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Something to Do Before I Die
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i knew that i'd need her today
Yes, Anastasia, Tori Amos
The tiny ship bounces in the cave waters. The sail is shredded, useless, occasionally the mast hits the ceiling of the cave, sending jolting shocks through the boat. I lost my last paddle an hour ago, perhaps. Time is mutable. The air swirls and eddies around me but there's no telling where the shore is, if there is one. I have no idea where I'm going, nor if it'll be safe. This craft is the only thing that has kept me alive and it might be headed for desctruction.
I always thought the universe had it's perverse moments and places and I've stumbled on some of that. Most of today I was having a good time but it dipped and slipped down out of control when a friend at work recieved an email that a friend of hers (a man in his mid to late twenties) is in dire need of a new heart. A life beyond the next few days is unlikely without it. I've offered my distracted prayers but I'm better at doing. I just don't know what to do.
My hands stopped shaking a long time ago and I don't feel the icy wetness anymore, but the shock when I find a bit of cloth that is still dry sends spasms through my legs. Occasionally my teeth remember to chatter but the cold has long descended from my skin and into my bones. The storm came suddenly and all of my best moves brought me here. I knew what this place would be, I knew that it could end me as easily as the storm. More easily. But it seemed like a good idea at the time, and there's no way I can turn back now.
Pandora's Aquarium, Tori Amos
It's an image that comes to me when start at the open blank page and I'm trying to explain how I feel without explaining what brought it about, and without beginning every sentance with the word "I." But I am feeling cold and shaken, tears come and go and my brain knows I'm being dumb but my heart's already retreated into itself, back in it's dark little corner where nothing will touch it.
I wish I knew what to do, but some storms just have to be weathered. So I write to a couple of friends, turn the RealJukebox to AllTori, AlltheTime hit random and start writing.
Concertina, Tori Amos
Doughnut Song, Tori Amos
The first time that I heard a Tori song (I think, or at least the first time it registerd) I was 16, behind the wheel of my mom's van with her in the passenger's seat and the radio tuned to KROQ. I had my learner's permit but I don't remember what we were doing, only that I begged for every opportunity to drive. On the radio the intro to a song started and guitar was playing, though to me it sounded like it was seagulls wheeling and playing and calling to each other. When the piano started I already knew what the singer was going to say, though I can't say way. It's possible, I suppose, that I had already heard the song and had it registered somewhere in my subconcious, but it still made my skin get goose pimples when I actually heard Tori sing for the first time, "God, sometimes you just don't come through."
I looked quickly at my mom to see if she heard it. Likely she would be angry or something if she had. Or demand and explanation from me. But she hadn't seemed to notice.
Pretty Good Year, Tori Amos
1000 Oceans, Tori Amos
I didn't have much money back then, my parent's only barely believed in an allowance (these days, I only barely believe in allowances), and keeping up with six honors classes, theatre and band pretty much made it so I couldn't work...So I ended up getting Little Earthquakes sometime during my senior year and played it nearly to death before I moved away to college. I don't really remember when I got Under the Pink only that I was happily surprised to find Trent Reznor singing background vocals on "Past the Mission." I didn't listen to UTP much, except when I wanted a mood of carefully orchestrated beauty. During my junior year of high school a former classmate, two years my senior died of a form of cancer. He was a drama god as they say, really popular in theatre and choir and the folks at school offered a lot of their performances as sort of prayers to keep him healthy. I don't know how related this was exactly but school was getting steadily harder and the expectations were increasing and by the time my senior year came around I was nearly insane with depression and stress. All through this time the only thing that was a surefire trick to make me smile was when I heard a Tori song on the radio.
My freshman year at college was bewildering and awesome just like they say it should be. I drank a lot and partied hard and was less careful about who I made friends with than perhaps I should have been. There was a point in the spring when it came crashing down because there was a girl who suddenly and forcefully made it plain to me that she didn't like me all *that* much.
Glory of the 80's, Tori Amos
i i e e e, Tori Amos
When I had moved to college I was determined to be more outgoing, to watch and listen and play along and cultivate friends. Before then I had never really tried much to make friends, people would come and go and either we'd play nice or we'd ignore each other. Actually, that's oversimplifying the case. I learned early on that people were inconsistent when it came to emotions and they didn't always say what they meant. Unfortunately, it took me nearly 25 years to learn that people often lie to themselves, but anyway....
Datura, Tori Amos
I made the effort to be friendly and for a time it worked, but I think I come off as most weird and freakish when I'm really trying to be normal. And at some point I just gave it up. At the point when this girl really dressed me down I felt like I was exposed for a true fraud and I did the only thing I've ever done well. I ran and hid.
Beauty Queen/Horses, Tori Amos
A few days later Boys for Pele came out and I ran out and bought it. For the next two days the only productive thing I did was listening to it over and over again. I went to class, I think, and maybe ate, but it was all in a fog. Every note that was struck ran through me like lightening and I hardly dared to breath. When "Blood Roses" came up it was like...I don't know, like Tori was petting my hair and whispering, it's okey, you gotta let it bleed at first, that'll help clean it out. Yeah, it'll hurt, that's how you know it matters.
I think I laughed at "Father Lucifer" but when "Professional Widow" started up I curled up into a ball and really let loose. Every time Tori pounded on the harpsichord (if you've never heard this song, you need to just so you know what thrash harpsichord sounds like) another wave crashed over me until the song wound itself up at it's fevered pitch. I don't think I heard "Mr Zebra" the first time through because I was still crying very hard. But I started to come back and heard such beauty in "Marianne." She was immediately my favorite artist, ever.
