Re-writing Analysis
Mood:
Contemplative
Read/Post Comments (1)
January 31, 2006
First paragraph:
Version 1:
Senator Thomas Nichols was in the conference room of his offices in the Hart Senate Office Building on Constitution Avenue. Nichols was forty-nine years old, lean, fit, black hair cut in a conservative cut, just the right amount of gray coming in at the temples. There were severe lines cut into his face that made him seem older; crow’s feet around his eyes, deep folds on either side of his mouth. He leaned back in his chair at the head of the table and slipped on a pair of reading glasses. He glanced at the sheaf of papers in his hand, an outline of proposed oversight for the intelligence agencies.
Version 2:
Senator Thomas Nichols leaned back in his chair at the head of the table and slipped on a pair of reading glasses. He momentarily glanced out the window of the conference room of his offices in the Hart Senate Office Building on Constitution Avenue. He had a decent view of the U.S. Capitol. He glanced at the sheaf of papers in his hand, an outline of proposed oversight and coordination between the Director of National Intelligence, the CIA and the NSA. It was the tip of the iceberg and it gave him a headache.
Version #3:
Senator Thomas Nichols leaned back in his chair at the head of the table and slipped on a pair of reading glasses. He momentarily glanced out the window of the conference room of his offices in the Hart Senate Office Building on Constitution Avenue. He had a decent view of the U.S. Capitol.
Okay. First, this occurs around page 215 of the manuscript, and it's the first time Senator Thomas Nichols appears. As a result, I needed to establish who he was and where he was. The problem with the first version was that it's essentially an info-dump. A paragraph of description. The only action is when he glances at a sheaf of papers, which I use to suggest that he's a Senator that is somehow involved in the intelligence community. He is. He's on the Senate Intelligence Committee. In the second re-write I introduce him by having him do something. It's not static description. He's actually doing something, no matter how small. That's always better. You can say somebody has red hair or you can say they raked their fingers through their long red hair. Go with the action. He's not just there, he's leaning back in his chair and slipping on his reading glasses. By the time we hit version three, he's looking out the window, which establishes the Hart Senate Office Building and if you wanted to get picky, even tells you which part of the building he's in because he has a view of the Capitol building.
Continuing on:
Version 1:
Senator Thomas Nichols was in the conference room of his offices in the Hart Senate Office Building on Constitution Avenue. Nichols was forty-nine years old, lean, fit, black hair cut in a conservative cut, just the right amount of gray coming in at the temples. There were severe lines cut into his face that made him seem older; crow’s feet around his eyes, deep folds on either side of his mouth. He leaned back in his chair at the head of the table and slipped on a pair of reading glasses. He glanced at the sheaf of papers in his hand, an outline of proposed oversight for the intelligence agencies.
“Mary, are you coordinating with the budget on this? Because I don’t see—“
The door opened and Senator Nichols’ office manager stepped into the room. Lynette Showers was a grouchy sixty-year-old in a dark pantsuit that did nothing to hide the fact that she was built like a broom with a clothes hanger for shoulders. She seemed flustered. “Sir, I… a moment in private, sir?”
Version 2:
Senator Thomas Nichols leaned back in his chair at the head of the table and slipped on a pair of reading glasses. He momentarily glanced out the window of the conference room of his offices in the Hart Senate Office Building on Constitution Avenue. He had a decent view of the U.S. Capitol. He glanced at the sheaf of papers in his hand, an outline of proposed oversight and coordination between the Director of National Intelligence, the CIA and the NSA. It was the tip of the iceberg and it gave him a headache.
One of his staff, Mary Lakeland, a heavyset blond who wore oversized glasses with hot pink frames, was going on about the NSA budget, despite the fact it wasn’t her job or area of expertise. Her words were like elevator music and he stared blankly out the window, her voice wafting unheard around him.
Nichols was forty-nine years old, lean, fit, black hair trimmed short and parted on the left, just the right amount of gray coming in at the temples. Good hair, he knew with a certain degree of vanity. It helped a politician to have good hair. Severe lines cut into his face that made him seem older. Crow’s feet etched around his eyes, deep folds digging onto either side of his mouth. The years had not been kind, but the age lines gave him character.
Mary said something that brought him back to earth. She was proposing something that would only get everybody in the intelligence community screaming their heads off.
“Mary, are you coordinating with the budget on this? Because I don’t see—“
The door opened and Senator Nichols’ office manager leaned in. Lynette Showers was a grouchy sixty-year-old in a dark pantsuit that did nothing to hide the fact that she was built like a broom with a clothes hanger for shoulders. She seemed flustered. “Sir, I… a moment in private, sir?”
