this is quite a long tale, so sit back grab your favorite beverage and well, read.

after getting new insurance because a "security breech" on my bank caused my insurance to lapse, scraping up the funds for the ridiculously high fine (wrote my congressmen...can we say worthless?) incurred on me which concurrently suspended my license to begin with, and inquiring to agency after agency of what i had to do to get my license unsuspended, i finally got my answer from a very nice man in tallehassee who handles such things. so i headed out early this a.m. to take care of the matter.

i didn't get a wink of sleep last night. not only have i been fighting fever and allergy/sinus problems (btw, how come sometimes benedryl gives me restless leg syndrome?), past demons and newly discovered demons have been haunting my mind.

so despite my extreme fatigue (5 hours of sleep in 3 nights)and after some self hemming and hawing about should i wait for the next bus? or should i wait until tomorrow? i decided to bite the dmv bullet and get it over with.

i hop the first trolley, on time that early in the morning. and then hop the connector that will take me to the other connector i need. when we arrive at the transfer station, i ask the bus driver, as i've never ridden that extra route before, how long until the next connection. she looked at me and said, "he won't be here until 8:10." being on island time and therefore not owning a watch, i ask what time is it?

7:10.

that's right, i had to now kill an hour, at the mall, not a denny's, shoney's, ihop, or waffle house in sight. after killing about 15 mins or so to figure that out, i headed back to the transfer spot to see the mall security guard opening the doors. could it be?

haha...they open the doors at about 7:30 so the mall-walkers can converge to get their much needed walking exercise (by my estimations, about three laps around, which quite frankly, equaled my bathroom visits)

when he finally arrived and seizing on the opportunity that i'm the only one there as of yet waiting on him, i tell the bus driver i need to go to the tax collector's office. see, my pretties, the dmv closest to me was closed down in order to save money. times are bad. it used to be in an office next to the tax collector's, but because it is so far to go to the other driver's license places, the county installed driver's license services into the tax collector's office. sssshhhhh, this is a well guarded secret, especially to those who don't take the time to call or look it up online. and later in this tale, i'll explain why it will remain a secret, as far as i'm concerned.

anyway the bus driver finally figured out where i needed to go (although he didn't know 100 blocks of his route) and did indeed delivered me there.

i went to the bathroom (of course) then pulled a number and within a minute was called to a window. that's right, my lovelies, i didn't have to wait in the largest county in florida (that's why no one will find out about it...ever...if i have my way.)

so i pulled out all my info...birth certificate, ss card, medicare card, voter registration card, bank statement, internet bill (the last three to prove my address) and my o'hare marriage certificate, and i explain...my insurance lapsed, i was told i come here, pay the fine and because i lost my original fl driver's license (in the ocean, hopefully it's to africa by now) i have to pay the fine and get a replacement license for the lost one.

now comes the fun part.

first, she wasn't sure of my birth certificate because the name and date is handwritten (in ink) good god, i was born in '63 in texas no less! the first fl dmv person i dealt with told me hers was also handwritten.

secondly, she looks at the latest marriage license and wants to know how i got from my maiden name, to the first husband's name on the last marriage license. (are you following me? i've had three last names)

"we need the first marriage certificate"

"what?"

"we need the first marriage certificate"

"that was 28 years ago, i don't have it. i didn't keep it"

"i kept mine"

i start pulling out documents, my immunization record from the health department, my nursing license, my son's birth certificate, all showing my second name and my son's birth certificate showing not only my second name but my maiden name.

"we need to know how you went from your maiden name to this last name"

i again so my son's birth certificate showing both my maiden name and second name.

i explain that my license is suspended and i was assured all i had to do was pay the fine, and pay for the replacement. the state of fl had already granted me a license. once i paid the fine, all i needed was my birth certificate, ss card, and two proofs of residence.

i also explain that in three states, i never had to show that second marriage certificate and divorce.

here's the kicker, folks. as of jan 2009 because of "homeland security" , the rules had changed.

suffice to say...LIVID!

they (she'd gotten her supervisor by now, i didn't even have to ask) told me that i could pay the fine, but i couldn't get the replacement license until i provide those two items (actually, they only asked for the marriage certificate and oddly enough not for the divorce papers) then they asked me for my proof of insurance.

i told them the man i talked to in tallehassee told me i didn't need proof of insurance.

"what man?"

"the man YOUR office told me to contact. seeing as my tags are expired anyway, all i have to pay is the fine and the replacement card fee."

now this is the icing on the cake. my fine was $150. you just won't believe this. they charged me TAXES on my fine. when i asked why.

"because we're the tax collector"

several things bug me about this.

the tax collector should not charge taxes on a fine! that's just not right. a fine is a fine and that doesn't give them a right to charge a tax, especially when they are acting as a driver's licensing dmv.

not only did two other states license me without all this bs, but the state of fl licensed me, without that extra document(s), hell, i didn't even need the second marriage license. the way i see it, i had proof (my son's birth certificate) with the second name and my maiden name. plus, i had county health records with that second name and for pete's sake, i still had my nursing license given to me by a state nursing board!

i've been licensed in 3 states for 30 years without all this.

this just strikes me as kind of sexist. women change their names, men don't. so under these homeland security new guidelines women, of course, have to jump through the extra hoops. don't recall any of the terrorist plots, including 911, being perpetrated by women. also, if it's illegal aliens they're worried about, well, they aren't the ones committing the crimes. as a matter of fact, they are the one's most employers hire, to lower the bottom line *cough tyson foods*, and they are the one's who have scrubbed many a toilets of congressmen and women, the rich, and cared for their children.

let this be a lesson...keep all your documents. i have the divorce papers somewhere (though i might have ditched them three moves ago because no one ever wanted to see them, but if not, they are packed in a place where i can't get to them, much less know exactly where they are.)

women...when you marry...always keep your maiden name. it will help with securing a driver's license and ss card, however, you will have to have those documents for proof should you want to visit or need to make decisions on your husband's behalf in a medical situation. oh, that's not really a win-win situation for us, now is it.

needless to say, i can't phone it in towards getting the needed documents. i have to write them, with payment, which will take at least 10 days if not more. honestly, nothing gets here quickly between ft. smith and cape canaveral. sooooo, i will not be able to attend my niece's wedding.