Lust, Tori Amos
Northern Lad, Tori Amos
Past the Mission, Tori Amos
That summer Tori went on tour and I ran out to get tickets and went with a friend from high school. The magic that comes when at a Tori show is indescribable. The power that this tiny woman holds nothing short of amazing, her attitudes and flare breathes such life into a group of some of the most disperate people I've ever seen and I remember we all moved as one when she walked onstage and cheered and cried when she left. You really could hear a pin drop. Or maybe a trashcan lid. When she moved between the Bosie and the Harpsichord (I forget her name, shame on me) we all hushed up in a hurry. When she began you could hear a collective sucking in of air, "Five am, Friday morning, Thursday night, far from sleep...."
Blood Roses, Tori Amos
Landslide, Tori Amos
We cheered wildly when she pointed at the hill behind us (this was at the Greek theatre) and told us about living at Franklin and Gower and how Little Earthquakes was born there. Caton sat on a stool hunched over his guitar for most of the night and there was no one else to be seen.
During my sophomore year I really started to learn the power of the Internet and the myriad ways to waste time it afforded. I was introduced to IRC and quickly gravitated to #tori and stayed there. The Dent and the cyber connection to other toriphiles helped me stay in one piece even when everything else was tearing me apart. I understand why Tori considers herself "ears with feet" but I never understood why her fans had to call themselves that. *shrug*
That Christmas KROQ put together a Christmas show as they usually do and for some reason, possibly just a quirk, the first night was entirely chick singers, chick bands, or bands fronted by chicks. So Tori was that night. God, she just brought down the house. She only got to do five songs but she attacked the piano like it had to be conquered and while the audience had been pretty wild they went absolutely fucking nuts for her. I listened (and taped it) via the radio and was on #tori at the same time. It was very nearly a religious experience, utterly alone in my space and yet sharing the same moving experience with hundreds if not thousands of people.
In January I found out the night she got married through the Net. Much later when she announced she was releasing another album and was going to tour she had interviews all over the place. That's when I found out about her miscarriages - the last one being about a week after the KROQ show.
When From the Choirgirl Hotel (my junior year) came out I went up to Tower on Sunset with Jester and the Icecream Assassin at midnight to pick up our copies. That was a bit of an adventure as we got pulled over by a cop who suspected us of drug use.
Little Earthquakes, Tori Amos
All the Girls Hate Her, Tori Amos
I'm a fan not a fanatic. I figured that out when From the Choirgirl Hotel came out and Kevin and Bean did a breakfast in the parking lot of the Palace, accross the street from the Capitol Records building. I showed up at five am and reserved a spot nearish to the stage and hunkered down. There were already folks there who had started arriving the night before. When the sun rose they started putting away their sleeping blankets. In one corner, at the requisite time a chorus went up, "6.58, are you sure where my spark is?"
I didn't have any intricate paintings or poems or anything to offer Tori. I had never had any desire to do so, and here I was surrounded by people who had designed albums around magazine clippings of Ms Amos. I felt sheepish until she started singing and laughing and talking and then it felt like a private audiences, like I was lifted on a tidal wave and near orgasm the entire time. She's about five feet of sheer power and all I have to do is stand by to get swept away.
Cornflake Girl, Tori Amos
They started the show sometime after seven, but didn't bring anyone onstage until about eight. The crowd move and cheered and hollered like a thing alive. I've never known so many people move in one direction with one mind and so sure of itself. The DJs couldn't help but comment on how crazy we went and were stunned when they saw a guy crying. Tori, of course, was prepared and ready to rock. What a foul mouth the girl has when she hasn't quite figured out what to say yet. MMhhhh she's so rad *gushes*
She's Your Cocaine, Tori Amos
Lovesong, Tori Amos
Candle in the Wind, Tori Amos
Jackie's Strength, Tori Amos
I met my first (and only) girlfriend on #tori. We didn't exactly hit it off at first and we were friends for a while, but since she lived in San Jose she decided during the Spring Break of our junior to come visit. Of course by this time we had way more than bonded over Tori and were waiting with bated breath for the club dates to be announced. Well close quarters got the best of us and we hooked up. }:> The relationship certainly had it's moments unfortunately they were frequently separated by several weeks of being 400 miles apart. Not a horribly long distance but at this point both of us had part time jobs, school and could only borrow a car from our parents. So it was far enough. My mom's phone bill ended up topping three hundred in one month because of it.
In the end she was revealed as herself, and I was the fool who believed she'd be other than what she was. But you know, Tori had a song for every second. And I don't regret it. At least now that it doesn't completely hurt anymore....
By the time the full FtCgH tour was doing larger shows I had assembled the Lollipop Gestapo. We were a motely bunch, short-lived, and I don't think we were ever in the same building at the same time (maybe) but that thought that we might hang out and trade stories and bootlegs thrilled me to no end. Bells & Footfalls was a woman who I always respected, she knew my mind better than I did and always knew what to say or do to get over any of life's irritations. The Icecream Assassin and Faith, of course, were musts. And Sugar, who I could never quite hook up with outside of Boy's parties, though not for lack of trying. Oh and Marienne.
