Listening: The Fragile, Nine Inch Nails

ok today I've had enough of my vacillation. I have next to no money and pretty much everything that was in my savings is going to Uncle Sam, I'm more than forty pounds overweight and a snail could probably outrun me, I don't know what I want from gaming any more and I don't know what I want to put onstage and all of this is making me stall out....

Starting today I'm going to do everything I can to form plans and then follow through. It's been too easy to sit back and let necessity dictate what I should do next.

Maybe it's just the enorphins talking but I feel great at actually having gone and and spent my lunch in the exercise room burning calories rather than consuming them at one of the expensive eateries on Colorado. It totally feels great and I want to see if I can actually do enough to affect my body (you know, besides wear it out and injure parts of it).

I've gotten more and more frustrated that I can't even jog any distance without a lot of labor, and I've had to shove more clothes to the back of the closet in the hopes of resurrecting them one day when I go back to their size.

I've never really followed anything like a diet/exercise plan and I kinda think the diet part is a lost cause. I'm Latin, not eating yummy food is a sin. But I'm hoping burning substantial amounts of calories everyday will make up for it.

Tonight I'm going to take another crack at finishing my taxes. This will be the first year I actually have to pay anything, and it looks like it'll be a *lot.* (for me, anyway) But at least after that, no matter how poor that means I'll be, I can pick everything up, organize it and get on with things. The piles of bills in the "deal with later" stack has gotten out of control.

Maybe it's cause spring is in the air. Last night I headed down to my place and hung out for a couple of hours cleaning and putting things away and rediscovered how cute my apartment is when it isn't crowded by clothes and books strewn everywhere. Later on Space Dog came over and he confirmed my suspicions. I still have to decorate and I need another bookcase, but for right now it's verging on tidy (except for the desk that has a lot of random papers hanging out on it until I dig up my accordian file, gosh I hope I still have that thing). And this is despite the fact that my lazy side wanted to take a walk to McDonald's for some coffee and smoke a cigarette on the way back and then hang out on the bed reading Gloom Cookie. I'm proud of myself. }:>

The kitchen is also a mess but a) I hardly ever go in there and b) it's mostly large cardboard boxes that I keep forgetting to take to my parent's when I go to visit.

Wish I had some cash to get a little more clothes - pants of some kind, a blouse or two and a few unmentionables. As it stands I need to do my laundry again. And it's not like there is much clothes in the basket....

But I really do need some money. Eventhough I'll finally be able to budget, the amount that will be making up my budget has me *very* nervous. Starting to make plans for summer and it's looking to be tight even if I don't pay myself back yet. *sighs* I need to stop drawing off of my savings. Hopefully, if I'm good, my savings will only take the hit from taxes (and what a big hit that'll be) and then I won't touch it again except to put lots of money in it. *sigh* It figures that right when I'm wanting more dough the company stops needing folks doing overtime.

But I want to go to Iowa in June, DC in July, mount a play and go see Tool when they come 'round again. Not too ambitious is it? *bites lip*

Oh and also there are lots of birthday's coming up starting with my mom's this month. A lot of people have standard rules of not spending more than say $20 for gifts unless the person is *really* close. I'm not that good at that because I never feel like I give enough until my gift "package" takes at least two arms to hold. It's a bad habit I picked up only heaven-knows-where. And it tends to leave me stranded when I'm trying to shop for someone while on a budget. Plus, my mom's tastes tend to run expensive.

I really need to take the time to ponder the differences betwee hobby, fancy and life goals. Then I need to make a plan for them too. I was trying to stick to dedicating at least twenty minutes everyday to gaming and another twenty to persuing theatrical interests (writing/reading/surfing the Web). But I've had a hard time sticking to that. Ah well, need to know where I'm going before I can get there.

thought he had it all before they called his bluff
found out that his skin just wasn't thick enough
wanted to go back to how it was before
thought he lost everything, then he lost a whole lot more
I'm Looking Forward to Joining You, Finally
Nine Inch Nails