Nichols raised his eyebrows and shrugged. He rose from the chair and followed her out. “What is it?”
Version #3:
Senator Thomas Nichols leaned back in his chair at the head of the table and slipped on a pair of reading glasses. He momentarily glanced out the window of the conference room of his offices in the Hart Senate Office Building on Constitution Avenue. He had a decent view of the U.S. Capitol.
One of his staff, Mary Lakeland, a heavyset blond who wore oversized glasses with hot pink frames, was going on about the NSA budget, despite the fact it wasn’t her job or area of expertise. Her words were like elevator music and he stared blankly out the window, her voice wafting unheard around him.
Nichols rubbed at the severe lines cut into his face that made him seem older. Crow’s feet etched around his eyes, deep folds digging onto either side of his mouth. The years had not been kind. He was only forty-nine. He scratched absently at the back of his neck, mind blank, trying to focus.
He glanced at the sheaf of papers in his hand, an outline of proposed oversight and coordination between the Director of National Intelligence, the CIA and the NSA. It was the tip of the iceberg and it gave him a headache.
Mary said something that brought him back to earth. “Mary, are you coordinating with the budget on this? Because I don’t see—“
The door opened and Senator Nichols’ office manager leaned in. Sixty years old, Lynette Showers was built like a broom with a clothes hanger for shoulders. She seemed flustered. “Sir, I … a moment in private, sir?”
Nichols raised his eyebrows and shrugged. He rose from the chair and followed her out. “What is it?”
Analysis:
There's a lot to talk about here. There's the bit about his staffer. I wanted to give just a little sense of what this meeting is about--oversight of the intelligence community, which is what the Senate Intelligence Committee does, and, by the way, much of what this book is about, ie., intelligence factions running amuck. So I wanted just a bit about someone in his staff running their mouth, but not in a useful way because, frankly, that's how I feel about meetings 99% of the time and I wanted to give the impression that Nichols was either bored or preoccupied.
I moved the description of Nichols down. Again, note that I made the description active. He's rubbing at the lines in his face. This is a handsome man, very successful, but his teenage son was kidnapped and murdered years earlier. His marriage later dissolved. Although his career has done okay--he was an ambassador to Spain, then a senator, and he's had careers in and out of various gov't institutions earlier, like the State Department and the CIA, the traumas are taking a toll on him.
And then we get to Lynette Showers, she of the skinny frame and bony shoulders. As much as I liked the description in the first version, I thought it was awkward. She's not a major character, but I wanted to give a sense of her age and angularity. I could just have said, His staffer came in and asked him... but, I had my reasons for the amount of detail that goes into the first part of this section. What is it, do you think?
If you read further, you see we've got a lot of dialogue. All of my work tends to have a lot of dialogue. Dialogue is very fast-paced. Readers rip through it. But it's not good to have all blisteringly fast paced materials. There should be some degree of ebb and flow. So the beginning establishes a new character and setting and sets the reader in time and space. Then there's dialogue leading up to the catalyst in the scene.
After receiving the message from Jo, he promptly tells the staffer that she did not receive the call and has never heard of Joanna Dancing. Then he grabs one of his close associates and they run off to Bullfeathers, which is a couple blocks north of the Hart Building. There they receive another note telling them to go to another bar, The Capitol Lounge, which is on Pennsylvania Avenue. This time they grab a cab, but Nichols' staffer tells the cab driver to go in a circuitous route because he's not convinced that it's Joanna that's actually sending them on this goose chase. It's possible they're being isolated by the very people they're fighting under the guise of a note from Joanna.
By necessity, there's a fair amount of description here without a lot of dialogue because they're driving or walking in circules around that part of Washington, D.C. I have to describe, at least a little bit, what these restaurants are like and the surrounding areas. Just a bit. It's not a travelogue.
So what I'm getting at is there's a mix of things going on here. Dialogue, which is fast-paced in and of itself, establishing materials, and narrative action that in and of itself has an urgency and tension to is because one of the characters added a dimension of danger to what is essentially two guys walking and driving to different restaurants.
Was this all intentional? Not in the first draft. And not 100% in the second and third. But at some level, because I write all the time and I pay attention, I knew that's what I was trying to do. I definitely knew I needed to establish time and place and who was involved right off the top. But the pacing issues were more a matter of reading and thinking and reading and judging how I reacted to things and eventually understanding some of what was actually going on in the work I was writing.