Blue Skies, Tori Amos
Wrapped Around Your Finger, Tori Amos
Because I wanted this to work I went out on a free day which happened to coincide with the day the tickets were to go on sale and drove up alone to the Greek. I was there at ten, though the onsale was at three. They hadn't mentioned wristbands so I was hoping for the best. I was about fourth in line. By one there maybe thirty people in line and those of us at the front were working hard to hide grins. Then the guy with the yellow bag came out and told us to get in a straight line, that they would start handing out wristbands soon. Dammit! We were pretty ticked at this point but resigned. Due to the number I drew I really didn't have a hope of getting tickets. Guesstimating, the show would have sold out a good dozen people ahead of me. So I wondered to the front of the line feeling miserable. I must have looked as bad as I felt because a boy about ten people in signaled to me and offered to take my cash and get extra tickets. To stay within the ticket maxes he could only get eight (eight is a max??) tickets, which meant he could only get me three. I glanced at the line, shrugged, gave him the money and wished him well.
Spark, Tori Amos
Hey Jupiter, Tori Amos
When things started I stood to the side of the line and watched the boy make his way up and proffer his money. He came back with a small smile and gave me the tickets. He warned me that they weren't that great, but they were all that was left. Three people later and they were sold out. I was feeling vaguely forlorn with only three not-so-great tickets so I hung around the box office weighing my chances if another show would come on sale. The guys inside had had no idea, or at least that's what they were supposed to tell me so I waited around with a few other hopefuls. I thought about Tori the crazy stunts she'd supposedly pulled while in LA. I knew she loved her fans if they were honest and took an unforgiving approach to the posers and the seat warmers that were there to fullfill obligations to her label. I decided I'd wait because if there was another show then the chances would be good at getting great seats. Unfortunately the cost would be that I could only get two tickets but that'd be enough. A chance at good tickets to a show where Tori could be there for the fans and not industry people was not to be missed.
Baker, Baker, Tori Amos
Just as I was about to give up the guys in the box office started calling to us stragglers and we ran to the windows. Just like that I breathlessly ordered the two best tickets they could get me. I remember the guy actually asked me if the front row was okey!!!!!! I about fainted but passed him the money first. I drove home grinning like and idiot.
Blood Roses, Tori Amos
Over the summer before the show Northern Lad and I broke up. I found a lot of Tori's covers and listened to them obsessively. They were mostly tape collections from friends on the Net and were often copies of copies. The Net talks about "Under the Cover" but I've never actually found any studio production of hers by that name. So I halfway doubt it's existence
Raining Blood, Tori Amos
During my senior year depression crept up again. I had to commute through most of it from Fullerton to USC, which wasn't kind to my car or my stress levels. I sort of rediscovered LE because all the other albums were on CD, but LE was on tape so I could listen to it in the car. Driving through LA at all hours, with Tori singing along about all the different girls that hang out somewhere deep inside helped keep me sane and probably kept me from killing a lot of people.
I went to the Choirgirl show very early but not early enough to get a spot on the front of the signing crowd. She only came out for about fifeteen minutes and they restricted us to just a tiny section of the fence. Only people in the front could shake her hand or hug her. But I did what I could and managed to pass up my copy of Death: The Time of Your Life which she wrote the intro for. She signed it. }:>
Riot Proof, Tori Amos
Not the Red Baron, Tori Amos
The other ticket had been intended for Northern Lad but since that didn't work out (in the spirit of good faith I did try offering it to her but she said she already had tickets) I offered it to Bells and Footfalls who accepted. Sometimes I describe listening to Tori live like holding onto a live wire and whirling on the edge of a razor-sharp orgasm fighting to keep from going over. This show is (was?) the reason why. When the curtain came up the crowd lurched to it's feet as the boys were already playing some pensive and yet energetic intro. Only the piano was empty and I bit my lip and held my breath.
When she came onstage it was like watching a huge wave crest over me and when she through herself at her Bosie it was like the wave crashing on me and then hauling me up to the sun. I was in tears immediately and gave a strangeled cry as she began the main theme of "Precious Things." The whole show was about containing the pleasure. I learned the definition of Delirium first-hand, and when she took her first bows my knees nearly gave out as I stood to walk to the stage. She came over and grasped our hands and looked me in the eye as I screamed my thank you's to her. I stayed standing for all of her encores.
I'm Not in Love, Tori Amos
The year after that was a tough one. There's a lot of it that forced me to grow up (or grow some more, don't think I'm really all grown up, but that catapulted me over a lot of ground) and she kept me company whenever I lost my way.
Way Down, Tori Amos
In the Springtime of his Voodoo, Tori Amos
I was working at Tower in Brea (just for the summer I told myself, then I'd move back to LA) when I spied cover of Billboard with her picture on it and talking about a new album and future tour. I was entranced and ate it all up. I was a little miffed that KROQ was slow on the draw, but no matter, at Tower I could usually pull enough strings to listen to her for at least an hour. Especially when the album came out. To Venus and Back isn't one of my favorite albums but it is up there just in terms of adventurous sounds, and the live stuff always fills me with such great memories.
Putting the Damage On, Tori Amos
Then I heard she was doing another tour, this time co-headlining with Alanis Morrisette. I had no clue why this was, and I still don't but I made up my mind to go. This time it was down at Irvine Meadows and the seats were probably further away than is even possible for the Greek, ah well. I went with Icecream Assassin and Rabbit (who was there for Alanis but promised to be polite during Tori). I think I danced through the entire thing and it was done far too early. I guess because of time constraints she had to keep everything moving and didn't get to tell any stories. But she was still very awesome. And I think I convinced everyone around me that I was a nutcase. I was pleasantly surprised by Alanis and I think I would have liked her stuff earlier on if KROQ weren't staffed by morons and if American media weren't always in a hurry gobble up every new thing rather than savoring it.
