I can't decide what I want to listen to so I let the Jukebox decide.

Treefingers, Radiohead
These are the Days, 10,000 Maniacs
Father Lucifer, Tori Amos
Would? Alice in Chains
Beautiful Girl, Poe
Wicked Ways, Garbage
Special, Garbage
Slice of Life, Bauhaus

Yes. I'm in a bad mood. Yes. The subject of this post was stolen from a They Might be Giants song. I try to keep some things lighthearted when I'm a razor blade away from sliding into a complete void of roiling self-loathing and seething achiness. I rarely take the time to take a close look at these things. I consider my emotions to be messy annoying things and don't like them to take too much of my time, let alone that of anyone else's. So if you find this boring or angsty, you've been warned.

Before you freak out and call 911 for me or something (don't laugh, that's happened, only it was me calling) I want to make it clear that I'm in a bad *mood,* not a bad mind-set. I'm just feeling kinda down and unhappy but this isn't full-blown depression. I wouldn't be writing if it were.

I was really tired this morning and really had to drag myself out just in time to avoid a ticket because the meter I was parked at goes on at eight. Otherwise I probably would have slept in until eight. And I would have taken a shower. Got into work, set about answering some email and getting my work going. Called up Molasses to say good morning and it was sweet, though short.

In my job I look at Web sites all day long. On average I look at 150 to 200 different sites so then tend to only stay in my extremely short-term memory for the space of a few minutes to process the clients' requests and move on. Few of them have any impact unless they're designed poorly. But some, a very select few do get to me and move in under my skin and into my head and into my heart and move things around. In general, I don't see sites that are meant to arouse any sort of particular emotion or reaction. In general, I only look at sites (usually) that have something to sell, or they wouldn't have bothered to come to us. Usually sites that do accidentally get in and are kinda offensive or something can get tossed out.

But today's site was none of this. It was a woman's clothing and fashion site and I was looking at the formal gowns. It was a pretty normal site, ecommerce and all that good stuff. So my reaction to it was purely internal. For the first time in heaven-only-knows how long I stared at the models and actually *didn't* think "hey, nice tits." I was stunned to find myself thinking why can't I look like that? These dresses are gorgeous but even if they came in my size they would just look stupid on me. Even if I could lose all of the weight there would be no way I would *ever* look like that. I'd have to have most of my ribs removed. And my hips, too, probably. And breast reduction would be such an understatement.

Dear God, I'm embarassed to even admit that I was thinking this.

Normally I hate shopping because it is extraordinarily depressing to find none of the beautiful clothes that I really like in anything approaching my size. It's like clothes makers figure no one sized larger than an 8 has any taste and so anything bigger has to be as bland or ugly as possible. But this wasn't normal. I might get pissy, but this time it really hurt.

Grease Paint and Monkey Brains, White Zombie
Is There No One that Can Save Us from Today? Snog
Hey Daddy, Korn
On a Plain, Nirvana
Dying, Hole
Run On, Moby
Milk It, Nirvana
Sweat, Tool

(I wonder if this thing can sense my emotions and make the music suit? nahhh)

I was looking for a few details on their site to complete my search and found one of the most beautiful dresses I've ever seen outside of the Temple on Melrose. http://www.cybernetplaza.com/page.asp?style=c2182 Red is my favorite color and this thing is shimmery and lovely. But obviously to make it work one has to be about a size four. Hypothetically it comes in a size 16 but I can already see with the straps the way they are there would be no way it would work without a stole or something and that's not even taking into account that the bra would have to strapless. When my sister starts designing full time I'm going to tell her to build bras into the dresses.

*sigh* typically I don't care about clothes. When I was a kid I wasn't allowed to wear jeans until about 6th grade. Then I decided that they were MUCH more comfortable than what my mom wanted me to wear. But back then I only had one pair so I didn't get to wear it much. So I swore to myself when I grew and could buy my own clothes I would wear jeans as much possible. I'm still doing what I can to make that come true.

But the point here, today, is that I'm overweight and it's a serious bummer. Until now it honestly has only bothered me when I went shopping, there have been other little things but they've been annoyances that go away quickly, like a sweater not fitting as well as it used to or something. As soon as I switch sweaters I forget about it. I've been trying to stick to exercizing regularly, but I pretty much hate it. I like to do fun stuff so if exercize is built into it, that's good, but forcing myself onto the bike for 40 minutes everyday and otherwise regimenting my diet irritates me and my brain struggles every which way to try to come up with a way out of it.

I stayed at 165 for a very long time because I was either going everywhere on foot or far too broke to get any food. So when I started working full time and was able to see a doctor for the first time in a couple of years I was stunned to weigh in at a 198. In the last year I've gained an additional ten-ish pounds and it's been a bit disheartening.

But this morning I sat staring at this beautiful woman in an impossibly beautiful dress and felt my throat catch and my eyes well up and I just....

Keeping to my work has been difficult, I kept the Web page open to the dress and dabbed away the tears. I went for a walk to clear my head some and came back to surf some journals. I don't really feel much better. In fact I wish I didn't have to be at work. If I had a fever or nausea or something I could go home, but don't really have that. But I feel just as unable to do my work.

Pathetic isn't it?

My kingdom for a razor blade.

sweating and bleeding
staring and thinking
sinking deeper and
it's almost like I'm swimming
the sun is burning hot again
I'm the hunter and the fisherman
and I'm trying to remember when
but it makes me dizzy
Sweat
Tool