I hope this was useful.
Best,
Mark Terry
First paragraph:
Version 1:
Senator Thomas Nichols was in the conference room of his offices in the Hart Senate Office Building on Constitution Avenue. Nichols was forty-nine years old, lean, fit, black hair cut in a conservative cut, just the right amount of gray coming in at the temples. There were severe lines cut into his face that made him seem older; crow’s feet around his eyes, deep folds on either side of his mouth. He leaned back in his chair at the head of the table and slipped on a pair of reading glasses. He glanced at the sheaf of papers in his hand, an outline of proposed oversight for the intelligence agencies.
Version 2:
Senator Thomas Nichols leaned back in his chair at the head of the table and slipped on a pair of reading glasses. He momentarily glanced out the window of the conference room of his offices in the Hart Senate Office Building on Constitution Avenue. He had a decent view of the U.S. Capitol. He glanced at the sheaf of papers in his hand, an outline of proposed oversight and coordination between the Director of National Intelligence, the CIA and the NSA. It was the tip of the iceberg and it gave him a headache.
Version #3:
Senator Thomas Nichols leaned back in his chair at the head of the table and slipped on a pair of reading glasses. He momentarily glanced out the window of the conference room of his offices in the Hart Senate Office Building on Constitution Avenue. He had a decent view of the U.S. Capitol.
Okay. First, this occurs around page 215 of the manuscript, and it's the first time Senator Thomas Nichols appears. As a result, I needed to establish who he was and where he was. The problem with the first version was that it's essentially an info-dump. A paragraph of description. The only action is when he glances at a sheaf of papers, which I use to suggest that he's a Senator that is somehow involved in the intelligence community. He is. He's on the Senate Intelligence Committee. In the second re-write I introduce him by having him do something. It's not static description. He's actually doing something, no matter how small. That's always better. You can say somebody has red hair or you can say they raked their fingers through their long red hair. Go with the action. He's not just there, he's leaning back in his chair and slipping on his reading glasses. By the time we hit version three, he's looking out the window, which establishes the Hart Senate Office Building and if you wanted to get picky, even tells you which part of the building he's in because he has a view of the Capitol building.
Continuing on:
Version 1:
Senator Thomas Nichols was in the conference room of his offices in the Hart Senate Office Building on Constitution Avenue. Nichols was forty-nine years old, lean, fit, black hair cut in a conservative cut, just the right amount of gray coming in at the temples. There were severe lines cut into his face that made him seem older; crow’s feet around his eyes, deep folds on either side of his mouth. He leaned back in his chair at the head of the table and slipped on a pair of reading glasses. He glanced at the sheaf of papers in his hand, an outline of proposed oversight for the intelligence agencies.
“Mary, are you coordinating with the budget on this? Because I don’t see—“
The door opened and Senator Nichols’ office manager stepped into the room. Lynette Showers was a grouchy sixty-year-old in a dark pantsuit that did nothing to hide the fact that she was built like a broom with a clothes hanger for shoulders. She seemed flustered. “Sir, I… a moment in private, sir?”
Version 2:
Senator Thomas Nichols leaned back in his chair at the head of the table and slipped on a pair of reading glasses. He momentarily glanced out the window of the conference room of his offices in the Hart Senate Office Building on Constitution Avenue. He had a decent view of the U.S. Capitol. He glanced at the sheaf of papers in his hand, an outline of proposed oversight and coordination between the Director of National Intelligence, the CIA and the NSA. It was the tip of the iceberg and it gave him a headache.
One of his staff, Mary Lakeland, a heavyset blond who wore oversized glasses with hot pink frames, was going on about the NSA budget, despite the fact it wasn’t her job or area of expertise. Her words were like elevator music and he stared blankly out the window, her voice wafting unheard around him.
Nichols was forty-nine years old, lean, fit, black hair trimmed short and parted on the left, just the right amount of gray coming in at the temples. Good hair, he knew with a certain degree of vanity. It helped a politician to have good hair. Severe lines cut into his face that made him seem older. Crow’s feet etched around his eyes, deep folds digging onto either side of his mouth. The years had not been kind, but the age lines gave him character.
Mary said something that brought him back to earth. She was proposing something that would only get everybody in the intelligence community screaming their heads off.
“Mary, are you coordinating with the budget on this? Because I don’t see—“
The door opened and Senator Nichols’ office manager leaned in. Lynette Showers was a grouchy sixty-year-old in a dark pantsuit that did nothing to hide the fact that she was built like a broom with a clothes hanger for shoulders. She seemed flustered. “Sir, I… a moment in private, sir?”