Suede, Tori Amos
But anyway living in Los Angeles I was even more depressed than before. There were a couple of points where I almost didn't make it. At the worst parts even music couldn't reach me, it was like a storm on top of the sea when I was hiding out several feet underwater. It took a lot of work to climb out of it and when summer rolled around I felt like I had rediscovered the good parts of life. I was doing normal people things, even though I was living with my parents again and commuting all over creation, working at the will of the Man in whatever temp job I could get. It might have been crushing if it weren't better than lying on the bathroom wondering if I could pull together the strength to climb in the tub, turn on the water, take the razors and do what I knew would come naturally.
Liquid Diamonds, Tori Amos
When I started working full time I had given up on KROQ figuring their female musical percentage was about 7% whereas the amount of music they played per day where there was chick somewhere in the band was about 2% and it had been months since I had heard them play a Tori song. NPR news was more interesting and the homegrown shows were intriuging (if more mellow than my tastes tend to run). With my own computer the first thing I started working on was putting music on Real Jukebox. Guess who went on first? };>
When Strange Little Girls came out it was without a lot of fanfare and as far as I can tell KROQ didn't even register it. (Though a couple of nights before her shows she did visit on Loveline, I didn't get to hear much of it, which is a shame. I love hearing her on that show if only because of what a good foil she is to Adam.)
She's Your Cocaine, Tori Amos
Concertina, Tori Amos
I bought a pair of tickets through TicketMaster's pre-sale. (Really, I wonder how much it cost them to buy the entire Supreme Court. Not a Monopoly? Not unjustly gouging the public?!? How's that again??) They were for pretty high up in the Mezzanine at the Wiltern. I ended up taking Molasses, because it made sense at the time but I realized that that was kind of a mistake at the show. He's not not fan exactly...but he doesn't have quite the let-loose fanaticism that I'm used to in Toriphiles and he viewed the entire thing as an experiment of sorts. He said he had enjoyed some of her music and I don't doubt it but I think next time I'll ask someone who has a lot of fervor first. I enjoyed the concert quite a bit, but a combination of being far away, having it just be the girl and her piano, and being surrounded who weren't as exciteble as I've seen and well... I dunno. It was quieter and slower than I've seen in a long time and I kind of ended up feeling a little disappointed.
Father Lucifer, Tori Amos
Josephine, Tori Amos
Little Amsterdam, Tori Amos
*blushes* It's embarassing to say, I guess. A lot of fierce Toriphiles really love the ballad-y stuff, the B-sides, the quieter stuff. I think it's pretty but the raw power of "Professional Widow" and the enduring sexiness of "Cruel" and the jazzed up "Waitress" is what I really live for. So the show was on the prettier side but it was still touching and when she reminded us that "what had happened to Matthew happened in this country" with the song "Merman" I started to catch on and sat back wiped a couple of tears and listened to her tell us what a tragedy is like. (This was last October. On September the 15th KCRW aired an interview on Ground Zero - now New Ground - with Tori that had been recorded on September the 8th. She talked about "Raining Blood" and how it gave her the image of a great vagina opening over the skies of Afghanistan and reminding every single member of the Taliban of where they came from. This seriously grossed out Molasses. That's my Tori. *smiles*)
These days Tori has been keeping me company off and on. I wonder if she'd laugh if she knew that the people in her stories are people in my stories, or if she'd just be embarrassed for me. Either way her sounds, songs, stories, quips and licks have descriped the world more clearly than I ever could. She doesn't always make me feel better but she always helps me to find my way again, to collect my feet, get my head on straight and helps me hunt down my heart, wherever she may be hiding.
The water has stopped surging so I imagine the storm has eased off. Small comfort as the mast was just pushed so hard it broke through the hull rather than shatter. The boat is taking on water and I still don't know where I am. I can't see my hand in front of my face and sometimes I think I'll never see again and sometimes I think I'm about to get hit in the face by a rock. I sigh and take a useless look around. Nothing comes to my rescue so I shrug. You gotta do what you gotta do. I push myself over and into the water and immediately gasp at the cold of the water. I had thought I couldn't get colder and was clearly wrong. Frantically I kick off my shoes. My toes certainly don't notice. The life vest start to slide up and I start hitting the back of my head on it regulary. I pattle around holding onto what's left of the boat. It lasts just a little bit longer as I kick in the direction that I hope will lead to the mouth of the cave. But it doesn't last very long and soon it becomes too much work to move when most of it is under water. My foot hits something and find my back is bouncing off a wall. I am relieved and breathe a prayer of thanks to anything that will listen. The wall is covered in slick, ice cold moss but I push myself on. You gotta do what you gotta do.
Precious Things
Tori Amos
So I ran faster
but it caught me here
Yes my loyalties turned
like my ankle
in the seventh grade
Running after Billy
Running after the rain
These precious things
Let them bleed, let them wash away
These precious things
Let them break their hold over me
He said you're really an ugly girl
but I like the way you play
and I died
but I thanked him
Can you believe that, sick!
Holding on to his picture
Dressing up every day
I wanna smash the faces
of those beautiful boys
those Christian boys
So you can make me cum
That doesn't make you Jesus
These precious things
Let them bleed, let them wash away
These precious things
Let them break their hold over me
I remember
Yes in my peach party dress
No one dared, no one cared to tell me
where the pretty girls are
Those demigods
with their nine inch nails and
little fascist panties tucked inside
the heart of every nice grrl
These precious things
Let them bleed, let them wash away
These precious things
Let them break, let them wash away
These precious things
Let them bleed now, let them wash away
These precious things
Let them break their hold on me
Precious
Precious
The tiny ship bounces in the cave waters. The sail is shredded, useless, occasionally the mast hits the ceiling of the cave, sending jolting shocks through the boat. I lost my last paddle an hour ago, perhaps. Time is mutable. The air swirls and eddies around me but there's no telling where the shore is, if there is one. I have no idea where I'm going, nor if it'll be safe. This craft is the only thing that has kept me alive and it might be headed for desctruction.
