right now I have about 10 bucks to last me until next Thurs. So we adjusted his medication ourselves. Just a slight bump up to see if they'll stop. He only had three last night, during an eight hour period and so far, he hasn't had one this morning since I got up. my fingers are crossed that we're getting them under control.

being poor sucks. my son's eye is red. i'm pretty sure it's due to his allergies, and even though we can get it to go away for short periods of time, within a few days, it ends up red again(which is how i know it's not pink eye, thank god). so now, on top of having to find money to take yasha to the vet, i have to find the money to take z to the doctor. and then pray i can afford the medication. the road just keeps getting bumpier and spending the last few years in the fast lane, people keep overtaking me from the slow side and flipping me the bird.

the downsizing of our living space is coming soon. i'm a bit overwhelmed with trying to figure out how to stuff a three bedroom townhome into a two bedroom apartment. stuff like this, organization and moving always overwhelms me. i hate it. while i look forward to getting rid of a lot of crap, i don't want to start chunking willy nilly. and i always find it amazing how much crap people accumulate in such a short time. when we moved here, i chunked a lot of stuff. we had come from a two bedroom apartment, much tinier than the one we'll be moving back to, and we had soooo much room. now every closet, every free corner in our house is filled with something. i'm sure once my sister in law comes to take her things, it won't look quite so bad, but honestly, she doesn't really have all that much stuff. she'd moved from arkansas a few years ago and put a lot of her stuff in storage there. when she got behind on the payments(only cuz she kept forgetting to mail them, it's not like it cost a lot of money)she just told the lady to clean it out and sell her things. i can't believe she just tossed her past like that. she had some lovely things, things given to her by her worthless mom, things i think that had been passed down in her family.

but i guess that's not to surprising. my husband's family has been largely nomadic. his dad was in the army and they never stayed anywhere for longer than two years. his parents had made a habit of living light. as mark tells it, his mom would have their whole house unpacked and together in one day everytime they moved to a new location. Even if that move was overseas(depending on how fast the army could get their things there, and we all know how slow and full of red tape the army can be). when his mom decided to live her "life's dream" and move to alaska, she sold everything. things from my husband's childhood that he would have liked to had. his dad lives light also. he came here from ohio with just a toyota tacoma not even full of his things. just his clothes, a small tv, and a few personal belongings like pictures of his kids.

how can people live like this, with hardly any connection to their pasts? i lived practically my whole life in the same house. my parents still live there today. i have a lot of things i could never part with. my dining room table belonged to my grandmother. the chairs have slowly broken over the years, but hopefully, i can get them fixed someday. my small chest of drawers was my mother's when she was a girl. her father had built it for her. i have a bookcase, which personally i'd part with, but my mother has threatened bloody murder if i ditch it. i have a trunk that my brother in law used to get his things from israel to america. he had defected from hungary years before coming here. i hope someday to give that trunk to one of his daughters so they can have it and pass it down to their kids. i have two brown chairs that were the first pieces of furniture that mark and i owned. they were given to me by my nurse friend when we worked at the hospital. they look like crap, and need to be recovered. i'd be willing to give up one of them, but i insist we keep at least one. mark and i have had many happy moments in one or the other of those chairs *wink*

i sound like i'm obsessed with stuff. i'm not really. but mind you, when you have nothing, the few ratty things you do own tend to have sentimental value.

of course, when i finally got the nerve to end my first marriage, i left quite a few things there. my ex was being quite the bastard about it anyhow. but it also wasn't worth it to me. i just wanted out from that horrible life, so i was willing to leave everything behind. luckily, i didn't take a lot of my childhood things with me. mom hung on to those(as if, maybe she knew?) but i wanted no reminders of him. looking back on it, i wish i'd kept the house. he sold it less than a year after we divorced.

so for now, i'll think a little more about streamlining my life. i'll reconcile with myself downsizing my vehicle. who needs all those fancy gadgets anyway? then i'll move carefully over to the slowlane, hoping that i can find my final destination of security without money worries on the roadmap of life. and maybe from there, i'll be able to finally enjoy the view that's been whizzing by.

now ain't this a fine mess of gobbledy goop.