Nichols raised his eyebrows and shrugged. He rose from the chair and followed her out. “What is it?”
Version #3:
Senator Thomas Nichols leaned back in his chair at the head of the table and slipped on a pair of reading glasses. He momentarily glanced out the window of the conference room of his offices in the Hart Senate Office Building on Constitution Avenue. He had a decent view of the U.S. Capitol.
One of his staff, Mary Lakeland, a heavyset blond who wore oversized glasses with hot pink frames, was going on about the NSA budget, despite the fact it wasn’t her job or area of expertise. Her words were like elevator music and he stared blankly out the window, her voice wafting unheard around him.
Nichols rubbed at the severe lines cut into his face that made him seem older. Crow’s feet etched around his eyes, deep folds digging onto either side of his mouth. The years had not been kind. He was only forty-nine. He scratched absently at the back of his neck, mind blank, trying to focus.
He glanced at the sheaf of papers in his hand, an outline of proposed oversight and coordination between the Director of National Intelligence, the CIA and the NSA. It was the tip of the iceberg and it gave him a headache.
Mary said something that brought him back to earth. “Mary, are you coordinating with the budget on this? Because I don’t see—“
The door opened and Senator Nichols’ office manager leaned in. Sixty years old, Lynette Showers was built like a broom with a clothes hanger for shoulders. She seemed flustered. “Sir, I … a moment in private, sir?”
Nichols raised his eyebrows and shrugged. He rose from the chair and followed her out. “What is it?”
Analysis:
There's a lot to talk about here. There's the bit about his staffer. I wanted to give just a little sense of what this meeting is about--oversight of the intelligence community, which is what the Senate Intelligence Committee does, and, by the way, much of what this book is about, ie., intelligence factions running amuck. So I wanted just a bit about someone in his staff running their mouth, but not in a useful way because, frankly, that's how I feel about meetings 99% of the time and I wanted to give the impression that Nichols was either bored or preoccupied.
I moved the description of Nichols down. Again, note that I made the description active. He's rubbing at the lines in his face. This is a handsome man, very successful, but his teenage son was kidnapped and murdered years earlier. His marriage later dissolved. Although his career has done okay--he was an ambassador to Spain, then a senator, and he's had careers in and out of various gov't institutions earlier, like the State Department and the CIA, the traumas are taking a toll on him.
And then we get to Lynette Showers, she of the skinny frame and bony shoulders. As much as I liked the description in the first version, I thought it was awkward. She's not a major character, but I wanted to give a sense of her age and angularity. I could just have said, His staffer came in and asked him... but, I had my reasons for the amount of detail that goes into the first part of this section. What is it, do you think?
If you read further, you see we've got a lot of dialogue. All of my work tends to have a lot of dialogue. Dialogue is very fast-paced. Readers rip through it. But it's not good to have all blisteringly fast paced materials. There should be some degree of ebb and flow. So the beginning establishes a new character and setting and sets the reader in time and space. Then there's dialogue leading up to the catalyst in the scene.
After receiving the message from Jo, he promptly tells the staffer that she did not receive the call and has never heard of Joanna Dancing. Then he grabs one of his close associates and they run off to Bullfeathers, which is a couple blocks north of the Hart Building. There they receive another note telling them to go to another bar, The Capitol Lounge, which is on Pennsylvania Avenue. This time they grab a cab, but Nichols' staffer tells the cab driver to go in a circuitous route because he's not convinced that it's Joanna that's actually sending them on this goose chase. It's possible they're being isolated by the very people they're fighting under the guise of a note from Joanna.
By necessity, there's a fair amount of description here without a lot of dialogue because they're driving or walking in circules around that part of Washington, D.C. I have to describe, at least a little bit, what these restaurants are like and the surrounding areas. Just a bit. It's not a travelogue.
So what I'm getting at is there's a mix of things going on here. Dialogue, which is fast-paced in and of itself, establishing materials, and narrative action that in and of itself has an urgency and tension to is because one of the characters added a dimension of danger to what is essentially two guys walking and driving to different restaurants.
Was this all intentional? Not in the first draft. And not 100% in the second and third. But at some level, because I write all the time and I pay attention, I knew that's what I was trying to do. I definitely knew I needed to establish time and place and who was involved right off the top. But the pacing issues were more a matter of reading and thinking and reading and judging how I reacted to things and eventually understanding some of what was actually going on in the work I was writing.
I hope this was useful.
Best,
Mark Terry
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