I always thought the universe had it's perverse moments and places and I've stumbled on some of that. Most of today I was having a good time but it dipped and slipped down out of control when a friend at work recieved an email that a friend of hers (a man in his mid to late twenties) is in dire need of a new heart. A life beyond the next few days is unlikely without it. I've offered my distracted prayers but I'm better at doing. I just don't know what to do.
My hands stopped shaking a long time ago and I don't feel the icy wetness anymore, but the shock when I find a bit of cloth that is still dry sends spasms through my legs. Occasionally my teeth remember to chatter but the cold has long descended from my skin and into my bones. The storm came suddenly and all of my best moves brought me here. I knew what this place would be, I knew that it could end me as easily as the storm. More easily. But it seemed like a good idea at the time, and there's no way I can turn back now.
Pandora's Aquarium, Tori Amos
It's an image that comes to me when start at the open blank page and I'm trying to explain how I feel without explaining what brought it about, and without beginning every sentance with the word "I." But I am feeling cold and shaken, tears come and go and my brain knows I'm being dumb but my heart's already retreated into itself, back in it's dark little corner where nothing will touch it.
I wish I knew what to do, but some storms just have to be weathered. So I write to a couple of friends, turn the RealJukebox to AllTori, AlltheTime hit random and start writing.
Concertina, Tori Amos
Doughnut Song, Tori Amos
The first time that I heard a Tori song (I think, or at least the first time it registerd) I was 16, behind the wheel of my mom's van with her in the passenger's seat and the radio tuned to KROQ. I had my learner's permit but I don't remember what we were doing, only that I begged for every opportunity to drive. On the radio the intro to a song started and guitar was playing, though to me it sounded like it was seagulls wheeling and playing and calling to each other. When the piano started I already knew what the singer was going to say, though I can't say way. It's possible, I suppose, that I had already heard the song and had it registered somewhere in my subconcious, but it still made my skin get goose pimples when I actually heard Tori sing for the first time, "God, sometimes you just don't come through."
I looked quickly at my mom to see if she heard it. Likely she would be angry or something if she had. Or demand and explanation from me. But she hadn't seemed to notice.
Pretty Good Year, Tori Amos
1000 Oceans, Tori Amos
I didn't have much money back then, my parent's only barely believed in an allowance (these days, I only barely believe in allowances), and keeping up with six honors classes, theatre and band pretty much made it so I couldn't work...So I ended up getting Little Earthquakes sometime during my senior year and played it nearly to death before I moved away to college. I don't really remember when I got Under the Pink only that I was happily surprised to find Trent Reznor singing background vocals on "Past the Mission." I didn't listen to UTP much, except when I wanted a mood of carefully orchestrated beauty. During my junior year of high school a former classmate, two years my senior died of a form of cancer. He was a drama god as they say, really popular in theatre and choir and the folks at school offered a lot of their performances as sort of prayers to keep him healthy. I don't know how related this was exactly but school was getting steadily harder and the expectations were increasing and by the time my senior year came around I was nearly insane with depression and stress. All through this time the only thing that was a surefire trick to make me smile was when I heard a Tori song on the radio.
My freshman year at college was bewildering and awesome just like they say it should be. I drank a lot and partied hard and was less careful about who I made friends with than perhaps I should have been. There was a point in the spring when it came crashing down because there was a girl who suddenly and forcefully made it plain to me that she didn't like me all *that* much.
Glory of the 80's, Tori Amos
i i e e e, Tori Amos
When I had moved to college I was determined to be more outgoing, to watch and listen and play along and cultivate friends. Before then I had never really tried much to make friends, people would come and go and either we'd play nice or we'd ignore each other. Actually, that's oversimplifying the case. I learned early on that people were inconsistent when it came to emotions and they didn't always say what they meant. Unfortunately, it took me nearly 25 years to learn that people often lie to themselves, but anyway....
Datura, Tori Amos
I made the effort to be friendly and for a time it worked, but I think I come off as most weird and freakish when I'm really trying to be normal. And at some point I just gave it up. At the point when this girl really dressed me down I felt like I was exposed for a true fraud and I did the only thing I've ever done well. I ran and hid.
Beauty Queen/Horses, Tori Amos
A few days later Boys for Pele came out and I ran out and bought it. For the next two days the only productive thing I did was listening to it over and over again. I went to class, I think, and maybe ate, but it was all in a fog. Every note that was struck ran through me like lightening and I hardly dared to breath. When "Blood Roses" came up it was like...I don't know, like Tori was petting my hair and whispering, it's okey, you gotta let it bleed at first, that'll help clean it out. Yeah, it'll hurt, that's how you know it matters.
I think I laughed at "Father Lucifer" but when "Professional Widow" started up I curled up into a ball and really let loose. Every time Tori pounded on the harpsichord (if you've never heard this song, you need to just so you know what thrash harpsichord sounds like) another wave crashed over me until the song wound itself up at it's fevered pitch. I don't think I heard "Mr Zebra" the first time through because I was still crying very hard. But I started to come back and heard such beauty in "Marianne." She was immediately my favorite artist, ever.
Lust, Tori Amos
Northern Lad, Tori Amos
Past the Mission, Tori Amos
That summer Tori went on tour and I ran out to get tickets and went with a friend from high school. The magic that comes when at a Tori show is indescribable. The power that this tiny woman holds nothing short of amazing, her attitudes and flare breathes such life into a group of some of the most disperate people I've ever seen and I remember we all moved as one when she walked onstage and cheered and cried when she left. You really could hear a pin drop. Or maybe a trashcan lid. When she moved between the Bosie and the Harpsichord (I forget her name, shame on me) we all hushed up in a hurry. When she began you could hear a collective sucking in of air, "Five am, Friday morning, Thursday night, far from sleep...."
Blood Roses, Tori Amos
Landslide, Tori Amos
We cheered wildly when she pointed at the hill behind us (this was at the Greek theatre) and told us about living at Franklin and Gower and how Little Earthquakes was born there. Caton sat on a stool hunched over his guitar for most of the night and there was no one else to be seen.
During my sophomore year I really started to learn the power of the Internet and the myriad ways to waste time it afforded. I was introduced to IRC and quickly gravitated to #tori and stayed there. The Dent and the cyber connection to other toriphiles helped me stay in one piece even when everything else was tearing me apart. I understand why Tori considers herself "ears with feet" but I never understood why her fans had to call themselves that. *shrug*
That Christmas KROQ put together a Christmas show as they usually do and for some reason, possibly just a quirk, the first night was entirely chick singers, chick bands, or bands fronted by chicks. So Tori was that night. God, she just brought down the house. She only got to do five songs but she attacked the piano like it had to be conquered and while the audience had been pretty wild they went absolutely fucking nuts for her. I listened (and taped it) via the radio and was on #tori at the same time. It was very nearly a religious experience, utterly alone in my space and yet sharing the same moving experience with hundreds if not thousands of people.
In January I found out the night she got married through the Net. Much later when she announced she was releasing another album and was going to tour she had interviews all over the place. That's when I found out about her miscarriages - the last one being about a week after the KROQ show.
When From the Choirgirl Hotel (my junior year) came out I went up to Tower on Sunset with Jester and the Icecream Assassin at midnight to pick up our copies. That was a bit of an adventure as we got pulled over by a cop who suspected us of drug use.
Little Earthquakes, Tori Amos
All the Girls Hate Her, Tori Amos
I'm a fan not a fanatic. I figured that out when From the Choirgirl Hotel came out and Kevin and Bean did a breakfast in the parking lot of the Palace, accross the street from the Capitol Records building. I showed up at five am and reserved a spot nearish to the stage and hunkered down. There were already folks there who had started arriving the night before. When the sun rose they started putting away their sleeping blankets. In one corner, at the requisite time a chorus went up, "6.58, are you sure where my spark is?"
I didn't have any intricate paintings or poems or anything to offer Tori. I had never had any desire to do so, and here I was surrounded by people who had designed albums around magazine clippings of Ms Amos. I felt sheepish until she started singing and laughing and talking and then it felt like a private audiences, like I was lifted on a tidal wave and near orgasm the entire time. She's about five feet of sheer power and all I have to do is stand by to get swept away.
Cornflake Girl, Tori Amos
They started the show sometime after seven, but didn't bring anyone onstage until about eight. The crowd move and cheered and hollered like a thing alive. I've never known so many people move in one direction with one mind and so sure of itself. The DJs couldn't help but comment on how crazy we went and were stunned when they saw a guy crying. Tori, of course, was prepared and ready to rock. What a foul mouth the girl has when she hasn't quite figured out what to say yet. MMhhhh she's so rad *gushes*
She's Your Cocaine, Tori Amos
Lovesong, Tori Amos
Candle in the Wind, Tori Amos
Jackie's Strength, Tori Amos
I met my first (and only) girlfriend on #tori. We didn't exactly hit it off at first and we were friends for a while, but since she lived in San Jose she decided during the Spring Break of our junior to come visit. Of course by this time we had way more than bonded over Tori and were waiting with bated breath for the club dates to be announced. Well close quarters got the best of us and we hooked up. }:> The relationship certainly had it's moments unfortunately they were frequently separated by several weeks of being 400 miles apart. Not a horribly long distance but at this point both of us had part time jobs, school and could only borrow a car from our parents. So it was far enough. My mom's phone bill ended up topping three hundred in one month because of it.
In the end she was revealed as herself, and I was the fool who believed she'd be other than what she was. But you know, Tori had a song for every second. And I don't regret it. At least now that it doesn't completely hurt anymore....
By the time the full FtCgH tour was doing larger shows I had assembled the Lollipop Gestapo. We were a motely bunch, short-lived, and I don't think we were ever in the same building at the same time (maybe) but that thought that we might hang out and trade stories and bootlegs thrilled me to no end. Bells & Footfalls was a woman who I always respected, she knew my mind better than I did and always knew what to say or do to get over any of life's irritations. The Icecream Assassin and Faith, of course, were musts. And Sugar, who I could never quite hook up with outside of Boy's parties, though not for lack of trying. Oh and Marienne.
Blue Skies, Tori Amos
Wrapped Around Your Finger, Tori Amos
Because I wanted this to work I went out on a free day which happened to coincide with the day the tickets were to go on sale and drove up alone to the Greek. I was there at ten, though the onsale was at three. They hadn't mentioned wristbands so I was hoping for the best. I was about fourth in line. By one there maybe thirty people in line and those of us at the front were working hard to hide grins. Then the guy with the yellow bag came out and told us to get in a straight line, that they would start handing out wristbands soon. Dammit! We were pretty ticked at this point but resigned. Due to the number I drew I really didn't have a hope of getting tickets. Guesstimating, the show would have sold out a good dozen people ahead of me. So I wondered to the front of the line feeling miserable. I must have looked as bad as I felt because a boy about ten people in signaled to me and offered to take my cash and get extra tickets. To stay within the ticket maxes he could only get eight (eight is a max??) tickets, which meant he could only get me three. I glanced at the line, shrugged, gave him the money and wished him well.
Spark, Tori Amos
Hey Jupiter, Tori Amos
When things started I stood to the side of the line and watched the boy make his way up and proffer his money. He came back with a small smile and gave me the tickets. He warned me that they weren't that great, but they were all that was left. Three people later and they were sold out. I was feeling vaguely forlorn with only three not-so-great tickets so I hung around the box office weighing my chances if another show would come on sale. The guys inside had had no idea, or at least that's what they were supposed to tell me so I waited around with a few other hopefuls. I thought about Tori the crazy stunts she'd supposedly pulled while in LA. I knew she loved her fans if they were honest and took an unforgiving approach to the posers and the seat warmers that were there to fullfill obligations to her label. I decided I'd wait because if there was another show then the chances would be good at getting great seats. Unfortunately the cost would be that I could only get two tickets but that'd be enough. A chance at good tickets to a show where Tori could be there for the fans and not industry people was not to be missed.
Baker, Baker, Tori Amos
Just as I was about to give up the guys in the box office started calling to us stragglers and we ran to the windows. Just like that I breathlessly ordered the two best tickets they could get me. I remember the guy actually asked me if the front row was okey!!!!!! I about fainted but passed him the money first. I drove home grinning like and idiot.
Blood Roses, Tori Amos
Over the summer before the show Northern Lad and I broke up. I found a lot of Tori's covers and listened to them obsessively. They were mostly tape collections from friends on the Net and were often copies of copies. The Net talks about "Under the Cover" but I've never actually found any studio production of hers by that name. So I halfway doubt it's existence
Raining Blood, Tori Amos
During my senior year depression crept up again. I had to commute through most of it from Fullerton to USC, which wasn't kind to my car or my stress levels. I sort of rediscovered LE because all the other albums were on CD, but LE was on tape so I could listen to it in the car. Driving through LA at all hours, with Tori singing along about all the different girls that hang out somewhere deep inside helped keep me sane and probably kept me from killing a lot of people.
I went to the Choirgirl show very early but not early enough to get a spot on the front of the signing crowd. She only came out for about fifeteen minutes and they restricted us to just a tiny section of the fence. Only people in the front could shake her hand or hug her. But I did what I could and managed to pass up my copy of Death: The Time of Your Life which she wrote the intro for. She signed it. }:>
Riot Proof, Tori Amos
Not the Red Baron, Tori Amos
The other ticket had been intended for Northern Lad but since that didn't work out (in the spirit of good faith I did try offering it to her but she said she already had tickets) I offered it to Bells and Footfalls who accepted. Sometimes I describe listening to Tori live like holding onto a live wire and whirling on the edge of a razor-sharp orgasm fighting to keep from going over. This show is (was?) the reason why. When the curtain came up the crowd lurched to it's feet as the boys were already playing some pensive and yet energetic intro. Only the piano was empty and I bit my lip and held my breath.
When she came onstage it was like watching a huge wave crest over me and when she through herself at her Bosie it was like the wave crashing on me and then hauling me up to the sun. I was in tears immediately and gave a strangeled cry as she began the main theme of "Precious Things." The whole show was about containing the pleasure. I learned the definition of Delirium first-hand, and when she took her first bows my knees nearly gave out as I stood to walk to the stage. She came over and grasped our hands and looked me in the eye as I screamed my thank you's to her. I stayed standing for all of her encores.
I'm Not in Love, Tori Amos
The year after that was a tough one. There's a lot of it that forced me to grow up (or grow some more, don't think I'm really all grown up, but that catapulted me over a lot of ground) and she kept me company whenever I lost my way.
Way Down, Tori Amos
In the Springtime of his Voodoo, Tori Amos
I was working at Tower in Brea (just for the summer I told myself, then I'd move back to LA) when I spied cover of Billboard with her picture on it and talking about a new album and future tour. I was entranced and ate it all up. I was a little miffed that KROQ was slow on the draw, but no matter, at Tower I could usually pull enough strings to listen to her for at least an hour. Especially when the album came out. To Venus and Back isn't one of my favorite albums but it is up there just in terms of adventurous sounds, and the live stuff always fills me with such great memories.
Putting the Damage On, Tori Amos
Then I heard she was doing another tour, this time co-headlining with Alanis Morrisette. I had no clue why this was, and I still don't but I made up my mind to go. This time it was down at Irvine Meadows and the seats were probably further away than is even possible for the Greek, ah well. I went with Icecream Assassin and Rabbit (who was there for Alanis but promised to be polite during Tori). I think I danced through the entire thing and it was done far too early. I guess because of time constraints she had to keep everything moving and didn't get to tell any stories. But she was still very awesome. And I think I convinced everyone around me that I was a nutcase. I was pleasantly surprised by Alanis and I think I would have liked her stuff earlier on if KROQ weren't staffed by morons and if American media weren't always in a hurry gobble up every new thing rather than savoring it.
Suede, Tori Amos
But anyway living in Los Angeles I was even more depressed than before. There were a couple of points where I almost didn't make it. At the worst parts even music couldn't reach me, it was like a storm on top of the sea when I was hiding out several feet underwater. It took a lot of work to climb out of it and when summer rolled around I felt like I had rediscovered the good parts of life. I was doing normal people things, even though I was living with my parents again and commuting all over creation, working at the will of the Man in whatever temp job I could get. It might have been crushing if it weren't better than lying on the bathroom wondering if I could pull together the strength to climb in the tub, turn on the water, take the razors and do what I knew would come naturally.
Liquid Diamonds, Tori Amos
When I started working full time I had given up on KROQ figuring their female musical percentage was about 7% whereas the amount of music they played per day where there was chick somewhere in the band was about 2% and it had been months since I had heard them play a Tori song. NPR news was more interesting and the homegrown shows were intriuging (if more mellow than my tastes tend to run). With my own computer the first thing I started working on was putting music on Real Jukebox. Guess who went on first? };>
When Strange Little Girls came out it was without a lot of fanfare and as far as I can tell KROQ didn't even register it. (Though a couple of nights before her shows she did visit on Loveline, I didn't get to hear much of it, which is a shame. I love hearing her on that show if only because of what a good foil she is to Adam.)
She's Your Cocaine, Tori Amos
Concertina, Tori Amos
I bought a pair of tickets through TicketMaster's pre-sale. (Really, I wonder how much it cost them to buy the entire Supreme Court. Not a Monopoly? Not unjustly gouging the public?!? How's that again??) They were for pretty high up in the Mezzanine at the Wiltern. I ended up taking Molasses, because it made sense at the time but I realized that that was kind of a mistake at the show. He's not not fan exactly...but he doesn't have quite the let-loose fanaticism that I'm used to in Toriphiles and he viewed the entire thing as an experiment of sorts. He said he had enjoyed some of her music and I don't doubt it but I think next time I'll ask someone who has a lot of fervor first. I enjoyed the concert quite a bit, but a combination of being far away, having it just be the girl and her piano, and being surrounded who weren't as exciteble as I've seen and well... I dunno. It was quieter and slower than I've seen in a long time and I kind of ended up feeling a little disappointed.
Father Lucifer, Tori Amos
Josephine, Tori Amos
Little Amsterdam, Tori Amos
*blushes* It's embarassing to say, I guess. A lot of fierce Toriphiles really love the ballad-y stuff, the B-sides, the quieter stuff. I think it's pretty but the raw power of "Professional Widow" and the enduring sexiness of "Cruel" and the jazzed up "Waitress" is what I really live for. So the show was on the prettier side but it was still touching and when she reminded us that "what had happened to Matthew happened in this country" with the song "Merman" I started to catch on and sat back wiped a couple of tears and listened to her tell us what a tragedy is like. (This was last October. On September the 15th KCRW aired an interview on Ground Zero - now New Ground - with Tori that had been recorded on September the 8th. She talked about "Raining Blood" and how it gave her the image of a great vagina opening over the skies of Afghanistan and reminding every single member of the Taliban of where they came from. This seriously grossed out Molasses. That's my Tori. *smiles*)
These days Tori has been keeping me company off and on. I wonder if she'd laugh if she knew that the people in her stories are people in my stories, or if she'd just be embarrassed for me. Either way her sounds, songs, stories, quips and licks have descriped the world more clearly than I ever could. She doesn't always make me feel better but she always helps me to find my way again, to collect my feet, get my head on straight and helps me hunt down my heart, wherever she may be hiding.
The water has stopped surging so I imagine the storm has eased off. Small comfort as the mast was just pushed so hard it broke through the hull rather than shatter. The boat is taking on water and I still don't know where I am. I can't see my hand in front of my face and sometimes I think I'll never see again and sometimes I think I'm about to get hit in the face by a rock. I sigh and take a useless look around. Nothing comes to my rescue so I shrug. You gotta do what you gotta do. I push myself over and into the water and immediately gasp at the cold of the water. I had thought I couldn't get colder and was clearly wrong. Frantically I kick off my shoes. My toes certainly don't notice. The life vest start to slide up and I start hitting the back of my head on it regulary. I pattle around holding onto what's left of the boat. It lasts just a little bit longer as I kick in the direction that I hope will lead to the mouth of the cave. But it doesn't last very long and soon it becomes too much work to move when most of it is under water. My foot hits something and find my back is bouncing off a wall. I am relieved and breathe a prayer of thanks to anything that will listen. The wall is covered in slick, ice cold moss but I push myself on. You gotta do what you gotta do.
Precious Things
Tori Amos
So I ran faster
but it caught me here
Yes my loyalties turned
like my ankle
in the seventh grade
Running after Billy
Running after the rain
These precious things
Let them bleed, let them wash away
These precious things
Let them break their hold over me
He said you're really an ugly girl
but I like the way you play
and I died
but I thanked him
Can you believe that, sick!
Holding on to his picture
Dressing up every day
I wanna smash the faces
of those beautiful boys
those Christian boys
So you can make me cum
That doesn't make you Jesus
These precious things
Let them bleed, let them wash away
These precious things
Let them break their hold over me
I remember
Yes in my peach party dress
No one dared, no one cared to tell me
where the pretty girls are
Those demigods
with their nine inch nails and
little fascist panties tucked inside
the heart of every nice grrl
These precious things
Let them bleed, let them wash away
These precious things
Let them break, let them wash away
These precious things
Let them bleed now, let them wash away
These precious things
Let them break their hold on me
Precious
Precious
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